Stumbled ...

I acted out at the office yesterday. I viewed pornography on the internet even though I now work in a cube known as the "fishbowl."

There were some unique circumstances that led up to acting out. Braxton unexpectedly returned to the hospital on Sunday. I was not prepared for this sudden transition and experienced a great deal of stress. I had a pretty much sleepless night and really wanted to act out. So I arrived at work in a state of stress, anxiety, and fatigue.

Then there was a meeting that everyone in the office was supposed to attend. But since I was scheduled to go sit with Braxton in the hospital, I was excused from the meeting. This left me alone on the floor for about an hour before going to the hospital.

My addict seized on this opportunity. Partly to relieve stress and partly to see if I could act out in the fishbowl. It was as if I wanted to know that security of the addictive high was still available.

Ultimately this experience shows that I still place more trust in the relief I get from acting out than I place in Christ and my accountability partners. This is a very sad truth.

I am also alarmed that I would leave myself so exposed while acting out. I am aware that viewing internet pornography at work could lead to the loss of my job. So why did I do it?

Back to the First Step:

I admit that I am powerless over my addictive behavior and that my life is unmanageable when I try to control it.