The Cost of Addiction

Everything in life has a cost. Some costs are expected, some unexpected. Some we are willing to pay, others we resent.

The same is true for addiction. There are costs. There's the price we expect to pay and the price we actually pay. There's a price that may seem acceptable and a price we feel is unfair.



The addict knows of a man who had several affairs. He eventually confessed the affairs to his wife. He fully expected that she would leave him. That was the cost he expected.

She did not leave him. She stood by him and helped him find resources to heal the wounds that had lead to the affairs. He did not have to pay the price he expected.

But he and his wife live in a small town and rumors of the affairs started to spread. The rumors grew and eventually this man was thought to have a child out of wedlock. The rumors and loss of reputation were an unexpected price. He did not want to pay this price. He resented the price and grew angry!

He complained constantly about the rumors and discussed his rage for those spreading the rumors. "They have no right to say those things about me!"

But if he had been told at the beginning that his behavior was going to come with a cost and he had a choice as to what that cost would be, wouldn't he choose the rumors and loss of reputation over the loss of his marriage? Maybe unexpected costs which defray what we truly deserve are ok.

Addiction has costs and this addict, too, is face with the consequences of his actions. Acting out costs the addict in lost productivity at work. The addict lies at home to cover up his behavior. There is a loss of trust. The addict's wife has not left him. She has not ostracized or shamed him. She has stood by him.

Still, addiction has costs. And maybe the highest cost is the delusion that the addict is in control. And what good has the addict given up while wasting time in the pursuit of the empty? If the addict doesn't get about the business of recovery, he may never know.

Go to Any Length?

"Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want to have what we have and are willing to go TO ANY LENGTH to get it--then you are ready to take certain steps."

AA Big Book, 4th ed., "How it Works," 58.


ANOTHER QUESTION looms large before the addict: Are you willing to go to any length for recovery?

This is one of the several questions that the addict wakes to each morning:

Do you want to be healed?
What are you thirsty for?
Are you willing to go to any length to get it?



The addict's sponsor shared the following story with the addict:

A man seeking recovery met with his sponsor who asked him, "Are you willing to go to any length for recovery?"

The man replied, "Yes."

So the sponsor said to him, "Shave your beard!"

The man replied, "I don't understand. What does shaving my beard have to do with recovery? I don't remember anything in the Big Book about shaving beards."

The sponsor answered, "I thought you were willing to go to any length for recovery. If you are unwilling to shave your beard, how can I expect you to follow other directions I give down the road?"

One week later the man shaved his beard.


Addict: Do you want to be healed? Are you willing to go to any length? Are you ready to surrender?


The following story comes from the ninth chapter of the Gospel of Mark:

*********************************************


As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. "Good teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?"

"Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good--except God alone. You know the commandments: 'You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, you shall not defraud, honor your father and mother.'"

"Teacher," he declared, "all these I have kept since I was a boy."

Jesus looked at him and loved him. "One thing you lack," he said. "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

At this the man's face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.

*********************************************

Why would Jesus press this man so hard? The man was seeking truth and tried to fulfill the commandments. Yet, loving the man, Jesus pointed out one thing he lacked. And the man was sad.

The addict lacks one thing: the willingness to surrender. The addict holds on to his own abilities as the right solution. The addict questions everything and decides for himself whether it is right before taking advice. But if the addict is ready to go to any length, he should be ready to surrender.

Peace, addict! Surrender to those who have traveled this road before you. Realize that only in surrender will you be able to measure the truth of their advice. Surrender!

The addict is a long way from surrender. The addict fights surrender, fights letting go, fights acknowledgment of weakness. The addict fights every day, and so he stumbles, marching along as a slave to his addiction.

Addict, surrender to the healthy! Go no farther down this road of self-destruction! You can be free! Just surrender!

Do you want to be healed?

What are you thirsty for?

Are you willing to go to any length?

Are you ready to surrender?

Surrender, addict! Surrender and find peace!

Merry-Go-Round

Is it truly a yo-yo? Or more like a marry-go-round? The addict finds himself facing the same battles over and over. Making the same mistakes again and again. Coming full-circle like a boy on a merry-go-round.

Today the addict feels sad, anxious, lonely, and depressed. The addict doesn't want to be with others, but he's lonely by himself. There seems to be no sunshine in the addict's life.

After a long and lonely morning walk with the dogs, the addict realized that he has been here before. Just a month or so ago the addict slipped into one of these moody depressions. It turned out the addict had not refilled his anti-depressant meds and had been flying solo for about two week.

This morning the addict realized once again that he has not refilled his medications and has been flying solo for about two weeks.

