A Letter to My Beloved

Dear Beloved,

Last night I disclosed to you that I have been acting out several times a week for the past four weeks. My goal in disclosure was to restore honesty and integrity and to afford you an opportunity to be heard. Unfortunately, I became defensive and closed myself off before any of these things could come about.

I love you and want you to feel safe, feel chosen, and feel heard. I apologize for not listening last night.

I heard you express that you don’t feel loved when I engage in addictive behavior, that you are frustrated because I am setting up a world of my own rules and I am choosing my own selfish desires rather than choosing you and choosing us. I also heard you express fear over finances. I think that I hear you saying that you do not feel safe. You said that you live with a daily fear that I will lose my job because of my acting out.

I can see how my continued cycle of acting out would cause these feelings. I would probably not feel fully loved if my partner kept turning to addictive behavior for escape and comfort rather than coming to me. I would feel neglected and abandoned. I would not feel chosen.

And I can also see how my behavior robs you of the ability to feel safe. We rely as a family on my income and it is possible for my behavior to lead to a loss of this income. And I think it would be especially frustrating to have no control over what is happening. This must really be a scary place to be.

My Love, I did not do a good job of listening last night. I did not attend to your feelings, thoughts, and emotions. Instead I spent my time wrapped up in myself. I am sorry.

Rather than listening to you, I became defensive. When you said that my acting out caused you to feel that I don’t love you, I reacted and put up a wall. I wanted to shout at you. I wanted to tell you that I do love you, that I love you even more now than when we married, and that my acting out is not related to how I feel about you. But of course I missed the point. The point was for me to take time to understand how you feel. I need to be aware of all of the consequences of my acting out and your feelings are a significant consequence to my behavior.

I would like to take some time to give you another chance to be heard. Then, at another time, if are open to it, I will try to talk through where I am and how I am feeling about recovery right now.

My Love, I have hurt you. First, I have hurt you by acting out. Second, I have hurt you by hiding the truth and not disclosing when I have acted out. And third, I hurt you by not listening last night.

I ask your forgiveness for these sins of mine. Please forgive me.

Sincerely,

D-Monk