It has been an up-and-down week for this addict. After three weeks of sobriety, I have been facing daily struggles. As an alcoholic would say, it all comes down to that first drink.
During my three weeks of sobriety, I was very disciplined about not looking at anything inappropriate. I avoided channel surfing and set boundaries around any inappropriate websites. I was very deliberate about how I used my time at the office and kept focused on my work.
But last week I made the mistake of "taking the first drink." After reading an article about football on the Sports Illustrated website, I followed a link to pictures of the cheerleader of the week. That one indiscretion changed my mindset irrevocably. I did not act out that day, but I have acted out twice this week. When will I learn?
Today I am trying to get re-focused. I spent some time in prayer this morning. I contacted one of my accountability partners. I've made a mental plan on how to use my time at the office and avoid distractions whether on- or off-line.
Once again, addiction feels like a stone tied around my neck. Even when I am having good days, I don't feel fully able to enjoy them without thinking about the monster of addiction. I really want to be able to just enjoy being a person and being alive. But I always have to think about how I am going to avoid acting out.
Still ... I have lots and lots to be thankful for. I have a great wife and wonderful family. I have a job that provides for us and that I enjoy. I have the support of other men and some good friendships. I enjoy running. And if having to think about addiction is the price to pay for enjoying all of these blessing, then I am willing and happy to pay it.
Thank you all for your support!
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