Sad
Anxious
Depressed
Lonely

Been here before.

Sad
Anxious
Depressed
Lonely

Here I am again.



Life goes in circles for the addict. And then he finds frustration in his circumstances. And then he questions what is real.

"Who am I?" says the addict.

"Am I the serene and balanced self that I experience when I am taking my meds?"

"Or am I truly the despairing, lonely, and anxious self that I experience without meds?"

Which is real? Both? Neither? Which one matters in this pilgrimage through life, addiction, and recovery?

The addict doesn't know.
He just shrugs his shoulders and walks on.
He just walks on.
Walks on.
In a circle.

Yo-yo.
Rollercoaster.
Merry-go-round.

YO-YO

"I am the Yo-Yo," says the Addict.

Yes ... life has ups and downs, and so does addiction. The Addict looks for a life where that is not the case, but it seems inescapeable.

The past few weeks have continued to be a yo-yo for the addict:

Struggles with acting out.
Mystical insights.
New resolve.
Victory.
Acting out again.
Despair.
New resolve.
New inspiration.

Up and down goes the addict.

Yo-yo.



The yo-yo can also be a symbol for the addict's tools for coping: addiction and isolation.

Y.O.Y.O.

Your On Your Own.

That's the addict. He's on his own. Why? Because his core beliefs tell him that this must be so.

The addict struggles with the following core beliefs about himself:

1. The addict is a bad and worthless person.
2. Anyone who learns the truth about the addict will reject and abandon the addict.
3. No one else will take care of the addict's needs.

YOYO.

Is it any wonder the addict feels alone most of the time. The addict cannot believe that any other option exists. He is worthless, all others will abondon him, and only he can care for himself.

YOYO.

If there is to be any hope for the addict, he must toss away his yo-yo. He must adopt new beliefs about himself and about the people around him. He must be willing to accept help from others and he must be willing to take the risk to open himself up to others. Yes ... healing for the addict must come from facing his deepest fear: he must reveal the truth about himself even though he believes that anyone who knows the truth about him will reject him.

Oh, addict ... How can you face such dangers?
Oh, addict ... How can you continue as a yo-yo?
Oh, addict ... What will you do?

Book Review by an Addict

This is the first book of a wonderful trilogy set in a world very similar to Tolkien's "Lord of the Ring" trilogy. But Donaldson's choice of hero offers a twist which makes this trilogy, to me, a deeper and more personal read.

Stephen R. Donaldson's hero, Thomas Covenant, is a person from our world -- only he happens to be a man recently afflicted with leprosy. As a leper, he has quickly learned the consequences of being outcast from society. And as a leper, he has learned that he cannot rely on his physical feelings to wanrn him against dangers to his health. He must constantly make visual checks of his body to assure his health and he must live out this struggle in absolute isolation.

When he is plunged into an alternate world, he finds that his leprosy is healed and that he is no longer an outcast, but an apparent hero and redeemer. The narrative traces his struggle with whether to accept this alternate reality or to ignore it as simply a dream. He constantly struggles to maintain his identity as a leper, fearing that he will lose the survival skills he so desperately needs in our world. And he fears the hope that this alternate reality/dream offers his body. Such hope, he believes, could be deadly to a lepper.

This story rings true in the heart of an addict. For the addict, like the leper, lives a life of isolation and despair. The addict cannot rely on his feelings to tell him what is true. And when the addict first enters the world of recovery, where other addicts reach out and support him, he is often stuck in a conflict between what he has always known as real and the new vision of healing presented to him as real. The addict struggles with whether it is too risky to give up his old ways of survival. Does buying in to recovery doom the survival of the addict, or can the addict really be healed?

A major thumbs-up for Thomas Covenant, the unbelieving hero of Lord Foul's Bane. He stumbles in the footsteps of addicts everywhere.

"And he who wields white wild magic gold
is a paradox---
for he is everything and nothing,
hero and fool,
potent, helpless---
and with the one word of truth or treachery,
he will save or damn the Earth
because he is mad and sane,
cold and passionate,
lost and found."

***************************

"No, consider further, Covenant. What value has power at all if it is not power over death? If you place hope on anything less, then your hope may mislead you."

"So?"

"But the power over death is a delusion. There cannot be life without death."

Covenant recognized that this was a fact. But he had not expected such an argument from the Giant. "All right. So you're right. Tell me, just where the hell do you get hope?"

Slowly, the Giant rose to his feet. He towered over Covenant until his head nearly touched the ceiling. "From faith."

