End of Day (1/30)

Feelings Today:

happy, grateful, rushed, anxious

Issues:

Workload. Coming back from vacation means I am overwhelmed at work. I have lots of follow-up to do for the conference I was at last week. I have lots of prep to do for the conference I am presenting at next week. I have numerous phone calls and e-mails to return. I have projects that are falling behind. I am very very busy.

But being busy is good.

I also have personal issues that have been dropped in the midst of all my work and travel. I missed the deadline for filing a missing state tax return. I am behind on important bills. I need to get my prescriptions re-filled. Such is the life of an adult with A.D.D.

Yet being busy is good.

Finally, I want to make sure I remain connected with Beth. We had a great getaway in the Florida Keys last week and I feel much closer to her now. Addiction was not an issue when I was vacationing with the one I love. But that doesn't mean addiction won't be an issue now that I am home. I want to use this experience as part of my vision for a healthy life beyond addiction.

I want to stay sober.


Needs:

I need to re-engage in work and in my program in a healthy way. I need to return to the rhythm of daily prayer and meditation, phone calls, and journaling. I need to surrender daily my will and my life to Christ.

In Miami ... Again

D-Monk is in Miami attending a conference for work.

He'll be back soon.

Note to Blueshirts

Hello, Brothers:

Thank you for the good meeting last night. I have been very troubled lately and I really needed that face-to-face time with you. Your thoughts, affirmations, and suggestions have all been good medicine for this addict.

Let me summarize what I heard from you regarding what steps to take next with recovery:

1. I should not make any disclosures to the new person I am working with at my office; this may be too much of a burden for him.

2. I need to give Beth the opportunity to voice her frustrations and concerns over my acting out and over my increasing anger. During this time, I am not to respond to issues or raise objections. Rather, if there is something she says that I disagree with, I am to write it down and wait at least 24 hours before bringing it up with her (and perhaps I should raise the issue with the group first).

I thank you for both of these directions, I hear the wisdom of the group.

I gave Beth some time to talk last night. She asked me how group was and whether you gave me any advice. I told her my guys said to be quiet. Let her talk, listen to her, and not offer any rebuttals or excuses. She said, "They're right."

Then she spent some time talking and I spent some time listening. It was very good. She kissed me this morning. That was very good.

Thanks, Blueshirts!

Cry for Help ...

Hi, TZ:

I can identify with your struggle and frustration. I am feeling my own pain this week.

I feel like I've backed myself into a corner with Beth this week. I acted out while I was on the road last week, and then acted out for each of the next two days. I also stopped taking my meds for depression and A.D.D. Now I am extremely impatient and have no control over my anger. I have been lashing out at everyone around me lately - Beth, the children, friends, and even our dogs. Everyone knows I am angry and they are starting to avoid me. I know I am angry and I would avoid me, too.

But I still haven't refilled my meds. My anger is out of control. And I am headed back on the road on Wednesday.

Then Beth is coming down to join me on Friday. We are supposed to take some time and head down to the Florida keys for a romantic getaway. But based on my recent slips and the anger I have been unleashing, I don't think that Beth even wants to spend time with me. And I don't blame her.

This trip is a big investment for us both in terms of money and time. This is supposed to be a "honeymoon" for us. And I am doing everything I can to ruin the trip before we even get down there. And each time I lash out I feel like I have lost any hope there may have been of restoring things and enjoying this trip. And then I feel sad, frustrated, and helpless. And feeling helpless just makes me angrier.

There has to be a way out of this vicious circle. If I love Beth the way that I believe I do, there has to be a way for me to surrender my anger and give myself to her instead. But right now I am not finding that way. Instead I am angry and lashing out and watching the things I care about most slip away from me.

Lord Jesus, is this bottoming out? Have I yet found the place where I will stop trying to control my life and addiction? Am I now ready to surrender?

Or will I keep clinging to my own selfish will until I have lost absolutely everything that matters to me?

If there is any hope for surrender, please, Jesus, help me now! I don't want to lose my love. I don't want to lose my family. I don't want to lose my job or my friends.

Please, Jesus, help me!

Today's Weather (1/19)

TODAY'S WEATHER IN MINNEAPOLIS




Frigid.
Today's forecast high in Minneapolis is -1 (-13c).

BRRRRRRRR!!!!


