Note to Blueshirts

Hello, Blueshirts:

It worked last Friday and it worked the Friday before that. So I am calling on the Phone Brigade again today.

I acted out both on Tuesday and Wednesday and I am still feeling very slippery today. So I have called on Rod J to be my Phone Brigade for today. He and I have scheduled calls for 1:00 and 3:00 this afternoon - the times when I am most vulnerable. Knowing these calls are scheduled gives me a sense of peace. I feel more freedom to pursue the activities I want to pursue; I feel liberated from the bonds of acting out.

We are scheduled to meet on Monday. We had talked about going to a movie or some similar activity. I am levaing for a business trip on Tuesday, so I'd prefer not to be out late on Monday. How about meeting for drinks instead? We can meet at the bar right across the street from our usual spot.

Let me know.

Note to Blueshirts

Blueshirts:

You've heard about the acronym H-A-L-T (hungry, angry, lonely, tired). Well, I encountered all of these yesterday and, unfortunately, I responded by acting-out in the afternoon. Yesterday was a tough transition from a good weekend back to the ordinary of a work day. Booo!

Today is a new day.

Today I am feeling a little more connected and hopeful. But I am also feeling shame, anger (with self), anxiety, and sadness.

Work-Home balance continues to be an issue. I have lots on my plate at work, but I also have a number of projects at home that need my attention and that I have been ignoring or over-looking.

I need to make sure that I am connecting with God at the start of each day and then surrendering my whole day to Him. Yesterday I never got to this connectedness, but today I have gotten started on a better foot. I have much more piece and serenity when I am intentional about connecting with God .

Unselfishness or Love?

If you asked twenty good men today what they thought the highest of the virtues, nineteen of them would reply, Unselfishness. But if you asked almost any of the great Christians of old he would have replied, Love. You see what has happened? A negative term has been substituted for a positive, and this is of more than philological importance. The negative ideal of Unselfishness carries with it the suggestion not primarily of securing good things for others, but of going without them ourselves, as if our abstinence and not their happiness was the important point.

---C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory and Other Addresses, 1-2 (Eerdman, 1965).

STUMBLED

Adventures With Braxton - Day 75

It was a great weekend for Braxton and the family! Starting with the news Friday morning that Braxton was coming home, the whole weekend developed into a celebration. Throw in the fact that it was a "Circus Weekend" (a weekend when Paul & Gretchen are also with us), and it soon became an extravaganza of fun!!

The celebrating started on Friday as soon as Braxton returned home. We took Braxton to Red Robin for lunch. Braxton had a cheeseburger and fries while his mom had some sort of barbecue chicken-wrap.

When the girls returned home from school, we took everyone out for a round of mini-golf. The sun was shining, the air was warm, and it was a great day to be outdoors. Emma really enjoyed it and now calls mini-golfing her favorite thing to do.

Paul & Gretchen came down on Saturday and the house was filled with the noise of having all six children at home. Braxton played the Wii version of Tiger Woods PGA Golf and really enjoyed it. Braxton also got to go Kyaking with his mom on a local lake. They had a great time and were only mildly afraid of the giant Snapping Turtle lurking in the depths.

On Sunday we took the whole circus to the Minnesota Zoo. It was another great day! Everybody really enjoyed the zoo. Wee walked the Tropics Trail and the Minnesota Trail and then we rode the monorail. We stayed for the Dolphin show and packed up to go home.

The original plan was to stop at DQ for ice cream on the way home, but the skies grew dark and the tornado sirens sounded so we skipped the ice cream and went straight home. Some bad tornadoes touched down in Coon Rapids and Hugo, both a little north of where we live, but everything was ok for us. We went and got our DQ after dinner and after the storms had passed.

On Monday (Memorial Day) we went over to my Mom & Dad's house for some grilling and fun. Unfortunately, after finally hitting 80 degrees on Sunday, the temps dropped on Monday and it felt cold. So we ate indoors (but still grilled).

All-in-all, it was a terrific weekend. A fun-filled, Circus weekend, extravaganza for everybody!!

