Sitting in Darkness

Today is Christmas Eve. But I am not sure that I am "feeling it." Instead I feel blue, uncertain, a little sadness. I know Christmas is on the doorstep, but I don't yet feel the joy.

There is a prayer in the first chapter of Luke that opens with the following line:

"Blessed be the Lord God of Israel,
for he has looked favourably on his people and redeemed them." (Luke 1:68)

It is a prayer of joy and hope that celebrates the impending arrival of Jesus. It is a prayer that looks forward to salvation and the forgiveness of sins. It is a prayer that underscores the reason for our joy at Christmas.

The prayer closes with the following promise:

"By the tender mercy of our God,
the dawn from on high will break upon us,
to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death,
to guide our feet into the way of peace." (Luke 1:78-79)


While the prayer brings the promise of light and salvation, I cannot help but be struck by the description of those to whom the promise is being delivered: those who sit in darkness and the shadow of death.

Can there be any better words to describe the state of the addict?

Sitting in darkness and the shadow of death. Yes, I think that is where I am today. My heart is sad and incomplete. It wonders why it is more pre-occupied with the preparation for Christmas than with the promise of joy that Christmas is to deliver. My heart feels in a shadow.

But there, too, is where the hope lies. For the shadow points to the light. Knowing sadness, knowing fear, knowing darkness - these all imply the joy, imply the hope, imply the light that is coming with the new dawn of the birth of the Christ child.

Today my heart is sad. But that is ok - I am walking in shadows. And behind the shadows there is the light. God is coming. Peace is near!!!

Listen to the Angels!

If they told you he was a poor boy
... would you come?
If they told you he was a poor boy
... would you come?
If they looked you in the eye
... and said, "Do not fear
... he is the one"
And they told you he was a poor boy
... would you come?

OH ... LISTEN TO THE ANGELS!

If they told you she wasn't married
... would you come?
If they told you she wasn't married
... would you come?
If they said this teenaged mother
... would be the chosen one
And they told you she wasn't married
... would you come?

OH ... LISTEN TO THE ANGELS!

---Neal Hagberg/Neal & Leandra, "Listen to the Angels" (1999)

Stumbling Along

Good morning, Brothers:

I am checking in to acknowledge that I am struggling and I need help to get out of these straits.

Last week I acted out at the office on Thursday and Friday. I had a good day at home on Saturday, but then acted out yesterday. I fully expect that I will act out again today unless drastic measures are taken.

So I am once again calling on the phone brigade. I will try to call each of you at least once today and do so again tomorrow. I also pledge to answer my phone if one of you calls me (I ignored at least two calls last week).

This is a stressful time for many of us - let's do what we can to share one another's burdens.

Phone Brigade Defeats Suds

I have been blessed with a mostly good week. I have really taken to heart the idea of avoiding "SUDs" - seemingly unimportant decisions. Like the decision to get out my laptop at home and check e-mail when no one else is home. Or the decision to follow a link from the Sports Illustrated website to view swimsuit pictures. I tend to rationalize these choices as small ones - seemingly unimportant decisions - SUDs.

I am trying to be more vigilant in treating every decision as an important decision. Every choice - no matter how small - is a potential opportunity to choose for or against Christ and for or against sobriety. Every choice matters. When I recognize this truth, it makes it easier to make the right choices.

I am grateful for this powerful insight.

I am also grateful for you - the phone brigade. You have all helped me to be more accountable this week. Yesterday I was on the precipice of yielding to the SUDs when I got a phone call at 4:00 (thank you, Rod). I was at the weakest point of my day and rationalizing about just looking at one or two sites when my phone rang. That phone call got me through the end of my work day.

Thanks, Phone Brigade!!

Phil Monroe's "Cycle of Addiction"

THE CYCLE OF ADDICTION
(by Phil Monroe)




Often the cycle starts with certain triggers, external or internal circumstances that remind us of the allure of the pornography. These can come in the form of thoughts, experiences, feelings, situations, etc.

This leads to tempting thoughts in our own minds. We begin to ponder the idea of going back to the pornography.

This leads to “SUDS”: Seemingly Unimportant Decisions, the little decisions we make that get us closer to the object of our addiction. For instance: “I’m just going to check my email, nothing more.” “I’ll just get online, there’s no harm in that.” “I’ll only look for a little bit, but then I’ll stop.”

Finally, there’s an indulgence. Many times this indulgence is justified by a false sense of control: “I can handle this.”

You may also notice that there is a direct line from the triggers to indulgence. This is because many of us have been in this cycle of addiction for so long that we can’t even recognize when the tempting thoughts or the SUDS appear. We mindlessly move quickly from the triggers to indulgence.

After a time of indulgence we have these defeated interpretations of our sin. We have broken the promises we made to ourselves. We think we might as well just continue sinning because we have already indulged. This often leads to continued indulgence.

Eventually we get tired of that cycle of indulgence and defeated thoughts, so we move to the next stage of guilt, which really just prolongs the same defeated thoughts.

To assuage our guilt, we move into a time of penance: we try to get ourselves “clean” by doing something good.

This leads to a time of abstinence.



To learn more about how to break this cycle, go to Breaking the Cycle of Addiction.

Spatial Disorientation

As an addict I am constantly being reminded to trust and use the tools of recovery:

"Work the steps"

"Make calls"

"Attend meetings regularly"

"Third-Step Prayer"

"Daily inventory"


Sometimes these reminders are frustrating. Why do I have to keep working the steps? Why should I make phone calls when everything is ok? Why does my life have to be reduced to a set of practices that constantly reminds me of what I am trying to escape from?

Why?

Two words: SPATIAL DISORIENTATION.

"Spatial disorientation" is what an aircraft pilot experiences when he flies into weather conditions that prevent him from being able see the horizon or the ground. Points of reference that guide his senses disappear. His perceptions become unreliable. He no longer is sure which way is up or down. It can be deadly.

The only way a pilot can overcome spatial disorientation is to be trained to read and trust his cockpit instruments to tell him what is real. That's why flight instructors force student pilots to learn to fly planes by the instruments alone.

As an addict I have to recognize that my spirit suffers from spatial disorientation. My twisted perceptions keep me from recognizing what is really happening in my world. I do not know where the horizon lies and cannot recognize temptation when it crosses my field of vision.

As an addict, I have spent a life of trusting only myself to navigate life's hazards. I have trusted myself and I have failed miserably.

To attain freedom, I must learn to trust in Christ. But I am stubborn. I am resistant to turn to anyone but myself. I may agree with Christ, but only after I have relied on my own thining to reach that agreement. If this keeps up, I will never escape spatial disorientation.

So recovery brings a new set of tools: the 12 steps, meetings, sponsors, accountability partners, phone calls, daily prayer. If I cannot immediately learn to trust Christ, then I must learn to at least turn my trust to something other than myself. The tools of recovery are my flight instruments. I must learn to trust them even when I cannot see the horizon or the world around me. And to learn to trust them, I must practice using them every day - both good days and bad days.