Current Temp: -5 (-20c)

Windchill: -23 (-30c)

Note to Blueshirts (1/19)

Brothers:

It has been a real struggle for me since I stumbled in Miami. Having responded to stress by acting out, it is as if I woke my addict from a deep slumber. Once awakened, I have been unable to turn off his ways of thinking. I find myself thinking about sex constantly; thinking about opportunities to act out and fantasizing when I am not acting out.

Only in the last day or so have I been able to start coming out of this way of thinking. During this time period I have lost contact with my outer circle behaviors and recovery tools. For the past several days I have forgotten to pray, I have not made phone calls, and I haven't been sending e-mails or checking in.

Next week I will be in Miami again for another business trip. Then Beth is coming down to join me for some vacation time. We are treating this as our honeymoon. I want to be sober for this trip. I want to be able to give myself wholly to Beth. I want to do the hard work of recovery and stop taking the quick and easy solutions that are offered to me by my addict.

I pledge myself to doing the hard work of recovery as I start another week. But I am not strong enough to fight this on my own. Please pray for me. Your prayers are effective and God listens.

Thank you in advance for all of the help and support each of you is giving to me. I am looking forward to our meeting on Monday. If there is anything I can do to help any of you, please do not hesitate to ask.

Lord Jesus, if it be your will, you can bring us healing. Help us find our way to you!


D-Monk

Gratefulness Journal (1/19)

Today I am grateful for:

1. Chance to help.
2. Waking up.
3. Popcicles.

D-Monk

Note to Blueshirts

Blueshirts:

Thank you for your words of support.

I am very frustrated about what happened in Miami. I am happy to be home now and have some distance from the events so I can reflect. I think I have some pretty good insights on what happened, but I am not sure that these are enough to keep it from happening again. I need some more guidance on how to react to those stresses in a healthy way.

What does a healthy person do when confronted with stress and anxiety while traveling? What should an addict do when confronted with these? It was so easy (and almost automatic) to run to the internet and act out with pornography. How can I train my heart and my mind to produce a different response to these triggers?

Today's Weather (1/17)

TODAY'S WEATHER IN MINNEAPOLIS

System shock!!!

After five days of 70's in Miami, I have been rudely awakened by my return to January in Minnesota.

Temp: 2 (-17c).

Windchill: -11(-24c)

Gratefulness Journal (1/17)

Today I am grateful for:

1. Being home.

2. Good health.

3. Blueshirts.

D-Monk

Happy Feet

Tuesday: 3.1 miles.

A Note to My Fellow Blueshirts

Hello, Brothers:

I write to you with mixed news today. I am still in Miami and the conference has gone very well from a professional standpoint. But on the personal front, I stumbled and acted out on the internet yesterday. So I will not be able to celebrate a sober trip this time.

What happened?

The trip was actually going very well. I arrived in Miami on Saturday and started getting acclimated. I met with some of the others from our company and enjoyed a long run along Miami's South Beach. I didn't sleep well Saturday night, but I did remain sober.

The conference started Sunday and I was prompt in my attendance. I met with some prospective clients and had a chance to promote what we are doing in my department. I went out for another run on the beach and joined other team members for a nice dinner. I slept very well Sunday night and remained sober.

Monday was another successful day on the business front and featured another opportunity for exercise. But then I acted out Monday evening.

I think I became very nervous and stressed about the presentation I was to give today. This was a lunch time, featured speaker presentation to about 200 professionals in my industry. This is the largest and most prestigious speaking opportunity I have had and this was to be the first time that I delivered this particular presentation.

As of Monday I was not satisfied with the presentation. I hadn't found that unifying theme I needed to bring it all together and I was beginning to doubt my ability to pull it all off. So I turned to the internet and escaped into the world of pornography. Not the response I needed to make my presentation successful.

I got very little sleep Monday night, but, ironically, I got some inspiration about my speech as I was drifting off. By this morning I had figured out how to make the presentation work. And, in fact, the talk was very well received.

So professionally, a good day ... but I am left to wonder why acting out had to be the personal cost. There has to be a better way.



--
+PAX


______________________________
D-Monk

Gratefulness Journal (1/15)

Today I am grateful for:

1. Running on the sand.
2. Nervousness.
3. Inspiration.

D-Monk

STUMBLED

Happy Feet

Monday: 3.1 miles.

End of Day (1/14)

Feelings Today:

energetic, hopeful, aware, grateful



Issues:

I am traveling for business at a conference in Miami. This creates several issues for me: (i) overcoming my introvert tendencies, (ii) staying focused on business, and (iii) combating increased temptations to act out. So far, so good.