Welcome home, Braxton!!!


+ To learn more about Braxton's journey to cancer recovery, go to: http://adventureswithbraxton.blogspot.com/

Note to Blueshirts

Good morning, Blueshirts:

I hope you all had a good weekend. We had a great weekend as Braxton was home from the hospital. It was also a "Circus Weekend" since Paul & Grecthen were down.

I started today feeling kind of low. Depressed, anxious, low-energy, confused. I have started to feel more peaceful as the day has gone along and I think most of the down feelings have been the consequence of coming off a great weekend and having to return to the grind of daily work and daily life. God has opened my eyes to all the things to be grateful for, especially for the great weekend.

My work plate is still full and I am behind on a couple of projects. So I am feeling rushed and anxious at the office.

I need to slow down today and re-establish contact with Christ. I need to return to that rythm of prayer and surrender that allows me to be the man I would like to be.

I am happy to report that it was a sober weekend and that things have been better since operating the phone brigade with Rod last week.

Peace, Brothers!

Note to Blueshirts

Blueshirts:

It has been a rough couple of days for me. I acted out on Wednesday and I barely made it through the day yesterday. It took a commitment to phone calls every two hours yesterday to avoid acting out. I was very slippery.

Rod helped me set up fences yesterday and for that I am very grateful.

During one of our conversations yesterday, we started exploring an issue which I would like to submit to the group: How do we deal with the unexpected?

In particular, Rod and I noticed that we both have difficulty with unstructured time when our spouses are absent. This is especially true if the unstructured time is unanticipated. So it leads to a few questions for us to think about:

1. Why do we so quickly feel lonely and anxious when our spouses are absent?

2. Why is this more difficult to deal with when the absence is unscheduled?

3. Why can I prepare for these times in advance, but not when they are sudden?

4. What should we do when confronted with unexpected opportunity?

5. Is there any way we can practice skills that will help us when the unexpected comes along?

Please think about these issues. E-mail if you have thoughts or bring thoughts to our next meeting.

Peace!

A Turtle's Day

It has been an up-and-down past few days for this turtle.

After a 20-day streak of sobriety, I had a stumble on Wednesday. This has left feeling shame, frustration, and confusion.

I have also had the joy of helping my Mom celebrate her 65th birthday. That was a day full of family, fun, and sharing.

I have felt close to Beth the past few days, but isolated in other ways. This isolation has been fed by my addictive behavior.

Last night I went to the hospital to spend the night with Braxton. It has been a long, unscheduled day for Braxton which is draining on both him and the family. I was happy to take a turn to come in and we had a nice, quiet evening together. Braxton played some Tiger Woods PGSA golf on the PS2 and then we watched some of "The Alaska Experiment" on the Discovery Channel.

Today has been a great day. When Braxton finally got up this morning at around 10:00am, we learned that his white cell counts have recovered and he gets to come home today.

WAHOOOO!

It is a beautiful day in Minneapolis and I will take the day off from work. We'll celebrate with a lunch at Red Robin and enjoy the sunshine.

Note to Blueshirts

Blueshirts:

I acted out yesterday and could easily write all the same words that Rod uttered in his e-mail last night.

For me, it started with physical urges. I wasn't triggered by something I saw, or loneliness, or stress (or at least I don't think these were the triggers). I just recall feeling a strong physical urge to act out that started about 2:00 in the afternoon. I was in a meeting and responded to the urge by thinking about how I could act out when the meeting was over. I acted out on the internet, in my office, in my cube.

I also want to acknowledge that Beth and I had been intimate the night before. Once again there seems to be some link to being physically awakened. And yet I can't give up being a sexual being in my marriage. There must be a way to surrender acting out and still be able to be a husband.

Today is a new day. There will be many traps and snares throughout my day, but - at least for now - I have the desire to surrender myself to Christ and not act out.

Pray for me. Pray for Rod. Pray for all of us.

Stumbled

A Turtle's Day

Today has been a hectic day.