I-O-G-D

I O G D

Yes, the addict has been walking in a maze of confusion. Yes, the addict has stumbled and lost his sense of direction. Yes, the addict has cried out for one rule that would lead him out of confusion.

Perhaps there is such a rule.

In the words of Mike Knott (a musician with the band LSU):

"One thing I've learned through my wrong ways, one thing I've found in my day ... Christ saves."



Sobriety cannot be the single-point focus of each new day. Such a focus will lead to failure. "Stop thinking about red dragons!" If that is your goal, you will undaoubtedly think about red dragons. When the addict starts each day focused on stopping his addiction, he focuses on a negative, stumbles, and acts out.

But the answer may have been there all along.

The addict went to school at Saint John's University, a Benedictine college in rural Minnesota. Prominently displayed on one of the school's central buildings are the letters I O G D. This is short for "in omnibus glorificetur Deus" -- "that in all things God may be glorified."



Benedictines live a community life where the central goal is that all is done for the glory of God. No matter how mundane or how difficult, all acts are committed to bringing God glory.

A similar phrase is seen on the musical scores of Johann Sebastian Bach. Each composition of Bach's had the letter S D scrolled at the top. S D: "solus Deus" -- "for the glory of God alone." Bach acknowledged that all of his work was dedicated to God's glory.

Perhaps here is where the addict can find that single rule which can help him crawl out of the pit of addiction. Rather than focusing on sobriety, submit the goal of sobriety to the greater goal of bringing glory to God. Start each day with the focus on how to honor God and bring God glory in that day. Nobody is asking the addict about red dragons anymore. Instead, for each act of the new day, the addict dedicates his actions to bringing God glory. A truer and healthier focus is afoot.

So there it is, addict. Stop looking into the pit and turn your gaze upwards to the one who has the power to save you. Offer this power all of your activities. Offer your activities as a way to give glory to this higher power.

IOGD!

Go, addict, go!

April 24, 2006

The addict has been walking in confusion. What's first in my life? Recovery from addiction? Love for my wife? Surrendering to God? Success at work? Loyalty to friends?



More and more the addict has been seeking the one thing that could put all the other things into line. Just find one thing to work on and everything else will fall into place. But that one thing, if there is one, is elusive.

Instead, the addict spends most days either obsessed with recovery (and finding greater and greater temptation to give in to his addictive behavior), or ignoring recovery altogether (and stumbling, feeling shame and guilt, and losing the battle).

Recovery can't be everything, can it? There's so much else to fight for here. How am I treating others? How am I treating myself? Do I love God? Don't these questions have to come ahead of recovery?

The addict has no answers. But the addict is grateful. The addict is grateful to his brothers who pledge their support and provide guidance. The addict is grateful for work he enjoys. The addict is grateful for a place where he can express his thoughts and fears. But most of all, the addict is grateful for TBO (The Beautiful One). She is his life-partner, his soul-mate, his muse, his comforter. With her, life is beautiful and grand. Without her, life is empty and cold.



No, recovery cannot be for her. The addict must want healing for himself. But the Beautiful One brings joy to the life of the addict.

"Thank you, Beautiful One, for all the ways you support me, love me, and bring me joy!"

Yes, the addict is lost. But the addict is twice found: saved by Christ and comforted by the Beautiful One.

What Are You Thirsty For?

And today, another question:

What Are You Thirsty For?



C.S. Lewis offers the following observation about our deepest desire:

"I call it Joy, which is here a technical term and must be sharply distinguished from both Happiness and from Pleasure. Joy (in my sense) has indeed one characteristic, and one only, in common with them; the fact that anyone who has experienced it will want it again. ... I doubt whether anyone who has tasted it would ever, if both were in his power, exchange it for all the pleasures in the world. BUT THEN JOY IS NEVER IN OUR POWER AND PLEASURE OFTEN IS."

--C.S. Lewis, "Surprised by Joy," p.18.

Here, then, is the addict's dilemma: Do I seek that which brings me Joy/Healing, but which I cannot possess or control, or do I seek the continual short-term solution of my addiction which, seemingly, I can possess or control?



This dilemma is also illustrated in the Gospel of John:

In the fourth chapter of John's gospel, Jesus is traveling through Samaria (a region reviled by Jews) and stops to rest at a well. It is the middle of the day, the sun is hot, and no respectable person would come to the well at this time of day. So it is that a woman who has had five husbands and who is living with a man to whom she is not married comes to the well. She comes in the heat of the day so that she will not be seen.

Jesus, upon seeing her, asks for a drink. She responds that she is a Samaritan and that a Jew would not ask a Samaritan for a drink.

Jesus then states: "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water."