Needs:

I need to continue to do the little things that help keep me sober: make phone calls, pray, exercise. This trip has been a blessing so far. I am grateful for the fellowship of other addicts that I get by making phone calls.


The trip started with one major struggle: sleep. I got very little sleep the first night I was here. Yesterday I went to the local Walgreens and purchased a small fan. Running this fan last night gave me enough "white noise" to relax and I slep much better. I am grateful for that.

Today has been an excellent day business-wise. I had an opportunity to meet with some prospective clients and share our vision for 2008. That was good.

Tomorrow the pressure is really on. I will be the featured lunch speaker for an audience of nearly 200 top sales people. I've got my fingers crossed!

Today's Weather (1/14)

TODAY'S WEATHER IN MINNEAPOLIS

Sunny and Cold!

Temp: 6 (-14c).

TODAY'S WEATHER IN MIAMI

Partly Cloudy and Hot!

Temp: 76 (24c).

Gratefulness Journal (1/14)

Today I am grateful for:

1. Sandy beaches.

2. Opportunity.

3. Happy blue fan.

D-Monk

Sunny Happy Feet

I have had the opportunity to run along Miami Beach twice so far:

Saturday: 4.6 miles
Sunday: 4.0 miles

D-Monk Is in Miami

D-Monk is in Miami attending a conference for work.

He'll be back soon.

Football Controversy?

Says TMQ about this weekend's playoff games in the NFL:

"The Chargers at Colts and Giants at Cowboys games will be played indoors, and the Packers have no cheerleaders -- meaning that for the divisional round, only the New England cheer-babes will have a significant opportunity to appease the football gods with professionalism. Bill Belichick is behind this somehow!"

Be Made Clean

Once, when he was in one of the cities, there was a man covered with leprosy. When he saw Jesus, he bowed with his face to the ground and begged him, "Lord, if you choose, you can make me clean." Then Jesus stretched out his hand, touched him, and said, "I do choose. Be made clean."

- Luke 5:12-13.

I read this text today and it appealed to the addict in me. I need healing. And I have asked Christ for healing on many occasions.

But as I was praying about this text today, something new occurred to me. Do I know what healing is? Is my understanding of being cleansed the same that Christ has for me?

When I pray for healing from my addiction, in my mind I am really asking Christ to take away the temptations, stresses, and other triggers that lead me to act out. Healing in this sense means an easy life for me.

But what if Christ has a different meaning in mind when he says, "Be made clean"? What if the cleansing Christ offers is not removing temptations and triggers, but rather to offer the strength and grace to avoid acting out even amid such circumstances. This would be a harder outcome for the addict, but one which offered the chance to build strength and character to bring to all of life's experiences.

I don't know what the real answer is, but I am beginning to wonder if Christ has answered my prayers to be healed and I just haven't recognized the answers.

Heavenly Jesus, I am sick with addiction and need you to cleanse me.

Lord, if you choose, you can make me clean.

Today's Weather (1/11)

TODAY'S WEATHER IN MINNEAPOLIS

Cooler.

Temp: 20 (-7c).

The Adaptable Turtle

Ugly Sweaters

These are the contestants for the recent "Ugly Christmas Sweater" contest at D-Monk's office.

A Word for the Day

Faith in the one God is the only thing that truly liberates the world and makes it 'rational.'

When faith is absent, the world only appears to be more rational.

- Pope Benedict XVI

Gratefulness Journal (1/11)

Today I am grateful for:

1. Blogging.

2. Bagels.

3. Smiles from the CCP.

D-Monk

End of Day (1/10)

Feelings Today:

Mostly good. Happy, engaged, anxious, uncertain, grateful.


Issues:

Workload. I have been given new opportunities for 2008 and am very excited. I am partnering with a new team member - RK - and I enjoy working with him. We have lots to accomplish and I am very busy right now trying to roll out a new planning platform for our clients and preparing for two conferences in the next three weeks. My days are just flying by!


Needs:

I need to find my inner quietness. All of this opportunity and change has left me somewhat frazzled. I am having trouble stepping back from my work and finding calm. I need to accept and enjoy this new responsibility, but also be able to step back and surrender the day to God.


Check-In:

Today was a good day at the office. I got a lot accomplished with RK. We spent some time on the phone with a major client and came away with some energy and vision. I made revisions to the presentation we will be giving in Miami and we did a "dry run" today in the office. We got positive feedback and that is exciting.

