Once again I made it until about 4:00 in the afternoon. Then I started to get that sense that I needed something. I wanted that buzz that comes from searching the internet for new porn.
I started by looking at some pictures of celebrities and again moved to bikinis and some nudity. Then I "did the math" before catching the bus to go home.
I am now reading Patrick Morley's book The Man in the Mirror. This is a study for Christian men designed to help us examine whether we are living according to our true priorities. Each chapter has questions for reflection and I will try to journal my responses here.
CHAPTER ONE - THE RAT RACE
1. "Most men are caught up in the rat race." Agree or Disagree? Why?
I definitely agree that most men are caught up in the rat race. We are constantly trying to prove our worth in the world and we are using the world's standards as our measure. We chase better jobs, bigger houses, faster cars. We do it even while proclaiming to be Christians. We try to justify our importance to others through our successes rather than through our faith and kindness.
2. If the rat race is an unwinnable race, why do you think so many men run it? What are they trying to accomplish?
I think that we are yearning for a sense of affirmation and purpose. Though we believe in our minds that Jesus is our Lord and Savior, we still want some proof that we are good and that others accept us. So we turn to the things that the world tells us over and over that we need in order to be accepted by others: good jobs, lots of material wealth, perfect bodies, etc.
3. In what ways has your material standard of living gone up since you were a child? In what ways do you think your moral/spiritual/relational standard of living has been affected?
From a purely material standpoint, I have a better standard of living than my parents did at my age. I live in a large four-bedroom house. We have two cars, central airconditioning, three televisions (all color), and cable tv. We have computers and internet. We have a microwave oven, a dishwasher, and upgraded appliances.
But I know that this material wealth has wounded me spiritually. For most of my life I have relied on credit to buy things. I have bought into the lie that everyone has these things, that I am entitled to these things, and that I'll have plenty of money later to pay them off. All of these things in my life have weighed my spirit down. I experience stress and jealousy due to my investment in things. They haven't made me happier - they have let me down.
4. It appears that many men have been lulled into mental and spiritual complacency. How has consumerism impacted your own values and the way you spend money?
I think that consumerism has helped to make me prideful and selfish. It has also weakened my faith.
I am prideful because I look at what I have purchased and believe that shows that I must be successful. I am selfish because I constantly think about the next thing that I want. I think my faith is weakened because I place my trust for safety in my things rather than in God. I feel independent and self-sufiicient.
It is time for me to check-in about this week and then do a little First Step reflection.
This week has been very disappointing for me. I came out of our meeting with renewed energy and a sense that I could get back on the right path for recovery. I started Monday with quiet time, prayer, phone calls, and a post in this blog. All steps to move forward and walk the road of progress.
But then came Tuesday afternoon ... late afternoon. I got towards the end of the day - 4:00 or so - and my mind began to drift. The buzz started to rise up in my body and the desire to find that place of sensation took over. I began by looking on the internet for images of celebrities, followed by looking for nude women, and soon found myself acting out.
I went home and just wondered what was going on. I blamed all of you!! I only tell you this so that I can be honest, not because I truly believe that any of you was the least bit at fault. But it was a lot easier to accept my actions by pointing the finger away from me.
[sigh]
I came to the office Wednesday morning feeling a complete failure. I left a message for Rod and made sure to take some time at the office for quiet and prayer. I started to have another good day and began to shrug off what had happened the day before. But the same pattern set in. I got to the late afternoon and found myself wanting to get into that buzz of just looking. I felt like I needed a "hit." I had spent part of the morning talking to Jesus about my belief that his grace was enough for these times and that looking back I could see that there was a time each day when I still had the strength to say no to what was coming. But I found myself in the afternoon saying screw it! There's no consequences ... I'm not hurting anyone ... it helps me keep focused during the day and get my work done and now I deserve a reward!
Lies, lies, lies.
But I believed each one.
I had a clean day yesterday, but that is simply a testament to the fact that I was in meetings all day until I went home.
Now let's look at the First Step:
We admitted we were powerless over addictive sexual behavior—that our lives had become unmanageable.
My life this week is a testimony to the first step. It is telling me that I need to take this first step once again. I say that because the lie that has really taken hold of me this week is that I can control this behavior (at least to the extent of keeping it in check or keeping it at "normal" levels) and that I can manage my life.
My addict has gone along kicking and screaming to claim that I can control this and everything else in my life. I am in control. I am strong. I'm independent. I don't need help. Iam a man.
The lie continues: I will overcome this problem when I take the right steps and when I do the right things. I ... I ... I. I have the power - it's up to me.
NOT!!!
I am powerless over my addiction. The sooner I get this truth all the way through my head the sooner I will be able to truly surrender to Christ and the process of healing.
Four plus years of recovery and I still haven't fully come to grips with the very first step.
My original first step story?