Jesus offers the Samaritan an alternative to her sinful and addictive ways: drink the living water.

What does this mean?

Addicts return to their addiction time and time again because of a thirst, a yearning for healing. Addicts continue to go to the same well, the well of addiction, for short-term relief that will not, ultimately, bring them healing. Jesus (or the addict's "Higher Power") offers living water--a source of healing that will last.

But will the addict accept living water (which he cannot control or possess) and stop going back to the well of addiction.

Well, addict, what are you thirsty for?

Do You Want to Be Healed?

A hard question faces every addict. The question seems simple, but it is really as challenging a question as an addict will ever face. And it is illustrated in the Gospel of John.

In the fifth chapter of John's gospel, Jesus comes to a pool which is said to have healing waters. The sick and the lame come from all around to be healed at this pool. When the waters of the pool are stirred, the first person to enter the waters becomes healed.

Jesus walks up to a lame man who has been sitting by this pool for many years and asks him a question. When you think about it, it is a very strange question. And yet it is the same question that every addict must answer if he is to walk the path of recovery.

Jesus asked the invalid, "Do you want to be healed?"



DO YOU WANT TO BE HEALED?

The addict has asked himself this question many times. Sure, on the surface, the answer seems obvious. But does the addict really want to be healed? If pressed for an honest answer, the addict would probably say, "I would like to be relieved of the harm my addiction causes and the unmanageability it brings into my life, but I don't want to give up [enter drug of choice here]."

By and large, addicts don't want to be healed. The road that led to addiction is usually paved with painful experiences. And in the beginning, the addictive drug or behavior was a way to soothe and alleviate pain. Only later did the addictive drug or behavior become a problem of its own.

To overcome addiction, the addict has to want to be healed. The addict has to want a life that confronts pain rather than avoiding it with addiction. This is not an easy thing to choose. Especially when the addict believes he is a bad and worthless person, that no one who knows the truth about him will love him, and that only his addiction can take care of his needs.

Today the addict is struggling again with this fundamental question. Time and again the addict has said, "Yes, I want to be healed." But time and again the addict has returned to his addiction when pain walked into the room.

The choice is yours, addict. Do you want to be healed?

Pacing the Cage

It is a troubled addict who checks in today. A troubled addict and a trapped addict. Sometimes it just feels like the walls are closing in. Less and less room to maneuver. And the walls close in. Close in. Close in.

As Smashng Pumpkins would say:

"Despite all my rage, I'm still just a rat in a cage."



A caged rat. And the addict paces back and forth. Looking at the walls of the cage. Back and forth the addict paces. Is there a way out?



PACING THE CAGE

I've proven who I am so many times
The magnetic strip's worn thin
And each time I was someone else
And every one was taken in
Powers chatter in high places
Stir up eddies in the dust of rage
Set me to pacing the cage

I never knew what you all wanted
So I gave you everything
All that I could pillage
All the spells that I could sing
It's as if the thing were written
In the constitution of the age
Sooner or later you'll wind up
Pacing the cage

Sometimes the best map will not guide you
You can't see what's round the bend
Sometimes the road leads through dark places
Sometimes the darkness is your friend
Today these eyes scan bleached-out land
For the coming of the outbound stage
Pacing the cage
Pacing the cage

---Bruce Cockburn, "Pacing the Cage" (Charity of Night, 1996).


The addict came home from a family outing on Saturday. While the outing was good, the addict needed some space, a chance to sit down and catch his thoughts. But on this occasion, there was no such space. The addict tried the front porch -- already in use by the addict's oldest stepchild. The addict tried his bedroom -- stepchild 2 had taken residence to watch some television. Suddenly the addict's family (including six children -- three step and three bilogical) seemed very big and the addict's home seemed very small. No room for a reflecting and recovering addict!

The addict turned to one last outlet; he threw himself into a project. Less than two minutes into the project he was offered unsolicited help by the "BBB" (his Beautiful and Bewitching Beloved). Unsolicited help was more than the addict could stand on this beautiful family-oriented weekend. And so the addict did what the addict does best--throw up walls and seek isolation. The addict grabbed a book, got in the car, and left the house. All without saying a word to anyone.


Goodbye cruel world,
I'm leaving you today.
Goodbye,
Goodbye,
Goodbye.
Goodbye, all you people,
There's nothing you can say
To make me change my mind.
Goodbye.

--Pink Floyd, "Goodbye Cruel World" (The Wall)


And now the addict feeles like the walls are closing in. The addict is trapped in silence and isolation with no one to reach out to. The addict is trapped in a cage of his own making. And now the addict paces. Pace. Pace. Pace.


