Note to Blueshirts

Hello, Blueshirts:

After a stormy day yesterday, the clouds have moved out and the sun is shining. I feel sunshine in my recovery today as well.

I have had a clean week. I am experiencing temptations in my thoughts, but have been granted the grace not to act on them. In some cases I have actively prayed about them. Rather than keep them inside me and attempt to keep them hidden from God (as if I could), I have tried to engage in open prayer. Lord, this is what I am thinking, this is the image in my head. Naming the trouble to God has helped steal some of its power.

Still, I am afraid. Success with my thought world today doesn't give me assurance of lasting sobriety. I keep worrying about long-term success. I know that this, too, is self-defeating. God tells us to live in the present. Worry about today and let tomorrow take care of itself. But selfishly I'd like to be able to look Beth in t he eye and say, "I'm cured. I've finally figured it out and I will never act out again."

I think this is the cross of the addict, we have to take recovery one day at a time. While we yearn for a permanent solution, it doesn't exist. Jesus says, "Take up your cross and follow me!" And we respond, "Yes, Lord. I am willing to follow you. I will carry my cross of knowing that I will have to face addiction every day of my life. For you, Lord, I will bear this cross."

Are we willing to follow?