Turtle Pulse Check (11/10)

It has - once again - been a while since I have blogged. Sometimes this is because I am busy. Sometimes this is because things are going smoothly and I don't have much to reflect on. But sometimes this is because things are confusing and I'm struggling and I just don't want to deal with it all. Now is one of those times.

I had a lot of stress leading into a business trip at the end of October. I was going to be on the road for four days and my wife was going to be out of town for two days prior to that. This meant I was going to be facing a very very large block of time during which I had no real accountability. And that scared me.

I had fears of binging and bottoming out through unrestricted access to internet porn. So I reached out to the Blueshirts for some help. I made a plan. And I even shared my fears with my wife. I pledged to stay sober during this time period. And I did!

I came home from my business trip with a great sense of accomplishment and lots of excitement! I did it! I went away and stayed sober!

But then I was home and the adrenaline of the white-knuckling pledge faded away. And soon I found myself acting out - gazing at internet porn while at my office. What a let down! What a struggle! What frustration!

I felt weak and useless. I felt a sense of worthlessness. I didn't feel like I could share this experience with my accountability partners. How would they react?

So I really isolated last week and it became a bad week.

This weekend I was able to get away with my wife. We traveled to Lake Superior's North Shore. Away from the office, away from cell phones, and away from the internet. It was a great weekend and I now feel refreshed, connected, and energized.

So today I start again on this off-again/on-again road to recovery. Today it is on-again. Today I made phone calls, took time for prayer, and journaled here at my blog.

And now I am leaving the office and heading home ... sober.

+