Cry for Help ...

Hi, TZ:

I can identify with your struggle and frustration. I am feeling my own pain this week.

I feel like I've backed myself into a corner with Beth this week. I acted out while I was on the road last week, and then acted out for each of the next two days. I also stopped taking my meds for depression and A.D.D. Now I am extremely impatient and have no control over my anger. I have been lashing out at everyone around me lately - Beth, the children, friends, and even our dogs. Everyone knows I am angry and they are starting to avoid me. I know I am angry and I would avoid me, too.

But I still haven't refilled my meds. My anger is out of control. And I am headed back on the road on Wednesday.

Then Beth is coming down to join me on Friday. We are supposed to take some time and head down to the Florida keys for a romantic getaway. But based on my recent slips and the anger I have been unleashing, I don't think that Beth even wants to spend time with me. And I don't blame her.

This trip is a big investment for us both in terms of money and time. This is supposed to be a "honeymoon" for us. And I am doing everything I can to ruin the trip before we even get down there. And each time I lash out I feel like I have lost any hope there may have been of restoring things and enjoying this trip. And then I feel sad, frustrated, and helpless. And feeling helpless just makes me angrier.

There has to be a way out of this vicious circle. If I love Beth the way that I believe I do, there has to be a way for me to surrender my anger and give myself to her instead. But right now I am not finding that way. Instead I am angry and lashing out and watching the things I care about most slip away from me.

Lord Jesus, is this bottoming out? Have I yet found the place where I will stop trying to control my life and addiction? Am I now ready to surrender?

Or will I keep clinging to my own selfish will until I have lost absolutely everything that matters to me?

If there is any hope for surrender, please, Jesus, help me now! I don't want to lose my love. I don't want to lose my family. I don't want to lose my job or my friends.

Please, Jesus, help me!