Turtle Pulse Check (04/30)

I feel distracted this week. I'm still adjusting to my new workspace and the transition from an office to a cube. And Braxton has been in the hospital which makes everything else feel disjointed. I acted out on Monday, but have rebounded with two straight days of sobriety.


FEELINGS

Today I am feeling bored, grateful, and anxious. None of my feelings are very strong. I think I feel isolated from myself and others. Even when I am with others, I still feel as if I am in my own world. I often wonder if I am more disconnected than others or if everybody feels this way. I also wonder if I am just emotionally handicapped, unable to fully connect with others around me.


ISSUES

My main issue is making good use of time at work and at home. I feel very behind at work, but I have also gotten a lot done in the last week. I have completed a couple of projects so I've had that tangible feeling of accomplishment.


NEEDS

I think my main need is to stay focused. As you can probably tell from my feelings check-in, I am very distracted right now and that makes it hard to stay on task. Of course the other problem is discerning where my focus should be. Should I be concentrating on work, marriage, family, relationship to Christ, friends? It never feels as if there is enough time in the day to do all of the things I want to do. But I know that I am not alone in this feeling. I am grateful for all of the great people in my life and for my job.

Stumbled ...

I acted out at the office yesterday. I viewed pornography on the internet even though I now work in a cube known as the "fishbowl."

There were some unique circumstances that led up to acting out. Braxton unexpectedly returned to the hospital on Sunday. I was not prepared for this sudden transition and experienced a great deal of stress. I had a pretty much sleepless night and really wanted to act out. So I arrived at work in a state of stress, anxiety, and fatigue.

Then there was a meeting that everyone in the office was supposed to attend. But since I was scheduled to go sit with Braxton in the hospital, I was excused from the meeting. This left me alone on the floor for about an hour before going to the hospital.

My addict seized on this opportunity. Partly to relieve stress and partly to see if I could act out in the fishbowl. It was as if I wanted to know that security of the addictive high was still available.

Ultimately this experience shows that I still place more trust in the relief I get from acting out than I place in Christ and my accountability partners. This is a very sad truth.

I am also alarmed that I would leave myself so exposed while acting out. I am aware that viewing internet pornography at work could lead to the loss of my job. So why did I do it?

Back to the First Step:

I admit that I am powerless over my addictive behavior and that my life is unmanageable when I try to control it.

Blueshirt Minutes

The Blueshirts met last night. All four of us were present.

Check-ins were mixed, but good overall:

P.A. had a clean two weeks and has really been doing well overall since setting up some fences around tv and internet.

R.J. also had a clean two weeks with the exception of viewing massage adds on Craigs List one afternoon at an internet kiosk.

O.F. had a clean two weeks, but has been feeling triggered lately. Work and home have both been very demanding and he is beginning to feel the need to act out.

I was really struggling two weeks ago. I was stuck in a cycle of acting out and looking for some way to break the cycle and hit my "re-set." I had hoped to do it immediately after our Monday night meeting, but continued to struggle through Thursday of that week. Then I finally hit bottom, woke up, hit re-set, and disclosed to my wife. I have been clean and sober since April 10th.

Covenant Eyes has been a good tool for all of the addicts in our group. It has really helped bring the internet under control.

Greetings from the Fishbowl

D-Monk changed office spaces over the weekend. Not by choice. Our team has been moved across the street to an alternate site over the summer while the new landlord of our office building makes renovations. When we return, we will be making a "more efficient" use of space. That is, we will be using the new "open architecture" to pack more people into the same amount of space. I can't wait!

I am grateful that all of my stuff made it to my new cube. My computer and phone both work. And although I have less privacy than before, I am happy to be working with this group of people. You gotta remember, it's always the people that make the real difference.

My new cube has been nicknamed the "Fishbowl." This is because one of the corners is made out of plexiglass and it looks like I am just sitting in there for everyone else to watch. It's the only cube like that on the whole floor.

Lucky me ... :-|

But again ... it's the people that matter and I have a great team. So I am grateful to be moving with them wherever we end up going.