So, yes, in some ways my life has been reduced to daily application of a set of spiritual tools. And, yes, this can be frustrating. But as an addict, I must remember that I am subject to spatial disorientation. I need to use and trust these tools or I will crash and burn!

The Answer!

"All right," said the computer, and settled into silence again. The two men fidgeted. The tension was unbearable.

"You're really not going to like it," observed Deep Thought.

"Tell us!"

"All right," said Deep Thought. "The Answer to the Great Question ..."

"Yes ...!"

"To Life, the Universe, and Everything ..."

"Yes ...!"

"Is ..." said Deep Thought, and paused.

"Yes ...!"

"Is ..."

"Yes...!!!...?"

"Forty-two," said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm.


- Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Stumbled

I stumbled again yesterday.

Once again I made it until about 4:00 in the afternoon. Then I started to get that sense that I needed something. I wanted that buzz that comes from searching the internet for new porn.

I started by looking at some pictures of celebrities and again moved to bikinis and some nudity. Then I "did the math" before catching the bus to go home.

Another day ... another slip.

+

Man in the Mirror - Reflections on the Rat Race

I am now reading Patrick Morley's book The Man in the Mirror. This is a study for Christian men designed to help us examine whether we are living according to our true priorities. Each chapter has questions for reflection and I will try to journal my responses here.


CHAPTER ONE - THE RAT RACE

1. "Most men are caught up in the rat race." Agree or Disagree? Why?

I definitely agree that most men are caught up in the rat race. We are constantly trying to prove our worth in the world and we are using the world's standards as our measure. We chase better jobs, bigger houses, faster cars. We do it even while proclaiming to be Christians. We try to justify our importance to others through our successes rather than through our faith and kindness.


2. If the rat race is an unwinnable race, why do you think so many men run it? What are they trying to accomplish?

I think that we are yearning for a sense of affirmation and purpose. Though we believe in our minds that Jesus is our Lord and Savior, we still want some proof that we are good and that others accept us. So we turn to the things that the world tells us over and over that we need in order to be accepted by others: good jobs, lots of material wealth, perfect bodies, etc.


3. In what ways has your material standard of living gone up since you were a child? In what ways do you think your moral/spiritual/relational standard of living has been affected?

From a purely material standpoint, I have a better standard of living than my parents did at my age. I live in a large four-bedroom house. We have two cars, central airconditioning, three televisions (all color), and cable tv. We have computers and internet. We have a microwave oven, a dishwasher, and upgraded appliances.

But I know that this material wealth has wounded me spiritually. For most of my life I have relied on credit to buy things. I have bought into the lie that everyone has these things, that I am entitled to these things, and that I'll have plenty of money later to pay them off. All of these things in my life have weighed my spirit down. I experience stress and jealousy due to my investment in things. They haven't made me happier - they have let me down.


4. It appears that many men have been lulled into mental and spiritual complacency. How has consumerism impacted your own values and the way you spend money?

I think that consumerism has helped to make me prideful and selfish. It has also weakened my faith.

I am prideful because I look at what I have purchased and believe that shows that I must be successful. I am selfish because I constantly think about the next thing that I want. I think my faith is weakened because I place my trust for safety in my things rather than in God. I feel independent and self-sufiicient.

++

Note to Blueshirts - Mini First Step

Hello, Brothers:

It is time for me to check-in about this week and then do a little First Step reflection.


This week has been very disappointing for me. I came out of our meeting with renewed energy and a sense that I could get back on the right path for recovery. I started Monday with quiet time, prayer, phone calls, and a post in this blog. All steps to move forward and walk the road of progress.

But then came Tuesday afternoon ... late afternoon. I got towards the end of the day - 4:00 or so - and my mind began to drift. The buzz started to rise up in my body and the desire to find that place of sensation took over. I began by looking on the internet for images of celebrities, followed by looking for nude women, and soon found myself acting out.

I went home and just wondered what was going on. I blamed all of you!! I only tell you this so that I can be honest, not because I truly believe that any of you was the least bit at fault. But it was a lot easier to accept my actions by pointing the finger away from me.

[sigh]

I came to the office Wednesday morning feeling a complete failure. I left a message for Rod and made sure to take some time at the office for quiet and prayer. I started to have another good day and began to shrug off what had happened the day before. But the same pattern set in. I got to the late afternoon and found myself wanting to get into that buzz of just looking. I felt like I needed a "hit." I had spent part of the morning talking to Jesus about my belief that his grace was enough for these times and that looking back I could see that there was a time each day when I still had the strength to say no to what was coming. But I found myself in the afternoon saying screw it! There's no consequences ... I'm not hurting anyone ... it helps me keep focused during the day and get my work done and now I deserve a reward!

Lies, lies, lies.

But I believed each one.

I had a clean day yesterday, but that is simply a testament to the fact that I was in meetings all day until I went home.


Now let's look at the First Step:

1. We admitted we were powerless over addictive sexual behavior—that our lives had become unmanageable.

My life this week is a testimony to the first step. It is telling me that I need to take this first step once again. I say that because the lie that has really taken hold of me this week is that I can control this behavior (at least to the extent of keeping it in check or keeping it at "normal" levels) and that I can manage my life.

My addict has gone along kicking and screaming to claim that I can control this and everything else in my life. I am in control. I am strong. I'm independent. I don't need help. Iam a man.

The lie continues: I will overcome this problem when I take the right steps and when I do the right things. I ... I ... I. I have the power - it's up to me.

NOT!!!


I am powerless over my addiction. The sooner I get this truth all the way through my head the sooner I will be able to truly surrender to Christ and the process of healing.

Four plus years of recovery and I still haven't fully come to grips with the very first step.


My original first step story?

I first encountered Playboy when I was around twelve or thirteen. I had the same experience with it as most boys. No true addictive behavior when I was young.

The addictive behavior set in when I was in law school. I began to buy magazines (soft core - Playboy & Hustler). I was embarrassed every time I made a purchase. Then we got internet in our house for the first time. Anonymous. Totally anonymous. No shame.

Soon I was spending hours at night surfing the net looking for free, anonymous pornography. I would be up until 3 or 4 in the morning.

Then I started working and things got better for a while. I had pledged that no matter what, I would never view porn at work. But then I did once.

I remember swearing to myself in the car on the way home that night and I remember the fear of driving in the next morning. I was sure that the IT department would have monitored it and that I would be met by someone that morning. I was hoping I wouldn't lose my job.

But nothing happened. Whew. Never again.

But it did happen again. And the same remorse and fear followed.

Eventually it started to become a regular afternoon habit. Then when it got to the point where I had acted out every day for a week, I realized I had a problem. I told my wife and started looking for help. Eventually we found Mark Laaser's group.

And here I am.

Am I getting anywhere yet?

Lord Jesus, please have mercy on me!

