The Cost of Forgiveness

In a Twelve-Step recovery program, the Fourth Step involves a moral inventory: "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." To make this moral inventory, it is recommended that the addict first compile a list of things and people he resents. This list of resentments is the key to uncovering assumptions and wrong actions that lie in the addict's past (and continue to shape his present).

So what does the addict do with all of these resentments?

According to the Twelve-Steps he: (iv) makes an inventory, (v) admits to another his wrongs, (vi) becomes ready to remove these wrongs, (vii) asks God to remove his wrongs, (viii) makes a list of people harmed by his wrongs, and (ix) makes direct amends to those he has wronged where possible.

But what does the addict do about the wrongs done to him?

Here is where the resentment's balm steps in: FORGIVENESS.

To remove resentments, the addict must forgive.

But forgiveness does not come cheap. Forgiveness comes with a price tag. Is the addict willing to pay?

So what is this thing called forgiveness?

Let's begin with some things that forgiveness is not:


FORGIVENESS IS NOT THE SAME THING AS EXCUSING.

People sometimes say that "to understand is to forgive all," but in a sense that's exactly wrong. Forgiveness is what is required precisiely when there is no good rationale to explain away why someone did what they did.


FORGIVENESS IS NOT FORGETTING.

Forgiveness is what's required precisely when we CAN'T forget.


FORGIVING IS NOT THE SAME THING AS RECONCILING

Forgiveness takes place in the heart of one human being. It can be granted even if the other person does not ask for it or deserve it.


So what IS forgiveness?

FORGIVENESS IS PAYING THE PRICE FOR THE OTHER'S WRONG.

Forgiveness comes with a price tag and it is expensive. Forgiveing is required when excusing or condoning or tolerating or accepting are not big enough to do the job. The first step in forgiveness is the decision not to try to inflict a reciprocal pain on everyone who has caused hurt.

When I forgive you, I give up the right to hurt you back.

I suspend the law of vengeance.
I give up the right to lecture you.
I give up the right to hold a grudge.
I give up the right to say, "I told you so."

FORGIVENESS HAS A PRICE AND THAT PRICE IS HIGH!

So why forgive?

Because the alternative is resentment and resentment has an even higher price tag.

Resentment means "to feel again." Resentment clings to the past, relives it over and over, picks each fresh scab so that the wound never heals.

Not to forgive imprisons me in the past and locks out all potential for change. I thus yield control to another, my enemy, and doom myself to suffer the consequences of the wrong.


Yes, forgiveness has a price, but so does resentment.

Don't forgive, and your anger will become your burden.

Don't forgive, and bit by bit all the joy will be choked out of you.

Don't forgive, and you will be unable to trust anybody ever again.

Don't forgive, and the bitterness will crowd the compassion out of your heart slowly, utterly, forever.

STUMBLED

Seeking "Connectedness"

Good morning, Blueshirts:

Thanks for the good meeting last night (we missed you O-F).

It seems to me that the theme for the week was "connectedness." Each of us desires to feel more connected with our spouse. The need for connection is a little different for each of us, but the need is common.

We also each expressed a sense in which we sabotage our chances at experiencing connectedness by interpreting acts and words of our spouses in the worst light possible. If she turns out the light first, she must not desire us (as opposed to simply being tired). Thus we not only don't find the connectedness we seek, but we guarantee it won't be there by justifying our feelings of loneliness and rationalizing the "need" to continue to act out. At least I can say that this is true for me.

After thinking about our discussion last night I can see how I have been using these techniques to isolate myself and create defensive walls so that I don't get hurt. I crave to be connected with Beth, but at some level I don't believe that I am worthy of such connection and I don't believe that she will want to connect with me at the deeper level I crave for. So I isolate myself. I interpret innocent actions in a bad light and build up a whole set of beliefs about how her actions must be showing that she doesn't desire me. In a sense, I can then control my isolation.

I build up false evidence of rejection so that I don't have to risk the pain of true rejection. But I also ensure that I will never be able to experience that sense of connection and affirmation that I so strongly crave. I am so afraid that she won't give me affirmation that I make sure that she never has the chance to give it to me. Then I can be safe and alone.

Boy am I one sick bastard!

Lord, help me open myself to Beth and others so that I may experience the connection and love for which you created me. Help me to interpret Beth's actions in a positive light and seek to make sure that I love her and let her know that I love her. Let me be brave enough to be hurt so that I can also experience love and healing.