Turtle Pulse Check (04/15)

Today has been a good and productive day at the office. I spent time responding to phone calls and getting at projects that have been sitting on my desk for a while. I also spent some time packing and cleaning in the office with our move accross the street pending for Friday.

Last night I had a better conversation with Beth. I spent less time thinking about me and more time attending to her thoughts and feelings. I tried not to be defensive, but just to listen. I found more peace for myself in this process. I also became more aware of how my addiction hurts her. That doesn't feel good, but it is better to know the truth than to continue to live in denial.

Here is today's pulse check:


FEELINGS

Hopeful, grateful, busy, anxious, happy


ISSUES

Keeping up with my work load while also cleaning my office and preparing to move.


NEEDS

I need to find a way to maintain honesty with Beth, even when I have acted out. Although it usually involves pain, I have found that in the case of my addict, the truth really does set me free.

Adventures With Braxton: Day 32

"Well, Braxton, I have some good news and some bad news for you today.

"The good news is that you're going to get a visit from your algebra teacher."

"Geez," Braxton replied, "What's the bad news?"

"The bad news is that your hair is starting to fall out."

"Yeah, I noticed that."

"We're gonna have to shave!"

******************************************************************

And so it came about that on Sunday, April 13th, Braxton was first visited by his algebra teacher in the afternoon. This was the first opportunity for Braxton since his cancer diagnosis to meet with an educator and do "normal" stuff like math. Although he would much rather be back in school, it was a good thing to be learning again.


And so it also came about that Braxton got his head shaved all the way down to the skin last night. We used my razor, which is not really meant for that sort of thing. So it took a long time, but eventually, with his Mother's loving touch, we shaved his head so it is smooth. This is an even bigger deal than the last head shave, but Braxton seems ok with it.

You're lookin' good, Braxton!!


+ To learn more about Braxton's journey to cancer recovery, go to: http://adventureswithbraxton.blogspot.com/

A Letter to My Beloved

Dear Beloved,

Last night I disclosed to you that I have been acting out several times a week for the past four weeks. My goal in disclosure was to restore honesty and integrity and to afford you an opportunity to be heard. Unfortunately, I became defensive and closed myself off before any of these things could come about.

I love you and want you to feel safe, feel chosen, and feel heard. I apologize for not listening last night.

I heard you express that you don’t feel loved when I engage in addictive behavior, that you are frustrated because I am setting up a world of my own rules and I am choosing my own selfish desires rather than choosing you and choosing us. I also heard you express fear over finances. I think that I hear you saying that you do not feel safe. You said that you live with a daily fear that I will lose my job because of my acting out.

I can see how my continued cycle of acting out would cause these feelings. I would probably not feel fully loved if my partner kept turning to addictive behavior for escape and comfort rather than coming to me. I would feel neglected and abandoned. I would not feel chosen.

And I can also see how my behavior robs you of the ability to feel safe. We rely as a family on my income and it is possible for my behavior to lead to a loss of this income. And I think it would be especially frustrating to have no control over what is happening. This must really be a scary place to be.

My Love, I did not do a good job of listening last night. I did not attend to your feelings, thoughts, and emotions. Instead I spent my time wrapped up in myself. I am sorry.

Rather than listening to you, I became defensive. When you said that my acting out caused you to feel that I don’t love you, I reacted and put up a wall. I wanted to shout at you. I wanted to tell you that I do love you, that I love you even more now than when we married, and that my acting out is not related to how I feel about you. But of course I missed the point. The point was for me to take time to understand how you feel. I need to be aware of all of the consequences of my acting out and your feelings are a significant consequence to my behavior.

I would like to take some time to give you another chance to be heard. Then, at another time, if are open to it, I will try to talk through where I am and how I am feeling about recovery right now.

My Love, I have hurt you. First, I have hurt you by acting out. Second, I have hurt you by hiding the truth and not disclosing when I have acted out. And third, I hurt you by not listening last night.

I ask your forgiveness for these sins of mine. Please forgive me.