+

Modern Tower of Babel

We have reconstructed the Tower of babel and it is a television antenna, a thousand voices producing a daily parody of democracy in which everyone's opinion is afforded equal weight regardless of substance or merit. Indeed, it can even be argued that opinions of real weight tend to sink with barely a trace in television's ocean of banalities.

- Ted Koppel, commencement address at Duke University, 1987

Cost of the Rat Race

The double whammy of media-generated standard-of-living anxiety and debt pressure is enormously depressing. Not only do we have the tension of not reaching the lifestyle we set as our goal, we have the pressure of the debt we accumulated trying to get there. The debt makes us bitter and angry because we realize we played the part of a fool and deceived ourselves. Not only that, our relationships end up fractured.

- Patrick Morley, The Man in the Mirror, 33-34 (1997)

Note to Blueshirts (11/13)

I have been struggling lately, particularly in the late afternoons. Last week I struggled on-and-off every day at the office. Yesterday I set a plan which included an afternoon phone call from Rod. The plan worked until 5:30. Then I was at the end of my day, tired, and not sure what to do. I made the wrong choice and spent some time surfing the internet.

These struggles are very frustrating, especially given the success of my recent time apart from Beth including the business trip to Orlando.

I have reflected on this as I pray the serenity prayer - Give me the courage to change the things I can. I think that God's grace to me during my Orlando trip shows me that I do have the power to make certain changes to my behavior. I do have the power to say no to the internet - if I have prayed about it, made a plan, and maintained contact with my accountability partners.

Now that God has gifted me with some measure of success on the road, it is up to me to respond to His call to strive for sobriety at work. I need to approach each work day with the same level of caution and reliance on God as I did while traveling. And for that I need help from all of you:

+ please pray for me that I may find the grace to maintain sobriety until our next meeting.

+ I am committed to calling each of you once a day; please hold me accountable.

+ let me hear from you as well - "it is not good for man to be alone."

The Unwinnable Race

Their own private life gets to be like a rat race.

- Christopher Morley, Kitty Foyle (1939)


Like a rat in a maze,
the path before me lies.
And the pattern never alters,
until the rat dies.

- Simon & Garfunkel


Do you know anyone who has ever won the rat race? This question deserves more than a chuckle, because, upon reflection, most of us will have to acknowledge we really don't know anyone who has.

If that's the case, then why do we compete in an unwinnable race?

- Patrick Morley, The Man in the Mirror, 22 (1997)

Turtle Pulse Check (11/10)

It has - once again - been a while since I have blogged. Sometimes this is because I am busy. Sometimes this is because things are going smoothly and I don't have much to reflect on. But sometimes this is because things are confusing and I'm struggling and I just don't want to deal with it all. Now is one of those times.

I had a lot of stress leading into a business trip at the end of October. I was going to be on the road for four days and my wife was going to be out of town for two days prior to that. This meant I was going to be facing a very very large block of time during which I had no real accountability. And that scared me.

I had fears of binging and bottoming out through unrestricted access to internet porn. So I reached out to the Blueshirts for some help. I made a plan. And I even shared my fears with my wife. I pledged to stay sober during this time period. And I did!

I came home from my business trip with a great sense of accomplishment and lots of excitement! I did it! I went away and stayed sober!

But then I was home and the adrenaline of the white-knuckling pledge faded away. And soon I found myself acting out - gazing at internet porn while at my office. What a let down! What a struggle! What frustration!

I felt weak and useless. I felt a sense of worthlessness. I didn't feel like I could share this experience with my accountability partners. How would they react?

So I really isolated last week and it became a bad week.

This weekend I was able to get away with my wife. We traveled to Lake Superior's North Shore. Away from the office, away from cell phones, and away from the internet. It was a great weekend and I now feel refreshed, connected, and energized.

So today I start again on this off-again/on-again road to recovery. Today it is on-again. Today I made phone calls, took time for prayer, and journaled here at my blog.

And now I am leaving the office and heading home ... sober.

+

We Are Stewards - Life Is Only Entrusted to Us

Everything belongs to God and we are the stewards of His possessions.

He is free to take away at any time the material riches, health, a beloved child, a good name, a friend, fame.

These things are only ENTRUSTED to us.

If they are taken away we lose nothing.

They are not ours.

This constitutes one of the joys of the Christian life.

All Christians are "have-nots" and do not desire to be "haves."

Those who have, worry about possible losses.

This is not possible for us.

Our life is one full of serenity.

---Richard Wormbrand

Note to Blueshirts - Stay Off the ASPHALT

It's been a bad week for me and I am even more worried about the week to come. I have acted out on the internet a few times this week, most recently yesterday. I am worried about the upcoming week because Beth is going to be in Chicago Saturday through Monday and I am going to be in Orlando from Monday through Thursday. So I won't see Beth for 6 days.

As I said, this week has been hard.

What's the trigger?

Is it part of that H-A-L-T acronym (Hungry Angry Lonely Tired)?

No, I don't think so. For me this week it has been stress and anxiety. Worrying about getting work done, worrying about sobriety (ironically), worrying about money. It has also been a little bit of the reward justification. As I have gotten big projects completed of "rewarded" myself at the end of the day. After all, I "deserved" it.

I think I am going to add to the H.A.L.T. acronym. I am going to add three new letters for Anxious, Stressed, and Pained.

So the new acronym is A.S.P.H.A.L.T.

A-nxious
S-tressed
P-ained
H-ungry
A-ngry
L-onely
T-ired

Fellow Blueshirts, as we walk together towards recovery, lets remember to stay on the path and to stay off the A.S.P.H.A.L.T.

+

Turtle Pulse Check (10/17)

It's been 12 days since the marathon and the post-running blues seem to be wearing off. Life is returning to normal and I am again able to focus on my family, my work, and my goals. Flux is receding and the time for connection and self-care is here.


Feelings:

Today I feel happiness, peace, anxiety, fear, and gratefulness.


Issues:

I am behind on my workload and also feel some financial stress at home.


Needs:

Today I need to take time for prayer, make phone calls, and avoid isolation.


Sobriety:

After the frenzied flux of last week, I have been blessed with a place of calm. It has been a sober week.


++

A Day with the Chatty Chatty Princess

It's a day at work with the Chatty Chatty Princess!

Today is the first day of the MEA Break for schools in our area. Neither Beth nor I foresaw the need for childcare during the break and were caught without a plan. So Emma - the Chatty Chatty Princess - came to work with me today.

We have been having a good time while I try to get work done. We brought in coloring supplies, some games, and some movies. We went to the Dairy Queen and got ice cream for lunch and then we went to Target and got her the Little Mermaid in the Beginning movie. She has watched it twice this afternoon while I have stayed bsy with work.

All-in-all, a very fun day!

Turtle Pulse Check (10/15) - Escaping Flux

It's been a long time with no check-in for this addict. So what's going on? Where has the addict been?

Flux.