Stop!
I wanna go home
Take off this uniform
And leave the show.
But I'm waiting in this cell
Because I have to know.
Have I been guilty all this time?

--Pink Floyd, "Stop" (The Wall)


The evidence before the court is
Incontrivertable, there's no need for
The jury to retire.

In all my years of judging
I have never heard before
Of someone more deserving
Of the full penalty of law.

Since, my friend, you have revealed your
Deepest fear,
I sentence you to be exposed before
Your peers.

Tear down the WALL!

---Pink Floyd, "Trial" (The Wall)


How can the addict escape the cage? Must an addict pace forever? Is the only way out through total isolation? Can an addict have a family? Does the addict really have to tear down the walls?

Direction, Time, and Balance

It is April in Minnesota. Clocks have been moved one-hour forward, the sun is out, and it is all of 38 degrees. Yet on this clear, spring day, the addict has lost his sense of direction.



The road to recovery seems to lead nowhere to the addict. If recovery is the only goal, then life has little meaning. The addict has been told time and again that recovery must be his number one priority. Perhaps his only priority.

How difficult life becomes, then, when the addict slips. If recovery is all there is, then the addict will feel even greater shame upon failure to stay clean and sober. And if recovery is all there is, sobriety seems empty.

The addict knows that sobriety is only one goal among many. In his heart, the addict knows that life, family, work, and relationships all hold greater ultimate importance than sobriety. Yet all of these will suffer if the addict does not work for recovery. Still, recovery cannot be the only goal.

Addiction is a symptom--a symptom of a larger woundedness. Sobriety without healing of the woundedness will not last. Sobriety alone won't heal the addict and won't give the addict the direction and meaning he is looking for.



Still, the addict feels somewhat incapable of focusing on more than one goal at a time--especially when the goal is one which requires such a strong committment and such devotion from the addict. Is there time for the addict to focus on other goals? Recovery already takes two meetings a week, several daily phone calls, blogging, and prayer. With work and family committments, how much more time is there? Does the addict have time for personal hobbies, friendships, chores, and personal projects? Time never seems to be abundant.



Yet there must be balance. Life cannot be about recovery alone. Life must be about family, friends, work, and fun! Life must include time dedicated to the creator and giver of life! Life must include walks with a lover, laughs with a friend, hugs with children!

Oh, addict! Can you make room for all of these things? Would you have recovery and not have the others? Can you have the others and not have recovery?

The addict is a wounded soul. The addict is ill-equipeed to deal with Life's demands. Can the addict find direction, time, and balance?

Go, addict, go!

I Believe, Help Me in my Unbelief!

The problem with one stumble is that it so often leads to two, and then three, and so on. For the alcoholic, this means that one drink is unacceptable. For the addict, this means that one episode of acting out carries the risk of undermining everything he has worked for.

The addict stumbled this week. He got up, brushed himself off, and started again down the road of sobriety. But then just two days later, another stumble.

And so this week finds the addict locked in struggle. He has learned so much in recovery and made many connections. And yet the addict feels as weak as ever.

In the words of the apostle Paul: He does that which he doesn't want to do, and that which he wants to do he doesn't do. Anyone who questions that sin leads to slavery should talk with an addict. The addict knows the ins and outs of being a slave.

Today the addict cries for help. Please, let the addict break free from the shackles of his addiction. The addict surrenders to his higher power, to that power which can set him free.

Says the addict to his Higher Power: "I believe, help me in my unbelief!"

One stumble, and the addict has slipped. Two stumbles and the addict becomes afraid. Can shame and guilt be far behind?

Help! If anyone out there sees the addict, please reach out and help him to his feet. He may resist you, he may not thank you, but he needs you.

H-A-L-T!

H*A*L*T!

Have you heard this acronym before? HALT! The addict has heard it and has run into it again.

Hungry-Angry-Lonely-Tired

These are the times that an addict is most vulnerable to acting out. The addict last acted out on March 1st when experiencing great hunger during an Ash Wednesday fast. Now, after 27 days of sobriety, the addict acted out again. This time the addict was tired.

It was a long Monday in the office and the addict was feeling less than rested. The eyes were heavy and concentration waned. The addict went to Stumble Upon, which has been a healthy outlet for the addict in recent weeks. But not so on this day. The addict distracted himself from his work and soon went down the path of his addiction.



HALT, addict! Step away! Make a phone call! Take a walk!

These are all things the addict could have and should have done. Think the drink through! What are the consequences of one drink--or one step down the road to acting out? The addict needs to take these issues seriously.