Last night Braxton spiked a fever and had to return to the hospital and Beth went to stay with him. That left me home alone with the rest of the children.

Today I had an early meeting at the office, but still had to get Emma to pre-school. So I got up early and packed Emma's lunch. I also packed an overnight bag for her since she is sleeping over at Grandma & Grandpa's tonight.

Then I got Emma up and got her dressed and ready for school. I woke Zoe up early so she could get ready for school and Emma and I headed out the door.

I dropped Emma off at pre-school and had a quiet commute to this office. I made it just in time for my early meeting. This meeting was followed immediately by a conference call. I didn't actually get to my desk to check e-mails and phone messages until 10:00am.

Yes, it's been a busy and hectic day, but it also has been an enjoyable day. I am enjoying my work and the responsibilities that come with it. I like the people I work with and I enjoy getting Emma ready in the morning.

So today has been hectic and good.

Blueshirts Meet Tonight

Hail, Blueshirts!

We meet tonight at our usual time and place.

It seems to me that it has been a quiet two weeks. Hopefully this is a sign that the battle has been going well. Of course, it can also be a sign that we are isolating.

Whatever the case, I look forward to seeing you all tonight and having face-to-face check-ins.

Take care, brothers!

Adventures With Braxton - Day 67

We are grateful today for a nice weekend at home with Braxton. It got off to a shaky start with the late-night visit to the ER, but since then everything has been better.

Saturday was a beautiful day in Minnesota and Beth got Braxton to sit out on the front porch and enjoy some sun while she was working in the yard.

Sunday was another nice day and Braxton asked to go to the park. We took Braxton, Bayley, Paul, Zoe, Emma, and both our dogs (Sunny & Rufus) to the playground by island Lake Elementary School.

Braxton's energy didn't last long. He spent most of his time just sitting on a swing. But it was really nice to see him get outdoors, play a bit, and smile!

Braxton, Bayley, Paul, and Zoe had a shoe flinging contest. They all got on the swings, swang as high as they could, and then let their shoes fly to see whose would go the farthest. Zoe was the clear winner. Braxton cried foul since he was wearing Crocs and they were "sticky."

Sunny & Rufus were popular, too. We had them harnessed together on a single leash and let them roam around. At one point during the shoe-flinging contest they managed to wander off without anyone noticing. We spotted them a couple blocks down the road heading for the woods. Silly dogs!

Today Braxton is going to Prince Caspian with Barb. The theatre should be empty during a school day and he can have a pretty safe outing.


+ To learn more about Braxton's journey to cancer recovery, go to: http://adventureswithbraxton.blogspot.com/

A Turtle's Day

Yesterday was a quiet day.

Emma was at my parents' house, so I was able to get an early start at work.

I had two main issues at the office yesterday. The first was monitoring a web presentation being offered by a vendor our company works with. The last presentation had been less than satisfactory and there was some worry that this one would flop. But the vendor was much better prepared and I think the meeting was good for our customers.

The second was working on revisions for a tool that I have created to help agents select a design for nonqualified retirement benefits. I had created a new version based on the direction I thought we should go, but got major pushback from my supervisor. At the time I was taking that pushback as a challenge to my competency, but later came to realize it was just other good ideas being brought to the table.

I spent the remainder of the work day trying to incporporate the suggested changes into my new tool design.

Last night was quiet for me. I went home a little early with the hopes of getting out for a run. Unfortunately I was needed at home to help out with Emma and Braxton. So my run will have to wait until today.

I spent a quiet evening reading, playing with Emma, and putting Emma to bed.

The rest of the family was celebrating with Bayley who received the Gold Award from the Girl Scouts. This is the equivalent of achieving Eagle Scout status in Boy Scouts.

Congratulations, Bayley!

Note to Blueshirts

Good morning, Blueshirts:

Today I check-in with a near slip. I really wanted to act out last night with pornography, but didn't. I did, however, do math.

I am thankful and grateful that it didn't go beyond that, but I am also anxious for today. I sense that I may be more vulnerable to triggers today and so I ask for extra prayer and some phone calls.