Last we saw the addict he was on an emotional mountain top. Life was filled with joy and exuberance after finishing his third marathon and setting a personal best time of 4:51. Months of training had come to fruition with a successful run and a feeling of real personal accomplishment.

What the addict had not prepared for was the let down. We all know from life that mountain top experiences don't last. Sadly, life is lived out in the valley.

After the joy of victory started to subside, I found myself in a state of flux. I had lost the goal that had allowed me to be focused for the weeks leading up to the marathon. I had lost the adrenaline that comes with the training and race day experience. I had lost my bearings. I was in flux.

Sadly, I reached out to my old ways as the means to calm myself. Finding myself at home - alone - as my body recovered from the race, I went onto the internet and searched out pornography. I did not call my accountability partners or attempt to engage in an outer circle activity. I went straight to my addictive behavior - internet pornography.

I spent the next week in a flux of ups-and-downs as I continued to act out. At one point I even considered skipping my bi-weekly meeting with my accountability partners. I was sliding.

Eventually I did call one of the Blueshirts. The conversation was good and he helped me to look at what had happened and to see some of the causes. To that point I had not even thought about the loss of adrenaline and loss of goals. But in hindsight what had happened made perfect sense. I need to be better prepared for how to recover from my next mountain top experience.

This week has been good so far. I've been very busy at work and making daily phone calls. I'm living life in the valley, but hopefully I've escaped state of flux.

++

Mission Completion!

D-Monk & Mrs. D-Monk after the Marathon

Sunday marked the third time that D-Monk has run the marathon. And while the weather was a bit miserable at times, the run was great for D-Monk!

The question leading into the race was weather: Is it gonna rain and how cold will it be? I monitored three of the local news stations to get a sense of what to expect on race day. All three seemed to be in agreement that there was a chance of rain, but there was disagreement as to when. Two stations felt that the rain would hold off until noon or later (approximately 4 hours into the race). The other station thought it would rain early and then stop half way through the race.

The other question was temperature. How cold would it be at the beginning of the race and how cold at the end? And - more important - what should I wear for the race? Predicted temps looked to be mid- to upper-40s at the start with anywhere from 50 to 60 at the finish.

I decided not to worry about the rain and the night before the race I chose a long-sleeve shirt for the race. On race morning it seemed warmer so I switched to a short-sleeve shirt. But by the time I arrived in Minneapolis, it seemed colder again, so I went with a short-sleeve shirt and a throw-away long-sleeve shirt to wear over it.

Neither of my first two marathons gave me any chance to see what I was capable of in such a long run. With the first marathon I just wanted to finish. I didn't know what I could do or what it would be like, so I took it easy the whole way. My time was 5:26. The day I ran my second marathon was so hot that it immediately became all about survival. People were dropping like flies and so again I decided not to push myself. I finished at 5:15. This year I wanted to see what would happen if I pushed and decided to try to set an 11-minute a mile pace for the first six miles and see what happened.

Well ... nothing went as expected. I changed my mind several times on how to dress for the race. I lost the electronic chip that was supposed to track my time. The hip-pack I was wearing didn't fit correctly and I tossed it away after Mile 3 (and moved my running gels to my pockets). And then the rain started coming down at Mile 2. It rained and rained hard for the first 1/3 of the race. I was soaked!

But despite the rain, I was running well. My first three miles were all 10-minute miles! I was able to stay at 11-minutes per mile or less for the first 12 miles of the race! I was feeling great and realized I was going to set a personal best! So I pushed hard the whole race and finished 25 minutes faster than my previous best at 4:51.

W O W ! ! !

So despite the rain, despite the bad hip-pack, despite the cold start, and despite the lost chip, I had a great race on Sunday and really felt proud of what I had accomplished. I am grateful for the marathon and all of those who supported me - both on race day and during the training. I could never have done this alone!!



D-Monk, D-Monk's son, and D-Monk's dad.

A Turtle's Day: Week-Long Thrill Ride

This past week has been a thrill ride of ups-and-downs.

Last Thursday I attended the Twins-White Sox game with my Dad. The teams were finishing a three game series that the Twins needed to sweep if they to have any real chance at going to the play-offs. They had thumped the White Sox in the first game and then survived a 3-2 nail-biter in the second game.

The Metrodome was already boasting a play-off atmosphere when we arrived at the game. I have never seen so many fans wearing Twins apparel at a game before. I have to confess that I actually stopped at Target to buy a Twins jersey prior to the game. While the Metrodome may not be a great baseball park during the regular season, it is an awesome place for playoff baseball - that place rocks with crowd noise!!

Needless to say, my Dad and I were quite excited to be at the game. There were butterflies with every pitch as we hoped for a Twins win. The Twins got on the board first, but then had a disastrous 4th inning where they gave up six runs. Facing a 6-1 deficit, the crowd got nervous.

But those Twins chipped away. They scored two runs in the bottom of the 4th inning which was highlighted by a Carlos Gomez triple. The score was 6-3. Then in the 6th inning, Carlos Gomez tripled again and scored on a sacrifice by Denard Span. 6-4. Then in the bottom of the 8th, with a runner on third and one out, Chicago brought in their closer, Bobby Jenks. Up to the plate steps Carlos Gomez. He singles and the score is 6-5. The crowd is getting excited now! Next is Denard Span. He hits a TRIPLE and the game is tied!!!

P A N D E M O N I U M ! ! !

The Twins bring in Joe Nathan in the 9th inning and he retires the White Sox in order. The game goes to extra innings where the Twins win on a bloop single by Alexi Casilla. AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!!!!!

So I wore my new Twins jersey to the office on Friday and enjoyed the after-glow of an incredible night of baseball. The Twins went on to lose on Friday and Saturday before beating the Royals on Sunday to force some extra games. Chicago beat Detroit in a make-up game and then the Twins lost to the White Sox in a one game tie-breaker to see who would go to the playoffs. Every thrilling up must have its corresponding down. Sadness for Twins fans.

Monday brought a meeting of the Blueshirts - D-Monk's accountability group. Whether recovery is going good or bad, meeting with the Blueshirts is always a positive experience. There is something special about meeting with guys to whom you can reveal anything. There is a great amount of trust, encouragement, and strength in the Boueshirts.

But then came Tuesday and Wednesday. This addict really struggled on both days. I can't really say why, but I found myself acting out in the afternoon on both days. The cycle of addiction had set in and this addict was mired in shame.

Thursday came and I climbed up out of the valley. I checked-in with one of my accountability partners and had a clean day.

Thursday also brought a speech competition. I was entered both in the Tall Tales and Humorous categories. I experienced the ultimate thrill when I won best speaker for my Tall Tale - "The Salt Moose." I am now advancing to the district competition in Rochester, Minnesota.

And today I am feeling the nervousness and excitement of anticipation. I am scheduled to run the Twin Cities Marathon on Sunday. Today is the day where runners get to pick up their racing packets and get all their stuff together for the run. I am excited and scared.

Ups and downs.