Sincerely,

D-Monk

"I Give Whatever He Takes"

Often I wonder what does God really get from me in this state -- no faith, no love -- not even in feelings. The other day I can't tell you how bad I felt. There was a moment when I nearly refused to accept. Deliberately I took the Rosary and very slowly without even meditating or thinking -- I said it slowly and calmly. The moment passed -- but the darkness is so dark, and the pain is so painful. But I accept whatever He gives and I give whatever He takes.

+ Mother Teresa in a letter to Bishop Picachy, September 1962

Have I Hit My Reset?

Brothers:

Thank you again for a wonderful discussion. I have been thinking more and more about my "Reset Point." What does it take for me to get out of the cycle of addictive behavior once I have gotten into the cycle?

I had mentioned that my cycles of acting out typically end when I break down and confess to my wife. Does this mean that I am incapable of returning to sobriety without her? Does this mean that I am pursuing sobriety for her sake more than for my own?

I have done some more thinking on these questions. I think that sometimes the answer to both questions is "yes." Yes, I need her to restart me on the path of sobriety and yes I sometimes pursue sobriety for her approval. But I don't think this is always the case.

More and more, especially as we continue our work together, I am motivated to see sobriety because being sober is part of who I want to be. And yet my reset from acting out still includes disclosure to my spouse. But I think the difference is that I disclose because part of me vision of being free from addiction is being open and honest with my partner. If I have acted out and I have not disclosed, then I am not free from addiction. So I don't disclose because it is the only way of stopping the cycle, rather I disclose as a result of having stopped a current cycle.

If I am to be free of addiction, I will need to continue to disclose to my wife when I have slipped. Not because I need her to break free from the addiction, but because part of being her husband is being open and vulnerable with her.

Adventures With Braxton: Day 26

It has been an up and down couple of days for Braxton.

Yesterday things were improving as his white cell counts and neutrafil levels climbed while his fever receded. Today the course has reversed. White cell counts and neutrafil levels are still ok, but his fever has returned.

Last night Braxton got to cheer on as Kansas rallied from a 9 point deficit with two minutes remaining in the game to win the National Championship in overtime. Today Braxton has been diagnosed as having an infection that will force him to be isolated from other patients. He will have his own room at the hospital, which is good, but his movement on the floor will be restricted.

Yesterday we were hopeful that Braxton would be returning home soon. Today we seem to be back where we were on Friday as, even with the infection diagnosed, the return of a fever is somewhat of a mystery. It now looks as if Braxton will have to remain in the hospital at least through Thursday.

Pray for Braxton. Pray that he may not become depressed due to extra time in the hospital. Pray that he will find new interests to keep him engaged with life. Pray for healing.


+ To learn more about Braxton's journey to cancer recovery, go to: http://adventureswithbraxton.blogspot.com/

Adventures With Braxton: Day 24

Braxton had to go back to the hospital.

He started running a fever on Friday and testing showed that his white blood cell and neutrafil (sp?) counts were down. Both levels are supposed to be at about 1,000 and both were well below 100. So back to the hospital for our young Braxton.

Today is Sunday. Braxton's white blood cell count has rebounded to 900, but his neutrafil count is still very low. He is also still running a fever. So we don't know when he'll be able to come home.

Beth has been staying with him since Friday and I am taking tonight's shift. Braxton has mouth sores in addition to the fever and infection, so he is a very quiet boy. We're just two lonely guys watching tv and giving an occasional grunt.

Male bonding at its best!


+ P.S. - D-Monk is showing his solidarity with Braxton with a newly shaved head.


+ To learn more about Braxton's journey to cancer recovery, go to: http://adventureswithbraxton.blogspot.com/

Note to Blueshirts

Good Morning, Brothers:

I acted out yesterday by viewing pornography on the internet while at my office.

Triggers: I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with projects, was coming down off the adrenaline high of having given a presentation and encountered pictures of some attractive women while doing regular internet browsing. I acknowledge these triggers in hopes of being able to make better choices next time they come up.


Today:

Feelings: This morning I am feeling shame and regret, but am also feeling hopeful and grateful. Despite acting out yesterday, I still feel connected with people around me and don't feel like I have withdrawn into isolation. By confessing the slip now, my hope is to avoid repeating it today. Please pray for me.

