The Cost of Forgiveness

In a Twelve-Step recovery program, the Fourth Step involves a moral inventory: "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." To make this moral inventory, it is recommended that the addict first compile a list of things and people he resents. This list of resentments is the key to uncovering assumptions and wrong actions that lie in the addict's past (and continue to shape his present).

So what does the addict do with all of these resentments?

According to the Twelve-Steps he: (iv) makes an inventory, (v) admits to another his wrongs, (vi) becomes ready to remove these wrongs, (vii) asks God to remove his wrongs, (viii) makes a list of people harmed by his wrongs, and (ix) makes direct amends to those he has wronged where possible.

But what does the addict do about the wrongs done to him?

Here is where the resentment's balm steps in: FORGIVENESS.

To remove resentments, the addict must forgive.

But forgiveness does not come cheap. Forgiveness comes with a price tag. Is the addict willing to pay?

So what is this thing called forgiveness?

Let's begin with some things that forgiveness is not:


FORGIVENESS IS NOT THE SAME THING AS EXCUSING.

People sometimes say that "to understand is to forgive all," but in a sense that's exactly wrong. Forgiveness is what is required precisiely when there is no good rationale to explain away why someone did what they did.


FORGIVENESS IS NOT FORGETTING.

Forgiveness is what's required precisely when we CAN'T forget.


FORGIVING IS NOT THE SAME THING AS RECONCILING

Forgiveness takes place in the heart of one human being. It can be granted even if the other person does not ask for it or deserve it.


So what IS forgiveness?

FORGIVENESS IS PAYING THE PRICE FOR THE OTHER'S WRONG.

Forgiveness comes with a price tag and it is expensive. Forgiveing is required when excusing or condoning or tolerating or accepting are not big enough to do the job. The first step in forgiveness is the decision not to try to inflict a reciprocal pain on everyone who has caused hurt.

When I forgive you, I give up the right to hurt you back.

I suspend the law of vengeance.
I give up the right to lecture you.
I give up the right to hold a grudge.
I give up the right to say, "I told you so."

FORGIVENESS HAS A PRICE AND THAT PRICE IS HIGH!

So why forgive?

Because the alternative is resentment and resentment has an even higher price tag.

Resentment means "to feel again." Resentment clings to the past, relives it over and over, picks each fresh scab so that the wound never heals.

Not to forgive imprisons me in the past and locks out all potential for change. I thus yield control to another, my enemy, and doom myself to suffer the consequences of the wrong.


Yes, forgiveness has a price, but so does resentment.

Don't forgive, and your anger will become your burden.

Don't forgive, and bit by bit all the joy will be choked out of you.

Don't forgive, and you will be unable to trust anybody ever again.

Don't forgive, and the bitterness will crowd the compassion out of your heart slowly, utterly, forever.