Perhaps the addict's guard was down after a stretch of sobriety. Perhaps the addict didn't feel the need to be "working the steps." Whatever the reason, the addict stumbled.

But the addict has not fallen. Perfection is not the goal, rather progress. And the addict is ready to surrender again to the steps and the process.

Go, addict, go!

Go, Addict, Go!

Today the addict celebrates unexpected victory! Yes, the addict has now been sober for 23 days, but that is not the victory. Last evening in Minneapolis the addict was crowned the Champion for the Metro Division of the Toastmaster's International Speech Contest!!

What a strange and unexpected experience for an addict. The addict joined Toastmasters less than a year ago in hopes of reducing fear and anxiety of speaking in public. The addict has a terribly hard time believing that people actually enjoyed his speech. This does not accord with the addict's world view: "I am a worthless person. No one will love me if they truly get to know me. I must take care of my own needs. etc."

So today the addict celebrates and wonders. How can this be? When will they discover the truth about me and revoke the title? Was it all just a dream?

Whatever happened, the addict feels affirmed. The addict is happy. For a moment. And grateful for that moment of happiness.

Go, addict, go!

March 22, 2006

Yesterday the addict went to the dentist. It was the first such visit in over five years. And what did the addict get for his efforts? An hour of pain and an invitation to return in the near future and pay more money for some exploratory drilling!

But as the addict sat in "the chair," he couldn't help thinking about this whole body thing. So much of the time the addict tries to understand himself through thoughts, values, beliefs, and committments. And here the body comes and intrudes on the addict's self-understanding with a gratuitous round of pain.

The addict knows that recovery lies in surrendering to a Higher Power and in forging closer relationships with other humans. The 12-steps equip the addict with a process of self-evaluation and self-improvement through honesty and accountability. But what about pain? What about an hour spent in the dentist's chair, or a day at home sick in bed, or serious physical injuries?

The truth is that the addict encounters the world through his body. The body cannot be denied. And addiction is often used to mask physical pain as well as other wounds. But escaping the body is not the way out of addiction. Alas, pain must be part of life. The question is, what will the addict do with the pain? Deny it? Embrace it? Medicate it?

No. The addict must simply recognize it for what it is. Pain is a necessary consequence of the gift of life, a body, and the senses to encounter the world around him.

March 21, 2006

This week the addict is unsettled. Life is presenting mixed signals and the addict is ill-equipped to deal with such ambiguity.

The addict is celebrating a small (but significant for this addict) stretch of sobriety. The addict has been sober since March 1st.

But at the same time the addict feels lost in detachment. The addict has become estranged from those he loves most. Is this the cost of sobriety?

Addiction is used to heal pain and to cope with stress. Detachment is used to heal pain and cope with stress. There must be another choice; there must be another way. But can the addict find it?

For now, the addict chooses sobriety, even if detachment is the cost.

4th Step Reflections

As a Christian, I am guided each day by the Lord's Prayer which includes a call to forgiveness:

"Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us"

These words, attributed to Christ, indicate that our ability to be forgiven is conditioned in some mysterious way on our ability to forgive. Forgiveness may be one of the most difficult practices a Christian is called to perform.

The addict is guided by the 12-steps. These steps are a guide to taking personal responsibility for past and present actions and to surrendering what we cannot control to a "Higher Power." I have been somewhat surprised that there is no call within the 12-steps for forgiveness.

Recently, I have been engaged in the 4th step:

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

Strangely enough, as I have gone through this step I have found a connection to forgiveness.

One suggested method for performing a 4th step inventory is to make a list of all persons we resent. Then we make a list of the reasons for the resentment--what has the person done that makes me angry? After this we list how each of these resentments affects ourselves (i.e., self-esteem, bitterness, etc.). Finally we list how we ourselves have contributed to the resentment (i.e., we started the argument, we felt entitled, etc.). In the end, a fourth step forces us to look at how we really contribute to our own sadness and anger. We must identify the underlying causes of resentments.

Well, each of these steps would apply to forgiveness as well. I can't forgive someone unless I truly understand how they have hurt me and what role I played in contributing to the hurt. I can't forgive someone without acknowledging the fullness of how they have harmed me, but I also can't forgive someone if I am balming them for something that was truly my own fault. Forgiveness takes honesty. The 4th step can supply honesty.

I leave today's journal entry with the following quote from Philip Yancey on his understanding of forgiveness. Where Yancey refers to God, the addict may substitute "Higher Power":

"At last I understood: in the final analysis, forgiveness is an act of faith. By forgiving another, I am trusting that God is a better justice-maker than I am. By forgiving, I release my own right to get even and leave all issues of fairness for God to work out. I leave in God's hands the scales that must balance justice and mercy."