Turtle Pulse Check (09/26)

It has been an up-and-down week for this addict. After three weeks of sobriety, I have been facing daily struggles. As an alcoholic would say, it all comes down to that first drink.

During my three weeks of sobriety, I was very disciplined about not looking at anything inappropriate. I avoided channel surfing and set boundaries around any inappropriate websites. I was very deliberate about how I used my time at the office and kept focused on my work.

But last week I made the mistake of "taking the first drink." After reading an article about football on the Sports Illustrated website, I followed a link to pictures of the cheerleader of the week. That one indiscretion changed my mindset irrevocably. I did not act out that day, but I have acted out twice this week. When will I learn?

Today I am trying to get re-focused. I spent some time in prayer this morning. I contacted one of my accountability partners. I've made a mental plan on how to use my time at the office and avoid distractions whether on- or off-line.

Once again, addiction feels like a stone tied around my neck. Even when I am having good days, I don't feel fully able to enjoy them without thinking about the monster of addiction. I really want to be able to just enjoy being a person and being alive. But I always have to think about how I am going to avoid acting out.

Still ... I have lots and lots to be thankful for. I have a great wife and wonderful family. I have a job that provides for us and that I enjoy. I have the support of other men and some good friendships. I enjoy running. And if having to think about addiction is the price to pay for enjoying all of these blessing, then I am willing and happy to pay it.

Thank you all for your support!

Thank You for the Phone Brigade

Yesterday the process worked. It wasn't smooth, it wasn't easy, but it worked.

I was really struggling with being triggered yesterday. I had completed quite a bit of work and was feeling the justification to reward myself. And accessing internet pornography seemed like a good idea (???).

It wasn't a blindside. Despite 3 weeks of sobriety, I acted out last Friday and knew that I might be vulnerable this week. So I called a fellow Blueshirt on Saturday while I was in a position of strength and relative sanity. We arranged that he would call me on Monday afternoon.

And the phone call came.

"Are you in the middle of something?"

I almost had to laugh at the question. I know he was asking me whether I was caught up in a work project, but the truth was that I was minutes away from searching the internet. I was, indeed, in the middle of something.

Several things were really good about this call. 1 - I had set it up ahead of time. 2 - My fellow Blueshirt followed through. 3 - I actually answered the phone even though I knew who it was and even though I was ready to act out. 4 - I was honest with my fellow Blueshirt. 5 - He listened and gave me feedback. 6 - Knowing my vulnerable state, I asked him to call again in an hour. 7 - He DID call me again in an hour. 8 - I DID NOT ACT OUT!!!




Yesterday the system worked. The phone brigade helped me to avoid a big slip. This is how it works: we focus on the things we CAN change (i.e., making phone calls, being honest). We follow through. We help each other.

Thank you, Blueshirts! Thank you for the Phone Brigade!

A Turtle's Day

This turtle is still dealing with the back-to-school transition.

No ... I'm not going back to school. But when your household includes six children who ARE going back to school, their transition becomes your transition.

For most of our children, back-to-school has been a positive experience. Bayley is a senior this year. Braxton is a freshman and happy to be out of the house after his battle with cancer. Zoe is in fifth grade - the top class at her elementary. Gretchen is in fourth grade and having fun. And Emma just started kindergarten! Bayley, Braxton, and Zoe are all tired - still adjusting to getting up early. Braxton is struggling with some of his math homework. And Emma tells us each day after school that "it was the best day ever!"

Then there is Paul. For Paul, everything is a challenge. Paul has been diagnosed as having Asperger's and really struggles with certain aspects of school. He is very very smart - there is nothing in school that he doesn't understand. But he struggles with writing, struggles with pencils, and struggles with focus.

Last year he lost complete focus in the classroom. If the students were given time to work on assignments, Paul just "zoned out" and did nothing. So he had lots and lots and lots of homework.

This year he seems more willing to focus, but he can easily be "shut down" from frustration. He had one of those days yesterday.

I talked to Paul about his whole school day yesterday:

First period was Good. He had gym and they played ultimate frisbee. It was a little boring.

Second period was Good. He had art class and they were working on a project involving their folders.

Third period was Good. It was science.

Lunch and recess were Good.

Fourth period was Bad. He had social science. The class was fine, but his pencil broke and he didn't have an extra one with him. He zoned out.

Fifth period was Bad. It was math. Paul likes math and is good at math, but he was still frustrated by his pencil - even though he had others in his desk. He zoned out.

Sixth period was Bad. Language arts. He was still mad about his pencil. He zoned out.

I wish I could help him. It's hard to see him lose half a day out of frustration. There's got to be a way to help him move forward. I wish I had an answer - but unfortunately, I'm kind of the same way.

Any suggestions?

Turtle Pulse Check (09/09)

I have been experiencing some stress and isolation as I transition to a new work schedule and changes at work. In addition to the recent transition to bussing and the changes to my schedule brought on by the new school year, my employer has now added a filter to our work computer system that prevents access to personal e-mail accounts. I am slowly becoming aware of how much I relied on e-mail for doing personal check-ins and connecting with the outside world.

Here is my check-in for this morning:


FEELINGS

Today I feel grateful, focused, isolated, and happy.


ISSUES

Maintaining focus at work.


NEEDS

I need to make phone calls and find other ways to reach out. No isolation!

A Turtle's Day

This turtle is still learning about the bus system.

Each bus in the morning starts at a different place at Rosedale. Some start in the parking lot and others start at a little pavement island over at the "Transit Station." No matter where they start they also stop at the bus stop. So I could make it easy on myself by always heading over to the bus stop. But sometimes the morning bus is full and there aren't many seats left if I wait at the bus stop.

Today I wasn't really sure where the early bus started, so I waited at the bus stop. The bus was fairly crowded and I got a seat in the hub section that connects the two busses. This was fine until it was time to get off. When your stop is approaching, you're supposed to pull a cord to signal the driver that you want to stop. But there is no cord on the hub section. So I had to get up and walk while the bus was still moving.

Then I said, "Stop please!"
"Right here?" the driver answered.
"Yes."

And I got off and walked to the office.


The evenings are a challenge, too. Matching the bus schedule to what actually happens has been difficult. The busses run frequently enough that it doesn't matter most of the time. Typically I will head out early for one bus and actually manage to catch the earlier bus (which is running behind). Since I always have a book with me, I don't worry about having to wait for the bus.

But yesterday was the first time I had to catch a particular bus because of an obligation at home. I needed to catch the 5:15 so I could be at the Kindergarten Parents' Meeting at 6:00. The schedule says that the bus is supposed to be at 2nd & 7th at 5:15. I catch the bus 4 blocks later at 2nd & 3rd. I left my office at 5:10 and was approaching my stop at 5:12 when I saw the bus go by. It was early!!

