Note to Blueshirts - Mini First Step

Hello, Brothers:

It is time for me to check-in about this week and then do a little First Step reflection.


This week has been very disappointing for me. I came out of our meeting with renewed energy and a sense that I could get back on the right path for recovery. I started Monday with quiet time, prayer, phone calls, and a post in this blog. All steps to move forward and walk the road of progress.

But then came Tuesday afternoon ... late afternoon. I got towards the end of the day - 4:00 or so - and my mind began to drift. The buzz started to rise up in my body and the desire to find that place of sensation took over. I began by looking on the internet for images of celebrities, followed by looking for nude women, and soon found myself acting out.

I went home and just wondered what was going on. I blamed all of you!! I only tell you this so that I can be honest, not because I truly believe that any of you was the least bit at fault. But it was a lot easier to accept my actions by pointing the finger away from me.

[sigh]

I came to the office Wednesday morning feeling a complete failure. I left a message for Rod and made sure to take some time at the office for quiet and prayer. I started to have another good day and began to shrug off what had happened the day before. But the same pattern set in. I got to the late afternoon and found myself wanting to get into that buzz of just looking. I felt like I needed a "hit." I had spent part of the morning talking to Jesus about my belief that his grace was enough for these times and that looking back I could see that there was a time each day when I still had the strength to say no to what was coming. But I found myself in the afternoon saying screw it! There's no consequences ... I'm not hurting anyone ... it helps me keep focused during the day and get my work done and now I deserve a reward!

Lies, lies, lies.

But I believed each one.

I had a clean day yesterday, but that is simply a testament to the fact that I was in meetings all day until I went home.


Now let's look at the First Step:

1. We admitted we were powerless over addictive sexual behavior—that our lives had become unmanageable.

My life this week is a testimony to the first step. It is telling me that I need to take this first step once again. I say that because the lie that has really taken hold of me this week is that I can control this behavior (at least to the extent of keeping it in check or keeping it at "normal" levels) and that I can manage my life.

My addict has gone along kicking and screaming to claim that I can control this and everything else in my life. I am in control. I am strong. I'm independent. I don't need help. Iam a man.

The lie continues: I will overcome this problem when I take the right steps and when I do the right things. I ... I ... I. I have the power - it's up to me.

NOT!!!


I am powerless over my addiction. The sooner I get this truth all the way through my head the sooner I will be able to truly surrender to Christ and the process of healing.

Four plus years of recovery and I still haven't fully come to grips with the very first step.


My original first step story?

I first encountered Playboy when I was around twelve or thirteen. I had the same experience with it as most boys. No true addictive behavior when I was young.

The addictive behavior set in when I was in law school. I began to buy magazines (soft core - Playboy & Hustler). I was embarrassed every time I made a purchase. Then we got internet in our house for the first time. Anonymous. Totally anonymous. No shame.

Soon I was spending hours at night surfing the net looking for free, anonymous pornography. I would be up until 3 or 4 in the morning.

Then I started working and things got better for a while. I had pledged that no matter what, I would never view porn at work. But then I did once.

I remember swearing to myself in the car on the way home that night and I remember the fear of driving in the next morning. I was sure that the IT department would have monitored it and that I would be met by someone that morning. I was hoping I wouldn't lose my job.

But nothing happened. Whew. Never again.

But it did happen again. And the same remorse and fear followed.

Eventually it started to become a regular afternoon habit. Then when it got to the point where I had acted out every day for a week, I realized I had a problem. I told my wife and started looking for help. Eventually we found Mark Laaser's group.

And here I am.

Am I getting anywhere yet?

Lord Jesus, please have mercy on me!

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