Rufus (March 15, 2006)

The addict's family has taken in a Redboned Coonhound that had been abandoned in Indiana. Rufus will stay at the addict's home at least until Saturday and maybe permanently.

Rufus' original owners abandoned him in a house in Indiana with no food or water. He was left alone and defenseless. Rufus is skinnier than any dog the addict has seen before. Every rib is fully visible. Rufus is timid and afraid, but eager to receive love and affection.

How much is Rufus like the addict? A wounded nature craving love and affection. A wounded nature that has turned to a substitute to try to heal the pain. And yet nothing will heal the pain but to be honest about its causes and to seek love from a source that can truly give love.

In just one day Rufus has made great strides. Having received love and positive attention, as well as food, water and some walks, Rufus is happy and playful. His wounds will heal as he receives consistent love.

Take care of your addict. Give your addict the love it needs. Be honest and be gentle with your addict. With time and care, your addict can be healed.

The Walking Cyclist (March 13)

Monday morning and a winter snow-storm in Minnesota. The addict was up at 6:30am shoveling. After clearing the driveway and uncovering the car, he returned to the house to shower and dress for an important office presentation.

The addict left his car in the garage, opting instead to take the 4-wheel drive Suburban in the deep and fastly accumulating snow. The addict knows you should always use the right tool for the job.

On the road, visibility and traction are both poor and the addict questions the wisdom of trekking to work on such a day. Along the way, the addict passes several cars stuck trying to get out of driveways. The addict also passes a small car stuck at an intersection with wheels spinning as it tries to climb a slight incline. Then the addict passes a car that has plowed into a tree. Obviously the driver was not adjusting for the conditions. The addict knows better.

Finally, as the addict is crawling along Central Avenue with two lines of bumper-to-bumper traffic, the addict sees a person pushing his bike through the snow. "Surely," the addict thinks to himself, "this is the biggest fool of the day." This thought stays in his mind only until the walking cyclist passes the addict.


The Walking Cyclist.

It may be true that the Cyclist had not chosen the best tool for commuting that day. But he was making progress. He kept moving forward.

How often as addicts do we shirk the responsibility of moving forward because we don't have what we feel are the "right" tools? The addict has been stuck on the Fourth Step for a significant amount of time, waiting to get it "just right." Perhaps the addict would be better served to just attack the Fourth Step with what little self-awareness he has. In fact, maybe that's the point of the Fourth Step. Just keep moving. Keep moving forward; keep making progress.

Thank you, Walking Cyclist! You have helped this addict move forward!

March 10, 2006

Friday morning on a warm (33 degrees) and gray day in Minneapolis. The addict sits at his desk and boots his computer. Outlook gets opened first to check on the day's requirements. But then it's straight to SU.

The addict wonders, "Am I replacing one addiction with another?" The addict finds it easy to spend time on SU and easy to avoid work. The addict finds a semblance of connection and receives occasional affirmations from other stumblers. The addict CRAVES affirmation.

But again, SU is a work distraction. Is it a replacement of one addictive behavior with another? Does it matter? After all, this behavior is much healthier.

Ahhh, so many questions. What's an addict to do?

March 7, 2006

Today the addict wakes up rested. A good night of sleep and time with other addicts in group puts things back in perspective. I am not my addict. I do not need my drug of choice. With help from others, I can move forward.

I know another addict, however, who is in deep hurt. His wife kicked him out of the house several months ago and he is lonely. In his state of vulnerability he agreed to lend money to a stranger (a woman) and was sure that he would be repaid this week. The truth, of course, is that he was "scammed" and he won't be paid back at all. So now he has financial woes to add to his plate, a plate already full of loneliness and shame.

Pray for the addict. Pray for all of us addicts.

Amen.

March 6, 2006

Didn't sleep last night. Anxiety attack. This reminds me that I haven't renewed my meds yet and, in fact, haven't taken my meds for two weeks. Hmmm ...

The addict has so many hurdles to stumble past. Failure to take care of oneself physically can leave the addict exposed to extra vulnerability. Sure, you're supposed to make recovery your number one priority, but recovery cannot be effective without attention to mental health, physical health, positive social contact, good time management, etc. Pretty soon, making recovery your first priority really means making everything your first priority. And now you wonder, "Do I really have any priorities at all?"

At times like this, awake in the night with the realization that he hasn't taken good care of his basic needs, all the addict can do (because addicts don't want to wake anybody up) is whisper for help.

"Help."