I am also mourning a little. I did not realize how much the StumbleUpon web community meant to me. I think doing more serious journaling here at my "Diary of an Addict" will be good recovery work, but I am missing some of the contact with other web users I had over at SU.

The day is over; it's time to head home. Nothing scheduled for tonight. I'll try to take the dogs for a run and then spend some time with my beloved B-Monk.

A New Beginning

Today marks a new beginning for this "Diary of an Addict." Up until now, I have done much of my web blogging as D-Monk on a page in StumbleUpon, saving only more serious, addiction related posts for this Blog.

But as of yesterday, the "fun police" within my company's IT department have blocked out access to SU while at work. Since work is when I do most of my posting, SU is no longer a viable option for me. So the "Diary of an Addict" Blog will now become my all-purpose blog.

That having been said, you will see more types of entries on this page. I will be including regular "Gratefulness Journal" entries. I use these to remind me of all of the good things in my life. This is considered an important exercise to improve one's general level of happiness.

The gratefulness journal exercises underscore a certain truth about life. There are things in life we can change and things that we cannot. There are also certain perceptions about life we can change and some that we cannot. An important example of this is whether I tend to measure my satisfaction in life based on my own accomplishments or based more on what I see happening to people around me. When I use others as a reference point, I will increase my level of frustration because there will always be people who seem to have more or accomplish more than me. Rather than allowing others to control my level of self satisfaction, I can look at things I am grateful for in life and keep the focus on my own goals and objectives.

You will also see somewhat regular postings on weather and on running. I write these postings for myself. With the weather, I like to record daily conditions so I can go back in future years and see what the weather was like. With running, I juts like to keep track of when and how far I go. It's a good motivator and gives me a feeling of accomplishment.

Despite all these additional postings, I have no illusions about readership. I don't believe I have any regular readers and would not be surprised if there are no readers of this blog. Thats ok. This blog is an exercise for me, to help me improve my enjoyment of life and work on recovering from addiction.

If perchance there are readers out there, then I hope this blog either helps you or entertains you.

God Bless!

D-Monk

Today's Weather (1/10)

TODAY'S WEATHER IN MINNEAPOLIS



Warm again.

Temp: 34 (1c).

Gratefulness Journal (1/10)

Today I am grateful for:

1. Help.
2. New starts.
3. Good friends.

D-Monk

Note to Blueshirts

Good morning, Blueshirts:

Thank you for your prayers, support, and phone calls. I had a much better day yesterday. It reminded me that it is ok to ask for help. There is strength in asking for help. Yesterday, I was a stronger man because I had the strength of others helping me.

Thank you!


Today:

F - hope, relief, anxiousness

I - heavy workload; anxiety about acting out

N - to surrender to God and ask for help


Yesterday was a sober day. Please help me give another day to Christ.

Living Accordingly?

Good morning, Blueshirts:

I struggled with our end of year commitment and stumbled across the line having acted out two or three different times in the last ten days. This was a disappointment for me.

Today's reflection for A.A. from Hazelden gave me something to think about:

"When I came into A.A., I learned what an alcoholic was and then I applied this knowledge to myself to see if I was an alcoholic. When I was convinced that I was an alcoholic, I admitted it openly. Since then, have I been learning to live accordingly?"

We are not alcoholics, we are sex addicts, but the same principals apply to us. The question posed really caught my attention this morning.

"Since then, have I been learning to live accordingly?"

Have I been learning to live in full acknowledgment that I am a sex addict? I admit daily that I am an addict and I acknowledge my powerlessness before God. I ask God daily for help in recovery.

But I also try to live as if I were not an addict. Rather than admitting my sickness and avoiding all manners of temptation, I tend to delude myself into thinking that because I have acknowledged that I am an addict I can live an ordinary life and do the same things that healthy people do. The truth is that because I am sick, I cannot do the things healthy people can do.

A healthy person can go to a bar and drink one or two drinks and not have any problems; this would be death for an alcoholic.

A healthy person can channel-surf, watch suggestive movies, and live a healthy life; as a sex addict, I cannot do this.

What is ok for a healthy person is a danger to me. But day-in and day-out I attempt to live as if this were not true. I acknowledge my condition and ask for help, but then I put myself in situations that are risky for me. I seem to believe that if I acknowledge that I am sick, I can live as if I were not sick. This has been a constant stumbling block for me.

Blueshirts, I thank you for your fellowship and support on this frustrating journey. With your help, and the help of Christ, there is hope.

Hope even for one who lives in denial.