Shame

Today I feel shame.

Yesterday I wasn't going to tell anybody. Nobody else needed to know. Yes, I was screwing up, but that's my business! I can handle it! I don't need anybody else!

That's what I told myself.

When I woke up this morning, I knew better. I do need help and I can't get better on my own. And despite what I told myself yesterday, pornography is not ok. I don't want it any more!

I feel like I am drowning. Every time I get my head above water, the undertow sweeps me back to sea. If I make a plan to combat one set of triggers, another shows up at my door. I make a plan for travel - I stumble at home. I make a plan for home - I stumble at the office. I make a plan to avoid triggering media - an attractive co-worker shows up at my desk. Help!

H - E - L - P ! ! !

I know you understand all of this. That's why I am sharing with you.

I acted out yesterday at the office. I acted out while people were waiting for me at a happy hour. I put myself at risk of being caught, but - at the time - I didn't care.

Today I care.

Today I hurt.

Today I feel shame.

Today I know I need help.

Please, Lord, I believe. Help me in my unbelief!!