March 3, 2006

As a Catholic, Lent began this week with Ash Wednesday, a day of fasting. I fasted for most of the day, not eating until 9:00pm. But, as an addict, I found the fast a source of vulnerability to my addiction. The fast, which was meant to bring to me a clean mind and clean heart, also opened me up to triggers and acting out. And, in fact, I did act out.

Today I came across the scripture passage Isaiah 58:5-7 (posted below) and have been reminded that more than fasting, God wants a loving heart.

As I work on addiction and recovery, I hope I can do so with openness and a loving heart. I hope to trade in self-centered thinking for a focus on the needs of others. Perhaps, in this way, I, too, may be healed.

The Seven Desires of the Heart

As part of my recovery, I have been introduced to "The Seven Desires of the Heart"--desires we each have as persons that may or may not be met.

The Seven Desires are as follows:

1. To Be Heard.

We each desire to have our thoughts and feelings heard and understood by others.


2. To Be Affirmed.

We each desire to be told we have done well and to be affirmed on our positive qualities.


3. To Be Blessed.

We each desire to receive blessing--especially from a parent or life partner. To be blessed is to be told that we are loved no matter what we do or have done.


4. To Be Safe.

Each of us desires to be free of core anxieties (i.e., poverty, sickness, and isolation).


5. To Be Touched.

As human beings, we crave physical touch from others--not necessarily sexual. We need to be touched by others around us on a daily basis.


6. To Be Chosen.

We each desire to be chosen. This is especially true for women. We desire to be chosen by a partner and held above all others in the eyes of this partner.


7. To Be Included.

We each desire to be included in community. The community might be family, neighborhood, political group, fan club, or sports team. As human persons, we are designed for community and have a desire to be included. This desire exists even for intorverts.

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So what does this mean? What do we do with the Seven Desires?

I would suggest two things:

First, these seven desires should be explored when we are experiencing anger. Particularly when we hold on to anger from the past, it may be a sign of an unmet desire of the heart. Identifying these unmet desires can help us to resolve and heal anger--it is the first step to forgiveness.

Second, understanding the Seven Desires can help us to more effectively love and serve those around us. Listen to others, affirm others, bless others, help provide safety for others, touch others, choose others, and create community by including others.

February 9, 2006

As I've been trying to overcome my "need" for the pleasure of addiction, I found the following description of pleasure from C.S. Lewis' Screwtape Letters on point:

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[This is a fictional elder demon writing to a younger, less experienced demon]

"Never forget that when we are dealing with any pleasure in its healthy and normal and satisfying form, we are, in a sense, on the Enemy's [God's] ground. I know we have won many a soul through pleasure. All the same, it is [God's] invention, not ours. He made the pleasures: all our research so far has not enabled us to produce one. All we can do is to encourage humans to take the pleasures which our Enemy has produced, at times, or in ways, or in degrees, which He has forbidden. Hence we always try to work away from the natural condition of any pleasure to that in which it is least natural, least redolent of its Maker, and least pleasurable. An ever-increasing craving for an ever diminishing pleasure is the formula.... To get the man's soul and give NOTHING in return--that is what really gladdens [Satan's] heart."

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That definitely sounds like addiction to me: "an ever-increasing craving for an ever-diminishing pleasure." Selling my sould and getting nothing in return.

It is good to remember, however, that pleasure is not the problem. God created pleasure for our enjoyment. It is seeking pleasure in the wrong ways--from drugs, acts, and things as opposed to affection, love, and people--that is the problem.

We were made for pleasure. Addiction robs us of this gift.

February 3, 2006

It's a warm day in February (by Minnesota standards) Twenty-five degrees and about a quarter inch of snow that fell during the morning commute. It's bright and sunny now.

And here the addict sits at his desk trying to formulate a plan for the day. Do I go to StumbleUpon where I am constantly triggered but can find a sense of community, or do I give up this cyber-community in order to chase sobriety?

And as a Christian addict the questions are double-edged. If I am a true believer, why do I struggle with addiction? Why can I not walk into any forum and bring the presence of the Spirit with me? Is this just my cross to bear?

These are the questions on the addict's mind. Maybe today I'll hear an answer.

Intro to an Addict

Hello.

I am D-Monk and I am an addict.

I am also a Christian pilgrim, husband, father, and lawyer.

In these pages you will find the thoughts, reflections, and struggles of an addict.

I am one who consistently does the very thing which I do not want to do and who does not do that which I do want to do.

I am an addict and I am a slave to my addiction.

In the words of the 12-steps: "I am powerless over my addictive behavior and my life has become unmanageable."

I blog to recover.

I hope you find something here to help you on your journey, whatever that may be.

Peace to you and thanks for stopping by!