You know what, Brothers? I think there is a lot of risk in healing and recovery. Are we up to it?

--
+PAX

Running Log (2008-06-22)

Saturday: 7.0 miles.
Sunday: 4.4 miles.

Saturday and Sunday were both beautiful days for running, although Sunday was a little coooler and a little easier.

Saturday was supposed to be a ten mile run, but I got off to a rough start. I hardly slept at all Friday night, and then I got up early and drove Paul to Little Falls, MN (about 1 1/2 hours away), spent a few hours up there, and drove back. So part of me was unsure as to whether I should even attempt a long run since I was tired. But I did.

I almost called it off less than two miles in. I just didn't seem to be able to get into my rhythm. So I stoppe dand walked for a bit, intending to quit and try again on Sunday. But then, after collecting my breath, I decided to push onward and actually had a very enjoyable run.


REFLECTION

I am reading a book called The Spirituality of Running. It advocates using the experience of running as a time to grow spiritually. The book includes a number of questions to meditate upon during runs.

The book opens by defining spirituality as including three elements:

(i) Our relationship with ourself,
(ii) Our relationship with others, and
(iii) Our relationship with God (Higher Power, Ultimate Reality).

The first topic for reflection is to examine what we like and don't like about our relationship with ourself.

I spent my Saturday run thinking about this question. Here are my thoughts:

There are a number of things I like about my relationship with myself. I like that as I am growing older I continue to seek growth as a person and that I am seeking more self-awareness. I like that I approach this relationship and self-understanding without emphasizing what I see happening in others. As I grow older I worry less about whether my self-understanding is good or bad compared to others. I am just trying to learn more about me. And I like that my self-relationship is not centered on perfection. I am slowly becoming aware that perfection is not the ultimate goal. Rather, I simply strive for progress. I want to be growing.

The book also asks for thoughts on what I don't like about my relationship with myself. Unfortunately, there are a number of such things. I don't like that I often feel lonely or panicked when I am alone. Why am I not happy being just with me? I also don't like my harshness with myself. I am very judgmental and seem always ready to tell myself when I am doing things wrong. I also don't like that my self-relationship is primarily intellectual. I don't think I allow my feelings and emotions to play a sufficient role in how I understand or evaluate myself.

Note to Blueshirts

Blueshirts:

I have been struggling the past week. I have had three sober days at the office this week, but acted out at home last night (it seems we suddenly have access to high-speed wireless internet from a new neighbor - now how in the world did my addict figure that out?).

I was reading the blog of a friend whose son is also battling cancer. I found the following reflection there:

Anyway, looking at the first chapter of Job, any tragic situation gets a new framework. God has protected Job and allowed him to prosper. Job recognizes that all of his blessings are from God, and is appropriately thankful. Satan (literally, "the accuser") uses this relationship to make the charge that Job is worshiping God only because he is blessed and protected. Satan states that if Job was not protected, he would not be faithful. God then allows the test to proceed.

God entrusts His reputation to Job, and when Job is faithful, God is glorified. That frames my situation much differently. God is entrusting His reputation with me, since my words and actions are now getting much greater scrutiny than before we learned of Ian's condition. God has Ian's best interest in mind, and will take care of my son. My charge is to continue to glorify God no matter what happens.

These same thoughts can easily be applied to our struggle with addiction. Why does God allow us to continue in our struggle? Why doesn't He just heal us and take the glory? Perhaps it is because He finds it more satisfying for us to bring Him glory when life is hard and when we trust Him even while we struggle. In fact, in our addiction we have a place where we can give our utmost to God. When we trust Him to heal us and when we choose to surrender to Him even while we fight a constant desire to bring pleasure to ourselves, we give God a special gift of glory.

And so I pray:

Lord, you have blessed us with the gift of freedom of choice. May we use this choice in good times and bad to demonstrate our trust in you. May our free choices bring you glory, even when our circumstances do not.

Amen.

STUMBLED

Running Log

HAPPY FEET!




Tuesday: 5.0 miles.

Adventures With Braxton - Day 97

Yesterday was a celebration of Braxton's recovery and it was more than anything we had expected!

Braxton's football coaches gave Braxton 4 tickets to last night's Twins game and arranged for Braxton to have the opportunity to meet some of the Twins players. We were told to be at the Twins Executive Offices by 4:30pm for a 7:05pm game.

We arrived at about 4:20pm and were escorted through the restricted parts of the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome and out onto the ball-field. The Twins players were taking Batting Practice and we were close enough to reach out and touch them.