The weekend looks good and I am happy that it is here. I am looking forward to some time outdoors and time with family.

I hope all is well with you, Brothers.

Take care and keep me in mind.

Merry-Go-Round (Repeat Post)

Is it truly a yo-yo? Or more like a marry-go-round? The addict finds himself facing the same battles over and over. Making the same mistakes again and again. Coming full-circle like a boy on a merry-go-round.

Today the addict feels sad, anxious, lonely, and depressed. The addict doesn't want to be with others, but he's lonely by himself. There seems to be no sunshine in the addict's life.

After a long and lonely morning walk with the dogs, the addict realized that he has been here before. Just a month or so ago the addict slipped into one of these moody depressions. It turned out the addict had not refilled his anti-depressant meds and had been flying solo for about two week.

This morning the addict realized once again that he has not refilled his medications and has been flying solo for about two weeks.

Sad
Anxious
Depressed
Lonely

Been here before.

Sad
Anxious
Depressed
Lonely

Here I am again.



Life goes in circles for the addict. And then he finds frustration in his circumstances. And then he questions what is real.

"Who am I?" says the addict.

"Am I the serene and balanced self that I experience when I am taking my meds?"

"Or am I truly the despairing, lonely, and anxious self that I experience without meds?"

Which is real? Both? Neither? Which one matters in this pilgrimage through life, addiction, and recovery?

The addict doesn't know.
He just shrugs his shoulders and walks on.
He just walks on.
Walks on.
In a circle.

Yo-yo.
Rollercoaster.
Merry-go-round.

A Turtle's Day

Yesterday was a good day.

I started the morning right by remembering to take all my meds plus a multi-vitamin. I dropped Emma off at pre-school and had an easy commute to the office.

We had Toastmasters yesterday and I gave a 10-minute presentation on estate planning. The presentation went well and I got positive feedback.

I spent the afternoon working on various projects and engaged in a couple of phone calls.

The highlight for the day was last night. Beth and I had some time to ourselves so we went down to Grand Avenue in Saint Paul and enjoyed the sunshine. We had sandwiches at Jimmy John's and then splurged on ice cream at the Grand Ole Creamery (the best ice cream in the Twin Cities!).

Note to Blueshirts

Good morning, Blueshirts:

The progress report continues to be positive. I have had a sober week.

Today I am enjoying the fruits of spring. I am feeling happy, hopeful, and peaceful.

Work-life balance continues to be my biggest issue. I have been blessed with lots of patience from both work supervisors and my family. But I still feel behind and overwhelmed much of the time.

Today I need to surrender myself to God. May He do with me as He please and may I not say "No" to any request He makes clear to me.

I hope you are all well, Brothers. Let us continue to walk this road to recovery together and help bear one another up along the way.

Peace!

Note to Blueshirts

Good morning, Blueshirts:

I am happy to report continued sobriety this week.

Today I am experience feelings of happiness, hope, and joy. I also have some feelings of loneliness and anxiety.

My biggest issue is balancing the demands of work load, home responsibilities, and keeping up with schedule changes brought on by Braxton's illness.

I need to surrender my claims on the day and give myself over to Christ. I need to embrace the gifts he has given and graciously give my time to him when he asks.

I hope all of you are doing well. I am looking forward to our next meeting.

Adventures With Braxton - Day 60

It's been another changing of the guard. Beth was with Braxton all weekend, I spent Sunday Night with him, and his Dad arrives this morning for the remainder of Braxton's stay.

Braxton and I had a quiet evening last night. The Twins were playing the Red Sox, but the game was on ESPN which is not available in the hospital. So Braxton watched a show on "Sports Science" on Fox Sports Network while I monitored the Twins game on my computer. The sports science show was measuring the reaction times of various types of athletes - football players, basketball players, baseball players, and even a drag racer. He was also playing games on his DS system. Even though the game wasn't on tv, Braxton still had his video camera focused oon the Metrodome.