Things would still be ok. I just needed to get on the 5:40 bus and I would be a few minutes late. But here confusion entered. I knew that there were busses that went to Rosedale and other busses that went to the Roseville OVAL. What was the distinction? 260 vs. 261 or 260 vs. 260B. I couldn't remember. A 260B came and I assumed it was the wrong bus. I was wrong and so I watched my 5:40 bus pass me by. So I sat at the bus stop until 6:10 and came home in frustration.

I don't mind the waiting. I am reading a good book and the time went by fast. But I had made a commitment and it is very frustrating to miss something that you have said you would attend. And I really wanted to be there!! How much more fun could there be than going to your little one's first school parent meeting!!

Oh well. Eventually I'll get it all figured out. In the meantime I'll just enjoy the ride!

Note to Blueshirts

Hello, Blueshirts:

It is definitely a time of transition and I am feeling it in many ways.

The kids all went back to school this week. Emma started kindergarten and so my morning routines have taken a big jolt. I am now involved in taking both Emma and Zoe to school a couple of days a week. Unfortunately, school for them doesn't start until 9:15am and I am taking a bus to work now. There is a 9:30 bus, but it means I don't get to the office until 10:00 on those days. Although I've cleared all of this with my supervisor, I can tell there is some resistance to the idea. So I am definitely feeling some extra stress with this change.

I also have not really adjusted to my new office space at work. I have a nicer office than before, but one that is more isolated in location. I am slowly beginning to realize how much I have relied on others stopping by to give me some socialization during the work day. That simply isn't happening now. So I am feeling a bit lonely at the office and need to figure out how to be proactive about reaching out.

I have had a good week for sobriety. No acting out last weekend or so far this week.

Note to Blueshirts

Hello, Blueshirts:

I have acted out twice this week - Monday and Thursday. I don't think I am taking it all very seriously. Perhaps I need to go listen to some "First Step" talks and remind myself of the consequences of acting. What are the costs? What are the risks?

And I also have to say that I haven't really even enjoyed acting out. I feel doubly robbed. I gave up my sobriety and got very little in return.

After I have acted out I can look back and see where I could have said "no." I need to find this point in the process before I act out. Where is that time when I can still stop myself and surrender my body to Christ instead?

Note to Blueshirts

Hello, Blueshirts:

Last week was quiet. I didn't make many calls to other Blueshirts and I didn't get many calls. Are we all on "vacation" from accountability?

I had an ok week. I acted out only once, but would really like to go a full week without doing that.

Today is Monday and a new work week is here.

Today:

F - sad, low energy, quiet, lonely

I - being productive at work; avoiding distraction

N - I need to be honest with myself and others. Rigorous honesty.


I know this is a stressful time for each of us. New school year, job challenges, and some big challenges with home and family. Let's lift one another up in prayer. Your brothers need you!

A Word for the Blueshirts

`For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This is a great mystery, and I am applying it to Christ and the church.

+ Ephesians 5:31-32


[T]here's an important element of truth in our society's idolatrous obsession with sex. Behind every false god we discover our desire for the true God gone awry. The sexual confusion so prevalent in our world and in our own hearts is simply the human desire for heaven gone berserk. Untwist the distortions and we discover the astounding glory of sex in the divine plan. "For this reason ... the two become one flesh." For what reason? To reveal, proclaim, and anticipate the eternal union of Christ and the Church.

+ Christopher West, Theology of the Body for Beginners, 57.

Note to Blueshirts

Good morning, Brothers:

I acted out last night while at home alone. Beth was at class, Emma was with her grandparents, and the other kids were with their dad. I didn't want to act out, but I did. And I don't know that I even got any pleasure out of it. All the guilt and none of the pleasure ... Satan is a master bargainer.

I read the following reflection today on Hazelden's website and thought I would share it with you:

"Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Commencing to drink after a period of sobriety, we are, in a short time, as bad as ever. If we have admitted we are alcoholics, we must have no reservations of any kind, nor any lurking notion that some day we will be immune to alcohol. What sort of thinking dominates an alcoholic who repeats time after time the desperate experiment of the first drink? Parallel with sound reasoning, there inevitably runs some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. There is little thought of what the terrific consequences may be." Have I given up all excuses for taking a drink?


Have I given up all excuses for looking at porn???

A Turtle's Day

It has been a week of transitions and at then end of the week this turtle is pretty content.

One week ago I started taking the bus to work. It takes some extra time and planning, but it saves gas and money. It also gives me the opportunity to read during my commute which is less stressful than driving in heavy traffic.

I also transitioned to a new office space as they moved our team back to the building we started in. No more "fish bowl" for me. I am actually in an office. But I do miss sitting closer to some of my office friends.

At home we have been watching children come and go. Zoe and Gretchen were at Camp Courage. Then Bayley left for the Dominican Republic. Then Zoe left again for Girl Scout Camp. Today Zoe returns from camp and all of the children are at home. We should have a fun weekend together!

Note to Blueshirts

Good morning, Brothers:

I hope your week has been a good one. I am so very, very grateful for our meeting this past Monday. It has helped set me back on the path to recovery. "Progress ... not perfection."

It had been a long time since we last met face-to-face as a group. That absence of fellowship seemed to put a strain on each of us. The addict inside found it easier to drive wedges between what we wanted for ourselves and what the addict wanted. We each found ourselves struggling. Me especially.

I am happy to report that this has been a clean week for me. I am happier to report that I have kept my commitment to daily phone calls. These have proved important and effective. While I have not acted out, the thoughts have definitely been there. But the commitment to make a call and the knowledge that others were waiting for that call has been enough to keep the addict in check.

I needed the call to prevent the possibility of acting out last night.

One day at a time.

I am committed to calling again today.

Thank you, Blueshirts, for the ways you help me to just keep trying.

Note to Blueshirts

Hi, TZ:

Thanks for your voice-mail and e-mail yesterday. I would still like to get together sometime soon. I need to get out of this rut that I am in. Actually, at this point, I really need to WANT to stop acting out. Part of me is sick and tired of where I am and feeling like a slave to things I don't want to do. Another part of me just wants to keep it up, enjoy it, and continue on with life.

So the first step, I guess, is to pray for the desire to be free of this stuff.

Do I want to be healed???

Pray for me.

STUMBLED

"No Free Porn"

Brothers:

Here is an excellent article on the true cost of our addiction:

No Free Porn

Let's make sure we count the costs.

Note to Blueshirts

Hello, Blueshirts:

I have been struggling this past week. I acted out at the office last week on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. I acted out at home yesterday.

Worse than acting out, I am rationalizing. I am telling myself that porn is no big deal. It's just something men look at and it's a healthy way to deal with our physical needs.

I know this is a lie, but I could easily believe it right now. It's hard to fight such lies. When you believe them, there's no real motivation to stay sober.

So I need to acknowledge the lie. I need to acknowledge God's truth. Any man who looks at a woman with lust has committed adultery in his heart. Porn is adultery. It is not part of God's plan for me. I have to acknowledge this and confess my thoughts.

Prayer needed ...

Do You Really Want a Cure?

A distressed person came to a wise man for help.