I first encountered Playboy when I was around twelve or thirteen. I had the same experience with it as most boys. No true addictive behavior when I was young.
The addictive behavior set in when I was in law school. I began to buy magazines (soft core - Playboy & Hustler). I was embarrassed every time I made a purchase. Then we got internet in our house for the first time. Anonymous. Totally anonymous. No shame.
Soon I was spending hours at night surfing the net looking for free, anonymous pornography. I would be up until 3 or 4 in the morning.
Then I started working and things got better for a while. I had pledged that no matter what, I would never view porn at work. But then I did once.
I remember swearing to myself in the car on the way home that night and I remember the fear of driving in the next morning. I was sure that the IT department would have monitored it and that I would be met by someone that morning. I was hoping I wouldn't lose my job.
But nothing happened. Whew. Never again.
But it did happen again. And the same remorse and fear followed.
Eventually it started to become a regular afternoon habit. Then when it got to the point where I had acted out every day for a week, I realized I had a problem. I told my wife and started looking for help. Eventually we found Mark Laaser's group.
We have reconstructed the Tower of babel and it is a television antenna, a thousand voices producing a daily parody of democracy in which everyone's opinion is afforded equal weight regardless of substance or merit. Indeed, it can even be argued that opinions of real weight tend to sink with barely a trace in television's ocean of banalities. - Ted Koppel, commencement address at Duke University, 1987
The double whammy of media-generated standard-of-living anxiety and debt pressure is enormously depressing. Not only do we have the tension of not reaching the lifestyle we set as our goal, we have the pressure of the debt we accumulated trying to get there. The debt makes us bitter and angry because we realize we played the part of a fool and deceived ourselves. Not only that, our relationships end up fractured.
- Patrick Morley, The Man in the Mirror, 33-34 (1997)
I have been struggling lately, particularly in the late afternoons. Last week I struggled on-and-off every day at the office. Yesterday I set a plan which included an afternoon phone call from Rod. The plan worked until 5:30. Then I was at the end of my day, tired, and not sure what to do. I made the wrong choice and spent some time surfing the internet.
These struggles are very frustrating, especially given the success of my recent time apart from Beth including the business trip to Orlando.
I have reflected on this as I pray the serenity prayer - Give me the courage to change the things I can. I think that God's grace to me during my Orlando trip shows me that I do have the power to make certain changes to my behavior. I do have the power to say no to the internet - if I have prayed about it, made a plan, and maintained contact with my accountability partners.
Now that God has gifted me with some measure of success on the road, it is up to me to respond to His call to strive for sobriety at work. I need to approach each work day with the same level of caution and reliance on God as I did while traveling. And for that I need help from all of you:
+ please pray for me that I may find the grace to maintain sobriety until our next meeting.
+ I am committed to calling each of you once a day; please hold me accountable.
+ let me hear from you as well - "it is not good for man to be alone."
Their own private life gets to be like a rat race.
- Christopher Morley, Kitty Foyle (1939)
Like a rat in a maze, the path before me lies. And the pattern never alters, until the rat dies.
- Simon & Garfunkel
Do you know anyone who has ever won the rat race? This question deserves more than a chuckle, because, upon reflection, most of us will have to acknowledge we really don't know anyone who has.
If that's the case, then why do we compete in an unwinnable race?
- Patrick Morley, The Man in the Mirror, 22 (1997)
It has - once again - been a while since I have blogged. Sometimes this is because I am busy. Sometimes this is because things are going smoothly and I don't have much to reflect on. But sometimes this is because things are confusing and I'm struggling and I just don't want to deal with it all. Now is one of those times.
I had a lot of stress leading into a business trip at the end of October. I was going to be on the road for four days and my wife was going to be out of town for two days prior to that. This meant I was going to be facing a very very large block of time during which I had no real accountability. And that scared me.
I had fears of binging and bottoming out through unrestricted access to internet porn. So I reached out to the Blueshirts for some help. I made a plan. And I even shared my fears with my wife. I pledged to stay sober during this time period. And I did!
I came home from my business trip with a great sense of accomplishment and lots of excitement! I did it! I went away and stayed sober!
But then I was home and the adrenaline of the white-knuckling pledge faded away. And soon I found myself acting out - gazing at internet porn while at my office. What a let down! What a struggle! What frustration!
I felt weak and useless. I felt a sense of worthlessness. I didn't feel like I could share this experience with my accountability partners. How would they react?
So I really isolated last week and it became a bad week.
This weekend I was able to get away with my wife. We traveled to Lake Superior's North Shore. Away from the office, away from cell phones, and away from the internet. It was a great weekend and I now feel refreshed, connected, and energized.
So today I start again on this off-again/on-again road to recovery. Today it is on-again. Today I made phone calls, took time for prayer, and journaled here at my blog.
And now I am leaving the office and heading home ... sober.
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