We saw Joe Mauer, Justin Morneau, Michael Cuddyer, Carlos Gomez, Craig Monroe, Delmon Young, Brian Busher, Brendon Harris, and Alexi Casilla take turns in the batting cage. We also saw former Twins greats Tony Oliva and Jack Morris out on the field. And Dick Bremer, the Twins TV analyst, came by and talked to us. Wow!

But that was just the beginning.

Braxton also got to sit in a special area where the Twins players came by after finishing with Batting Practice and some of them stopped to autograph a baseball for him. He got autographs from Joe Mauer, Carlos Gomez, Delmon Young, Craig Monroe, Kevin Slowey, and Jesse Crain.

But that's not all.

He also got some real face-to-face time with the Twins newest superstar Carlos "Go-Go" Gomez. Gomez came over and shook Braxton's hand, signed his hat and glove, and posed for a picture with Braxton. And then he gave Braxton the bat he had been using for batting practice!!! That was a truly wonderful gesture and really made Braxton feel special!

Thank you, Carlos!!!

After all of the special pre-game on-field stuff, we were treated to a great game. A Twins win!!!

Livan Hernandez was the Twins starter and he pitched a beautiful game. He gave up only one run over 7 innings of work.

The Twins struggled behind the plate. They didn't get a hit until the fourth inning - a double by Joe Mauer. And Justin Morneau was really struggling as he killed two rallies with runners in scoring position. In the bottom of the first inning the Twins had runners at 1st and 2nd with only one out. Morneau hit into a double play. Then in the fourth inning, Morneau followed a Joe Mauer double with a weak fly ball to center.

By the time Justin Morneau came to bat in the 6th inning, he looked crabby. Very crabby. This time there were two outs in the inning, Joe Mauer was at 1st base, and the Twins were trailing 1-0. I looked at Beth and said, "Morneau is crabby. He's gonna whack this ball." And he did!

Justin "Crabby Pants" Morneau took the first pitch he saw and MASHED it deep deep deep to left field. That ball was crushed! It soared about ten rows deep into the upper deck of left field. Wow!!!

Now that's a Crabby Patty!

Other players may hit dingers, taters, long balls, or home runs. Not Morneau. Justin Morneau hits Crabby Patties!

After that home run, the game flew quickly toward the 9th inning. Hernandez pitched through the 7th. Matt Guerrier came in and pitched the 8th. And Joe Nathan closed out the win in the 9th.

The Twins Win!

2-1.

In under 2 hours.

And one boy recovering from cancer got to have the night of a lifetime.

Thank you, Twins, for giving Braxton a life affirming experience!!!


+ To learn more about Braxton's journey to cancer recovery, go to: http://adventureswithbraxton.blogspot.com/

Adventures With Braxton - Day 96

We are walking a thin line today as Braxton rests at home.

Tonight should be a great night for Braxton. His football coach (Keith Kerfeld) gave Braxton some special tickets for tonight's Twins game against the Washington Nationals. Braxton will have a chance to get on the field before the game and watch the Twins take batting practice. All we have to do is get him there.

We have been crossing our fingers and praying since Braxton finished his last round of chemo. So far Braxton has had to return to the hospital after each round of chemotherapy to protect his body from sickness. Each time before Braxton's cell counts have dropped and his temp has gone up.

Ironically, the first time Braxton had to go back to the hospital after chemo, it was after he attended a Twins game with his Dad.

This time, though, we're hoping it's different. Braxton has already made it longer at home than after any previous chemo treatment. His cell counts have dropped in the last couple of days. And his temp started to climb yesterday. But as of this morning he was still ok to stay home and he has a day time blood transfusion scheduled for tomorrow. So we're hoping that if he takes it easy today that he'll be ok to go to the game tonight.

Go, Braxton!

Go, Twins!


+ To learn more about Braxton's journey to cancer recovery, go to: http://adventureswithbraxton.blogspot.com/

A Turtle's Day

This turtle truly enjoyed Father's Day!

I spent this whole weekend surrounded by my children and made the choice to be present to them and spend time with them. As an introvert, this choice is not always easy or natural. But what a reward it can bring!!!

On Saturday, my 9-yr old daughter Gretchen asked me to go for a walk with her. I had just come back from a 6 1/2 mile run, but who can turn down a father-daughter outing?

We walked down the road towards a local college campus which is on the far side of Lake Valentine. I spent almost a full hour walking and talking with my daughter. We didn't talk about much, but the time spent was wonderful! She has a great smile and I feel really and truly blessed that she wants to spend time with me!