"Do you really want a cure?" the wise man asked.

"If I did not, would I bother to come to you?" the disciple answered.

"Oh, yes," the wise man said. "Most people do."

And the disciple said, incredulously, "But what for then?"

And the wise man answered, "Well, not for a cure. That's painful. They come for relief."


+ taken from The Rule of Benedict: Insights for the Ages, by Joan Chittister.

A Turtle's Day

It has been a quiet week for this turtle. Besides hot & sunny weather, the only big thing going on has been a landscaping project.

Beth and I decided to re-do the rocks lining both sides of our driveway last week. Too many weeds have been getting through and making the rocks very unattractive. So we dug out the old orange rocks, dug deeper into the ground by the driveway, laid in new edging and laid down new lining, and selected new rocks to re-fill the area. We went with "river rocks," a mix of different colored rocks that are smooth and round.

Beth also decided that her garden needed some new mulch to prevent weeds from taking over. So we (she) selected a dark hardwood mulch with which to cover up everything.

So last weekend, and throughout this past week, Beth and I have spent time working together in the front yard - she working primarily on the garden and me diggin and distributing rocks. It was a good set of projects to do together and I feel good for having spent time outdoors, accomplished something, and spent some time with my lover.

This week should be a quieter week as Zoe & Gretchen have gone up north for camp together. This should be a great adventure for them and a quiet house for us.

Note to Blueshirts

Hello, Blueshirts:

I had a big slip yesterday. But I really feel that the more important issue is what I do with today. Today is a chance to focus on progress - not perfection.

If I focus on perfection, then there is no hope for me. Each slip brings utter failure and total condemnation.

But if the focus is progress, then there is hope indeed. Hope that comes from knowing Christ and the grace that He provides. Hope from the presence of brothers who will walk this path with me. Hope that my hard heart can be softened and renewed over time.

So I am putting yesterday behind me. Today is a new day.

Today is a day for renewed surrender to Christ. Today is a day to re-connect through prayer and phone calls. Today is a day to focus on my outer-circle activities and the healthy joy they bring.

I will contact each of you today to re-affirm my commitment to surrender and progress.

Thank you, Brothers!

STUMBLED

A Turtle's Day

A TURTLE'S DAY



D-Monk and family took the circus "up north" for some vacation. Everyone came on this trip except for Bayley who was at church camp. Even the family dogs - Sunny & Rufus - got in on the action.

With two adults, five children, and two dogs, we were forced to take two cars for the drive. This provided one of the trip highlights. I was driving the lead car and had both dogs with me. Rufus had his head out the window letting his ears flap in the breeze. Then I got a phone call from my wife.

"Rufus' drool is hitting my windshield!"

The whole vacation was great. We stayed at a cabin on Little Dead Horse Lake - about 20 miles north of Grand Rapids, MN. The cabin was right on the water front, with a dock, two fishing boats, and a paddle boat.

The kids enjoyed a weekend of fishing off the dock, paddle boating, hiking, and being in a parade for the city of Marble, Minnesota (celebrating its 100th birthday). The parade also featured what has to be the slowest marching band in the world (a collection of old men from Chisolm, Minnesota who are part of a drum and bugle corps). D-Monk enjoyed all of the above plus going out on the lake to watch and photograph a family of loons.

On the final day of the trip, D-Monk took two of his children (Paul & Gretchen) to the headwaters of the Mississippi River at Lake Itasca in northwestern Minnesota.

A fun time was had by all!

Note to Blueshirts

Hello, Blueshirts:

I have been off on vacation with my family the past several days and the time off was good. I am happy to report continued sobriety and a sense of reconnection with my loved ones. Blessings all around!


Today:

F - anxious, rushed, grateful

I - getting back into rhythm at work

N - reconnect with God through prayer and surrender


I hope all is well with each of you. Sorry for missing Monday's meeting. The good news is that my check-in would have included two weeks of sobriety.

Time to march forward!

Note to Blueshirts

Hello, Blueshirts:

Today it's slippery but sober.

I have had a good week - at home and at the office. The gift of sobriety has continued. But I am also finding myself distracted this week. Perhaps it is because it's summer. Perhaps it's because I haven't refilled my A.D.D. medication. Perhaps it's because a holiday weekend is on it's way and our family will be headed up north.

Whatever the reason, I find myself less present at the office. My mind is not on my work. That in itself is not so bad, but once my mind starts wandering addictive behavior is one of the places it will inevitably stumble upon.

This happened to me yesterday afternoon. I had completed a project and was yearning for vacation and the great outdoors. To that point I had not experienced any desire for acting out nor any serious triggers. But suddenly my mind was not focused and I found myself wanting to go to old websites. I even started down that path for a little while.

This type of episode really frustrates me. I don't feel safe with myself. What is it that takes me back to that place even when life is going good?


Today:

F - distracted, frustrated, hopeful, grateful

I - stay focused at work

N - to be rigorously honest with myself and others; to surrender all to Christ.


Thanks for listening, Brothers. Have a great day!

Clippy Says

A Turtle's Day

It's been a quiet couple of days here in Turtle Town. I guess we are just in between adventures.

We had a great family adventure to Illinois last weekend. Beth's niece Alissa got married and we all had a wonderful time.

This coming weekend we will take the whole fam damily up into northern Minnesota to stay at a cabin which was offered to us for free. It will be a circus vacation - one which includes all six children from our blended families. And for this trip we will even bring our two dogs - Sunny & Rufus. I'm sure they'll hear us coming! Watch out!!!

But now it is simply "in between." A 3 1/2 day work week with nothing but quiet. Of course when you're used to a circus, quiet's not a bad thing!

The Cost of Forgiveness

In a Twelve-Step recovery program, the Fourth Step involves a moral inventory: "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." To make this moral inventory, it is recommended that the addict first compile a list of things and people he resents. This list of resentments is the key to uncovering assumptions and wrong actions that lie in the addict's past (and continue to shape his present).

So what does the addict do with all of these resentments?

According to the Twelve-Steps he: (iv) makes an inventory, (v) admits to another his wrongs, (vi) becomes ready to remove these wrongs, (vii) asks God to remove his wrongs, (viii) makes a list of people harmed by his wrongs, and (ix) makes direct amends to those he has wronged where possible.

But what does the addict do about the wrongs done to him?

Here is where the resentment's balm steps in: FORGIVENESS.

To remove resentments, the addict must forgive.

But forgiveness does not come cheap. Forgiveness comes with a price tag. Is the addict willing to pay?

So what is this thing called forgiveness?

Let's begin with some things that forgiveness is not:


FORGIVENESS IS NOT THE SAME THING AS EXCUSING.

People sometimes say that "to understand is to forgive all," but in a sense that's exactly wrong. Forgiveness is what is required precisiely when there is no good rationale to explain away why someone did what they did.


FORGIVENESS IS NOT FORGETTING.

Forgiveness is what's required precisely when we CAN'T forget.