Issues: I am very busy at work. There are more projects on my plate than I can handle. But I had a conversation with my boss yesterday and got some feedback on how to prioritize the work.

Needs: I need to start exercising again. I need to eat better and take better care of my temple of Christ.


Take care, Brothers! We're all in this together!

Adventures With Braxton: Day 20

Braxton is still at home between rounds of chemo treatment. Today he is with his Dad who is home from work on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. This is great because that means that Braxton is not so isolated on those days. Bayley & Zoe also stay with their Dad on these days, but of course they are in school during the day time.

Braxton had his spinal tap yesterday and it seemed to go well. But last night he called his Mom and complained about discomfort in his back. He was in some pain. He made a call to one of his treating physicians at the hospital and they decided it was probably a muscle strain caused by the tension of keeping still for the spinal tap.

So Braxton made a call home for Vicadin. That took away the pain and when he woke up this morning, all was better.

Today was the first day for his new, long lasting, very expensive medication, Nuelasta. He will get this medication via injection once a month. A visiting nurse came out today and we thought that she would give Braxton the injection, but she wanted Beth to learn how to do it. Braxton said, "I don't know about that!"

Beth and the nurse talked to Braxton for a while to get him calmed down, gave him his i-pod to listen to, and Beth stuck him before he knew it. Apparently it didn't hurt.

So Braxton is back with his Dad tonight along with Bayley and Zoe.

Still no major issues from his treatment and we're all very grateful for that.


+ To learn more about Braxton's journey to cancer recovery, go to: http://adventureswithbraxton.blogspot.com/

Note to Blueshirts

Good morning, Blueshirts:

It has been some time since my last check-in. I am finding that this new life (having a family member with cancer) requires a great balancing act. As an addict, I have been pretty good at balancing the "double life" in my past. But this is an altogether new experience.

I have multiple roles to play now and I am not good at multi-tasking. I have to balance work life with the needs of the family during Braxton's on-and-off treatment schedule. I have to balance being a father, step-father, husband, worker, and recovering addict. I feel stretched thin and haven't been able to focus much on recovery.

Life now is returning to some semblance of "normal." As a family we are becoming accustomed to new roles and new schedules. It is amazing what the human mind can adjust to over time. And we have had lots and lots of support for which I am very very grateful.

As an addict, I have been out wandering along the slippery slope. I have acted out numerous times over the past couple of weeks. Most recently I acted out on Sunday when I found myself unexpectedly at home alone. How quickly I ran to the computer to immerse myself in that comfortable (albeit destructive) world of pornography.

Hopefully that time has now past. In the last few days I have found some balance and have been able to return to some of the tools of recovery. I am taking time out to pray during the day and starting to make phone calls again. And today I am writing this check in.

Please pray for Braxton, for our family, and for me. Pray that I may surrender to Christ during hard times rather than surrendering to my addict.

Let's step up again and hold one another accountable -- in good times and in bad. We can help usher in the Kingdom of God even in these desolate landscapes.

Thank you, Brothers!

Adventures with Braxton - Day 19

Another day at home for Braxton. Another day of feeling pretty normal.

Braxton spent most of yesterday playing video games with his good friend Brendon who is on Spring Break. The two enjoyed being normal (whatever that means) twelve and thirteen year-old boys doing normal boy things. It was nice to have an extra friend in the house and nice that Braxton has had another day without being too sick.

Today Braxton went to the hospital for a spinal-tap. He was not put under for this one, but just had some local anesthesia. Braxton said it went fine and that it didn't hurt.

Braxton is also supposed to receive a shot in the next day or two. The shot is an injection of GCSF, a medication that is supposed to help control his white cell count between chemo treatments. The good news is that they have developed a new type of injection so that Braxton only has to have a shot once a month instead of daily. The bad news is that each injection is very expensive ($3,000) and it is hard to get hold of, even if insurance is paying for it.

We are lucky to have very good insurance coverage, but we are still awaiting delivery of the medication Braxton needs.

But the bottom line remains that Braxton is doing well, he has not yet gotten sick, and we are grateful for that!


+ To learn more about Braxton's journey to cancer recovery, go to: http://adventureswithbraxton.blogspot.com/