Braxton had the room bathed in the electric green color which looks a lot like Mountain Dew. I noticed at one point that my bottle of Mountain Dew actually looked clear in that lighting.

The Twins jumped out to a 7-1 lead in the game and held on to beat the Red Sox 9-8. They took two out of three games from the Red Sox and maintained their hold on first place in the AL Central.

GO TWINS!


+ To learn more about Braxton's journey to cancer recovery, go to: http://adventureswithbraxton.blogspot.com/

The YO-YO

"I am the Yo-Yo," says the Addict.

Yes ... life has ups and downs, and so does addiction. The Addict looks for a life where that is not the case, but it seems inescapeable.

The past few weeks have continued to be a yo-yo for the addict:

Struggles with acting out.
Mystical insights.
New resolve.
Victory.
Acting out again.
Despair.
New resolve.
New inspiration.

Up and down goes the addict.

Yo-yo.



The yo-yo can also be a symbol for the addict's tools for coping: addiction and isolation.

Y.O.Y.O.

Your On Your Own.

That's the addict. He's on his own. Why? Because his core beliefs tell him that this must be so.

The addict struggles with the following core beliefs about himself:

1. The addict is a bad and worthless person.
2. Anyone who learns the truth about the addict will reject and abandon the addict.
3. No one else will take care of the addict's needs.

YOYO.

Is it any wonder the addict feels alone most of the time. The addict cannot believe that any other option exists. He is worthless, all others will abondon him, and only he can care for himself.

YOYO.

If there is to be any hope for the addict, he must toss away his yo-yo. He must adopt new beliefs about himself and about the people around him. He must be willing to accept help from others and he must be willing to take the risk to open himself up to others. Yes ... healing for the addict must come from facing his deepest fear: he must reveal the truth about himself even though he believes that anyone who knows the truth about him will reject him.

Oh, addict ...
How can you face such dangers?

Oh, addict ...
How can you continue as a yo-yo?

Oh, addict ...
What will you do?

Note to Blueshirts

Good Morning, Blushirts:

I am happy to report continued sobriety this week.

I feel happy, hopeful, and grateful. I also feel anxious and isolated at times.

The day-to-day is becoming a big issue for me. Beth has been really stretched thin between work, family, spending time at the hospital with Braxton, and her graduate class. This leaves us always challenged on keeping up with bills (we missed the phonebill this month), house work, laundry, and yard work. I would like to find ways to help Beth more.

I need to continue to take the steps necessary to remain sober. Sobriety is more important to me now than ever. With Beth experiencing as much stress as she is, I would like to give her some peace of mind. If I can.

So pray for me. Pray for us. Pray for Braxton.

Thank you, Brothers!

Adventure With Braxton - Day 57

Braxton is back in the hospital for another round of chemotherapy. But he had a surprise when he arrived. He is in the Big Media Suite.

There is a special room on the children's cancer floor that is rotated between the different patients. Unbenounced to us, Braxton gets the room for this stay.

The "Big Media Suite" is a dream-come-true for a kid like Braxton. There is a huge flat screen tv in the center of the room with two smaller flat screens beside it. The patient has an additional touch screen panel by his bed that controls all of these. He can put the same show up on each screen or use each screen for something different simultaneously. He can watch two, or three, shows at once. He can put tv on one screen and play X-Box on another.

He can also control a video camera which is mounted on the roof of the hospital. He can pan the camera in different directions and zoom it in and out.

So all-in-all, Braxton will have much more fun this hospital stay. We are so grateful for things like this. It is nice to see your child smile and enjoy things during these struggles.


+ To learn more about Braxton's journey to cancer recovery, go to: http://adventureswithbraxton.blogspot.com/

Note to Blueshirts

Hello, Blueshirts:

After a stormy day yesterday, the clouds have moved out and the sun is shining. I feel sunshine in my recovery today as well.

I have had a clean week. I am experiencing temptations in my thoughts, but have been granted the grace not to act on them. In some cases I have actively prayed about them. Rather than keep them inside me and attempt to keep them hidden from God (as if I could), I have tried to engage in open prayer. Lord, this is what I am thinking, this is the image in my head. Naming the trouble to God has helped steal some of its power.