This theme continued on Father's Day. I had breakfast with the children in the morning. Emma (the "Chatty Chatty Princess") gave me a paper weight which she had crafted at preschool. It had a picture of her in the center which was encircled by small green pieces of glass. She purposefully chose green because she knows that is my favorite color ("Because you like turtles, Daddy!").

Gretchen gave me a photo collage with pictures of Paul, Gretchen, Emma, and me. And Paul gave me a card announcing that his gift is still coming.

Then we all took a walk together to a local creek where we played a rousing game of "Pooh Sticks" (the game from Winnie-the-Pooh where you drop sticks into a river on one side of a bridge and then rush to the other side of the bridge to see whose stick is fastest).

We followed our walk with a game of War (the only card game the Chatty Chatty Princess can grasp) which was won by the Chatty Chatty Princess.

Later in the afternoon we joined my extended family for a Father's Day picnic. The weather was good, the food was great, and we had a lot of fun.

At the end of the day I found that I am truly blessed as a father. I continue to make many bad choices from week to week, especially as regards engaging in addictive behavior. But the bad choices are balanced with good ones, such as choosing to give myself to my children over the weekend.

What I find myself thinking about today is how grateful I am to be a father. Even more, I am grateful that my children still WANT to spend time with me. That is a true blessing!!!

Thank you, Paul, Gretchen, and Emma! Thank you for a wonderful Father's Day!!!

The First Step

"1. We admitted we were powerless over addictive sexual behavior--that our lives had become unmanageable."

STUMBLED

Shame

Today I feel shame.

Yesterday I wasn't going to tell anybody. Nobody else needed to know. Yes, I was screwing up, but that's my business! I can handle it! I don't need anybody else!

That's what I told myself.

When I woke up this morning, I knew better. I do need help and I can't get better on my own. And despite what I told myself yesterday, pornography is not ok. I don't want it any more!

I feel like I am drowning. Every time I get my head above water, the undertow sweeps me back to sea. If I make a plan to combat one set of triggers, another shows up at my door. I make a plan for travel - I stumble at home. I make a plan for home - I stumble at the office. I make a plan to avoid triggering media - an attractive co-worker shows up at my desk. Help!

H - E - L - P ! ! !

I know you understand all of this. That's why I am sharing with you.

I acted out yesterday at the office. I acted out while people were waiting for me at a happy hour. I put myself at risk of being caught, but - at the time - I didn't care.

Today I care.

Today I hurt.

Today I feel shame.

Today I know I need help.

Please, Lord, I believe. Help me in my unbelief!!

STUMBLED

Words From a Blueshirt

This week I received the following e-mail from a fellow Blueshirt. His words rang so true, I thought I would share them here:

***************************************************************************************************************************************

Blueshirts,

I want to expose my current thought process to the light and at the same time, put up a fence.

I'm thinking about going online and finding one of my old standbys. Why not. [my wife] is out of town tonight so the opportunity is there. Even thought CE would catch me, I could just tell you guys I slipped and ask you to let me use my "Get out of Jail Free" card. After all, you guys are nice guys - you won't beat me up too bad. Satan will likely try to convince you that you are in no place to say anything too strong because, after all, you have slipped at times.

That image of the open jail door haunts me. I already have my pass out the door. Why do I want to stay in the cell of compulsive behavior, or, in the case of online usage, go back into the cell. Why don't I just want to stay in the freedom of being sober. Is it frightening being out of the cell and being in the light. Do I just want the comfort of the old cell when I'm feeling out-of sorts like I am tonight?

Can't I just be fine with feeling out-of-sorts without seeking someone or something to help me through the feelings. Wouldn't that be what a real man would do? Wouldn't a man after God's heart go there now, especially now?

Be well my brothers. Let's stay out of jail, or better said perhaps, let's see how wonderful sobriety is and seek to desire it more than the cold cell block of addition.

Celebrate

CELEBRATE


"Key West Sunset II" by D-Monk

3 DAYS

Note to Blueshirts

Brothers:

It continues to be an up-and-down period for me. I had a successful (and clean) trip to Charlotte, NC, but acted out once again on my return home.

I sense that we have all been plagued by challenges lately. It seems to have been a difficult road. And I also feel as we have been isolating a bit more - at least I know that is true for me.

We missed this past Monday's meeting. Would everyone be able to meet this coming Monday?

I feel the need to meet. Let me know if you are available.