FORGIVING IS NOT THE SAME THING AS RECONCILING

Forgiveness takes place in the heart of one human being. It can be granted even if the other person does not ask for it or deserve it.


So what IS forgiveness?

FORGIVENESS IS PAYING THE PRICE FOR THE OTHER'S WRONG.

Forgiveness comes with a price tag and it is expensive. Forgiveing is required when excusing or condoning or tolerating or accepting are not big enough to do the job. The first step in forgiveness is the decision not to try to inflict a reciprocal pain on everyone who has caused hurt.

When I forgive you, I give up the right to hurt you back.

I suspend the law of vengeance.
I give up the right to lecture you.
I give up the right to hold a grudge.
I give up the right to say, "I told you so."

FORGIVENESS HAS A PRICE AND THAT PRICE IS HIGH!

So why forgive?

Because the alternative is resentment and resentment has an even higher price tag.

Resentment means "to feel again." Resentment clings to the past, relives it over and over, picks each fresh scab so that the wound never heals.

Not to forgive imprisons me in the past and locks out all potential for change. I thus yield control to another, my enemy, and doom myself to suffer the consequences of the wrong.


Yes, forgiveness has a price, but so does resentment.

Don't forgive, and your anger will become your burden.

Don't forgive, and bit by bit all the joy will be choked out of you.

Don't forgive, and you will be unable to trust anybody ever again.

Don't forgive, and the bitterness will crowd the compassion out of your heart slowly, utterly, forever.

STUMBLED

Seeking "Connectedness"

Good morning, Blueshirts:

Thanks for the good meeting last night (we missed you O-F).

It seems to me that the theme for the week was "connectedness." Each of us desires to feel more connected with our spouse. The need for connection is a little different for each of us, but the need is common.

We also each expressed a sense in which we sabotage our chances at experiencing connectedness by interpreting acts and words of our spouses in the worst light possible. If she turns out the light first, she must not desire us (as opposed to simply being tired). Thus we not only don't find the connectedness we seek, but we guarantee it won't be there by justifying our feelings of loneliness and rationalizing the "need" to continue to act out. At least I can say that this is true for me.

After thinking about our discussion last night I can see how I have been using these techniques to isolate myself and create defensive walls so that I don't get hurt. I crave to be connected with Beth, but at some level I don't believe that I am worthy of such connection and I don't believe that she will want to connect with me at the deeper level I crave for. So I isolate myself. I interpret innocent actions in a bad light and build up a whole set of beliefs about how her actions must be showing that she doesn't desire me. In a sense, I can then control my isolation.

I build up false evidence of rejection so that I don't have to risk the pain of true rejection. But I also ensure that I will never be able to experience that sense of connection and affirmation that I so strongly crave. I am so afraid that she won't give me affirmation that I make sure that she never has the chance to give it to me. Then I can be safe and alone.

Boy am I one sick bastard!

Lord, help me open myself to Beth and others so that I may experience the connection and love for which you created me. Help me to interpret Beth's actions in a positive light and seek to make sure that I love her and let her know that I love her. Let me be brave enough to be hurt so that I can also experience love and healing.

You know what, Brothers? I think there is a lot of risk in healing and recovery. Are we up to it?

--
+PAX

Running Log (2008-06-22)

Saturday: 7.0 miles.
Sunday: 4.4 miles.

Saturday and Sunday were both beautiful days for running, although Sunday was a little coooler and a little easier.

Saturday was supposed to be a ten mile run, but I got off to a rough start. I hardly slept at all Friday night, and then I got up early and drove Paul to Little Falls, MN (about 1 1/2 hours away), spent a few hours up there, and drove back. So part of me was unsure as to whether I should even attempt a long run since I was tired. But I did.

I almost called it off less than two miles in. I just didn't seem to be able to get into my rhythm. So I stoppe dand walked for a bit, intending to quit and try again on Sunday. But then, after collecting my breath, I decided to push onward and actually had a very enjoyable run.


REFLECTION

I am reading a book called The Spirituality of Running. It advocates using the experience of running as a time to grow spiritually. The book includes a number of questions to meditate upon during runs.

The book opens by defining spirituality as including three elements:

(i) Our relationship with ourself,
(ii) Our relationship with others, and
(iii) Our relationship with God (Higher Power, Ultimate Reality).

The first topic for reflection is to examine what we like and don't like about our relationship with ourself.

I spent my Saturday run thinking about this question. Here are my thoughts:

There are a number of things I like about my relationship with myself. I like that as I am growing older I continue to seek growth as a person and that I am seeking more self-awareness. I like that I approach this relationship and self-understanding without emphasizing what I see happening in others. As I grow older I worry less about whether my self-understanding is good or bad compared to others. I am just trying to learn more about me. And I like that my self-relationship is not centered on perfection. I am slowly becoming aware that perfection is not the ultimate goal. Rather, I simply strive for progress. I want to be growing.

The book also asks for thoughts on what I don't like about my relationship with myself. Unfortunately, there are a number of such things. I don't like that I often feel lonely or panicked when I am alone. Why am I not happy being just with me? I also don't like my harshness with myself. I am very judgmental and seem always ready to tell myself when I am doing things wrong. I also don't like that my self-relationship is primarily intellectual. I don't think I allow my feelings and emotions to play a sufficient role in how I understand or evaluate myself.

Note to Blueshirts

Blueshirts:

I have been struggling the past week. I have had three sober days at the office this week, but acted out at home last night (it seems we suddenly have access to high-speed wireless internet from a new neighbor - now how in the world did my addict figure that out?).

I was reading the blog of a friend whose son is also battling cancer. I found the following reflection there:

Anyway, looking at the first chapter of Job, any tragic situation gets a new framework. God has protected Job and allowed him to prosper. Job recognizes that all of his blessings are from God, and is appropriately thankful. Satan (literally, "the accuser") uses this relationship to make the charge that Job is worshiping God only because he is blessed and protected. Satan states that if Job was not protected, he would not be faithful. God then allows the test to proceed.

God entrusts His reputation to Job, and when Job is faithful, God is glorified. That frames my situation much differently. God is entrusting His reputation with me, since my words and actions are now getting much greater scrutiny than before we learned of Ian's condition. God has Ian's best interest in mind, and will take care of my son. My charge is to continue to glorify God no matter what happens.

These same thoughts can easily be applied to our struggle with addiction. Why does God allow us to continue in our struggle? Why doesn't He just heal us and take the glory? Perhaps it is because He finds it more satisfying for us to bring Him glory when life is hard and when we trust Him even while we struggle. In fact, in our addiction we have a place where we can give our utmost to God. When we trust Him to heal us and when we choose to surrender to Him even while we fight a constant desire to bring pleasure to ourselves, we give God a special gift of glory.

And so I pray:

Lord, you have blessed us with the gift of freedom of choice. May we use this choice in good times and bad to demonstrate our trust in you. May our free choices bring you glory, even when our circumstances do not.

Amen.

STUMBLED