Still, I am afraid. Success with my thought world today doesn't give me assurance of lasting sobriety. I keep worrying about long-term success. I know that this, too, is self-defeating. God tells us to live in the present. Worry about today and let tomorrow take care of itself. But selfishly I'd like to be able to look Beth in t he eye and say, "I'm cured. I've finally figured it out and I will never act out again."

I think this is the cross of the addict, we have to take recovery one day at a time. While we yearn for a permanent solution, it doesn't exist. Jesus says, "Take up your cross and follow me!" And we respond, "Yes, Lord. I am willing to follow you. I will carry my cross of knowing that I will have to face addiction every day of my life. For you, Lord, I will bear this cross."

Are we willing to follow?

Adventures With Braxton - Day 55

Braxton has enjoyed his time at home and he really, really enjoyed the visit from Uncle Jeff.

Yesterday Braxton was with his Dad. They visited the hospital for more tests on his creatinin levels and kidney function. Unfortunately, the creatinin is still too high. So Braxton will be on IV fluids for another day or two. Thank goodness for portable Bob (the backpack that carries the portable IV drip machine).

Tomorrow Braxton returns to the hospital for round four of chemotherapy. Hopefully he'll be able to get outside and enjoy the nice weather today before he has to go back to the "big house."


+ To learn more about Braxton's journey to cancer recovery, go to: http://adventureswithbraxton.blogspot.com/

Note to Blueshirts

Good morning, Blueshirts:

Thanks for the good meeting last night (P - the jury's still out on whether having your mind in the sewer is an appropriate excuse for missing our meeting). It sounds like we each have had predominantly sober weeks with some isolated issues. That's good news!

As for me, I am still thinking about how to re-direct my thoughts and actions during afternoon lulls. Two ideas we discussed were giving myself permission to read non-work related materials and just leaving my desk to connect with co-workers. I will think more on this issue.

Today:

I am feeling grateful, hopeful, busy, and anxious. I feel a bit isolated and I feel disconnected from Beth.

I have lots to do at work and I need to stay focused on getting projects completed. I need to maintain focus even after completing a project.

I am looking for ways to increase my obedience to Christ. Lord, teach me how to surrender my will to yours.

Adventures With Braxton - Day 53

We had a good weekend with Braxton at home. Braxton's Uncle Jeff came out from Illinois to visit. It was fun to watch them be guys and laugh and hang out.

The weather was nice so we took dogs and children out to the dog park on Saturday. Jeff brought his white huskey, Sadie.

Then we went out to dinner Saturday night at Champps -- Braxton's choice.

On Sunday, Jeff took Braxton to see the new movie "Iron Man" while the rest of the family took advantage of sunshine and the outdoors.


Braxton & Uncle Jeff

+ To learn more about Braxton's journey to cancer recovery, go to: http://adventureswithbraxton.blogspot.com/

Note to Blueshirts

Good morning, Blueshirts:

I am looking forward to our meeting tonight (6:00 at Perkins).

Last week I reported a victory when I spent the day home and didn't act out despite great opportunity. Now I check in with defeat.

I acted out on Friday afternoon, at the office, in the Fishbowl. I took a very narrow window of opportunity in the late afternoon and viewed internet pornography. I apologize to the group and ask for your forgiveness.

What was happening?

I think I hit up with a combination of boredom, uncertainty, and wanting a reward. I finished a project on Friday around 3:00 and didn't really want to push on to the next. My addict told me I deserved a reward of some sort and I turned to the same place I have turned in the past. This "boredom cycle" frustrates me. I think it will also be the hardest of my triggers to overcome.

Last year I had some success by finding an alternative outer-circle behavior. I gave myself permission to read at the office when I hit those boredom stretches. Certainly reading is not being productive at work, but it is a better outlet than the internet.

I would like to hear your thoughts this evening on ways to combat those afternoon lulls. All feedback appreciated.

Thank you, Brothers! See you tonight!