Seeking "Connectedness"

Good morning, Blueshirts:

Thanks for the good meeting last night (we missed you O-F).

It seems to me that the theme for the week was "connectedness." Each of us desires to feel more connected with our spouse. The need for connection is a little different for each of us, but the need is common.

We also each expressed a sense in which we sabotage our chances at experiencing connectedness by interpreting acts and words of our spouses in the worst light possible. If she turns out the light first, she must not desire us (as opposed to simply being tired). Thus we not only don't find the connectedness we seek, but we guarantee it won't be there by justifying our feelings of loneliness and rationalizing the "need" to continue to act out. At least I can say that this is true for me.

After thinking about our discussion last night I can see how I have been using these techniques to isolate myself and create defensive walls so that I don't get hurt. I crave to be connected with Beth, but at some level I don't believe that I am worthy of such connection and I don't believe that she will want to connect with me at the deeper level I crave for. So I isolate myself. I interpret innocent actions in a bad light and build up a whole set of beliefs about how her actions must be showing that she doesn't desire me. In a sense, I can then control my isolation.

I build up false evidence of rejection so that I don't have to risk the pain of true rejection. But I also ensure that I will never be able to experience that sense of connection and affirmation that I so strongly crave. I am so afraid that she won't give me affirmation that I make sure that she never has the chance to give it to me. Then I can be safe and alone.

Boy am I one sick bastard!

Lord, help me open myself to Beth and others so that I may experience the connection and love for which you created me. Help me to interpret Beth's actions in a positive light and seek to make sure that I love her and let her know that I love her. Let me be brave enough to be hurt so that I can also experience love and healing.

You know what, Brothers? I think there is a lot of risk in healing and recovery. Are we up to it?

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+PAX