Turtle Pulse Check (09/26)

It has been an up-and-down week for this addict. After three weeks of sobriety, I have been facing daily struggles. As an alcoholic would say, it all comes down to that first drink.

During my three weeks of sobriety, I was very disciplined about not looking at anything inappropriate. I avoided channel surfing and set boundaries around any inappropriate websites. I was very deliberate about how I used my time at the office and kept focused on my work.

But last week I made the mistake of "taking the first drink." After reading an article about football on the Sports Illustrated website, I followed a link to pictures of the cheerleader of the week. That one indiscretion changed my mindset irrevocably. I did not act out that day, but I have acted out twice this week. When will I learn?

Today I am trying to get re-focused. I spent some time in prayer this morning. I contacted one of my accountability partners. I've made a mental plan on how to use my time at the office and avoid distractions whether on- or off-line.

Once again, addiction feels like a stone tied around my neck. Even when I am having good days, I don't feel fully able to enjoy them without thinking about the monster of addiction. I really want to be able to just enjoy being a person and being alive. But I always have to think about how I am going to avoid acting out.

Still ... I have lots and lots to be thankful for. I have a great wife and wonderful family. I have a job that provides for us and that I enjoy. I have the support of other men and some good friendships. I enjoy running. And if having to think about addiction is the price to pay for enjoying all of these blessing, then I am willing and happy to pay it.

Thank you all for your support!

Thank You for the Phone Brigade

Yesterday the process worked. It wasn't smooth, it wasn't easy, but it worked.

I was really struggling with being triggered yesterday. I had completed quite a bit of work and was feeling the justification to reward myself. And accessing internet pornography seemed like a good idea (???).

It wasn't a blindside. Despite 3 weeks of sobriety, I acted out last Friday and knew that I might be vulnerable this week. So I called a fellow Blueshirt on Saturday while I was in a position of strength and relative sanity. We arranged that he would call me on Monday afternoon.

And the phone call came.

"Are you in the middle of something?"

I almost had to laugh at the question. I know he was asking me whether I was caught up in a work project, but the truth was that I was minutes away from searching the internet. I was, indeed, in the middle of something.

Several things were really good about this call. 1 - I had set it up ahead of time. 2 - My fellow Blueshirt followed through. 3 - I actually answered the phone even though I knew who it was and even though I was ready to act out. 4 - I was honest with my fellow Blueshirt. 5 - He listened and gave me feedback. 6 - Knowing my vulnerable state, I asked him to call again in an hour. 7 - He DID call me again in an hour. 8 - I DID NOT ACT OUT!!!




Yesterday the system worked. The phone brigade helped me to avoid a big slip. This is how it works: we focus on the things we CAN change (i.e., making phone calls, being honest). We follow through. We help each other.

Thank you, Blueshirts! Thank you for the Phone Brigade!

A Turtle's Day

This turtle is still dealing with the back-to-school transition.

No ... I'm not going back to school. But when your household includes six children who ARE going back to school, their transition becomes your transition.

For most of our children, back-to-school has been a positive experience. Bayley is a senior this year. Braxton is a freshman and happy to be out of the house after his battle with cancer. Zoe is in fifth grade - the top class at her elementary. Gretchen is in fourth grade and having fun. And Emma just started kindergarten! Bayley, Braxton, and Zoe are all tired - still adjusting to getting up early. Braxton is struggling with some of his math homework. And Emma tells us each day after school that "it was the best day ever!"

Then there is Paul. For Paul, everything is a challenge. Paul has been diagnosed as having Asperger's and really struggles with certain aspects of school. He is very very smart - there is nothing in school that he doesn't understand. But he struggles with writing, struggles with pencils, and struggles with focus.

Last year he lost complete focus in the classroom. If the students were given time to work on assignments, Paul just "zoned out" and did nothing. So he had lots and lots and lots of homework.

This year he seems more willing to focus, but he can easily be "shut down" from frustration. He had one of those days yesterday.

I talked to Paul about his whole school day yesterday:

First period was Good. He had gym and they played ultimate frisbee. It was a little boring.

Second period was Good. He had art class and they were working on a project involving their folders.

Third period was Good. It was science.

Lunch and recess were Good.

Fourth period was Bad. He had social science. The class was fine, but his pencil broke and he didn't have an extra one with him. He zoned out.

Fifth period was Bad. It was math. Paul likes math and is good at math, but he was still frustrated by his pencil - even though he had others in his desk. He zoned out.

Sixth period was Bad. Language arts. He was still mad about his pencil. He zoned out.

I wish I could help him. It's hard to see him lose half a day out of frustration. There's got to be a way to help him move forward. I wish I had an answer - but unfortunately, I'm kind of the same way.

Any suggestions?

Turtle Pulse Check (09/09)

I have been experiencing some stress and isolation as I transition to a new work schedule and changes at work. In addition to the recent transition to bussing and the changes to my schedule brought on by the new school year, my employer has now added a filter to our work computer system that prevents access to personal e-mail accounts. I am slowly becoming aware of how much I relied on e-mail for doing personal check-ins and connecting with the outside world.

Here is my check-in for this morning:


FEELINGS

Today I feel grateful, focused, isolated, and happy.


ISSUES

Maintaining focus at work.


NEEDS

I need to make phone calls and find other ways to reach out. No isolation!

A Turtle's Day

This turtle is still learning about the bus system.

Each bus in the morning starts at a different place at Rosedale. Some start in the parking lot and others start at a little pavement island over at the "Transit Station." No matter where they start they also stop at the bus stop. So I could make it easy on myself by always heading over to the bus stop. But sometimes the morning bus is full and there aren't many seats left if I wait at the bus stop.

Today I wasn't really sure where the early bus started, so I waited at the bus stop. The bus was fairly crowded and I got a seat in the hub section that connects the two busses. This was fine until it was time to get off. When your stop is approaching, you're supposed to pull a cord to signal the driver that you want to stop. But there is no cord on the hub section. So I had to get up and walk while the bus was still moving.

Then I said, "Stop please!"
"Right here?" the driver answered.
"Yes."

And I got off and walked to the office.


The evenings are a challenge, too. Matching the bus schedule to what actually happens has been difficult. The busses run frequently enough that it doesn't matter most of the time. Typically I will head out early for one bus and actually manage to catch the earlier bus (which is running behind). Since I always have a book with me, I don't worry about having to wait for the bus.

But yesterday was the first time I had to catch a particular bus because of an obligation at home. I needed to catch the 5:15 so I could be at the Kindergarten Parents' Meeting at 6:00. The schedule says that the bus is supposed to be at 2nd & 7th at 5:15. I catch the bus 4 blocks later at 2nd & 3rd. I left my office at 5:10 and was approaching my stop at 5:12 when I saw the bus go by. It was early!!

Things would still be ok. I just needed to get on the 5:40 bus and I would be a few minutes late. But here confusion entered. I knew that there were busses that went to Rosedale and other busses that went to the Roseville OVAL. What was the distinction? 260 vs. 261 or 260 vs. 260B. I couldn't remember. A 260B came and I assumed it was the wrong bus. I was wrong and so I watched my 5:40 bus pass me by. So I sat at the bus stop until 6:10 and came home in frustration.

I don't mind the waiting. I am reading a good book and the time went by fast. But I had made a commitment and it is very frustrating to miss something that you have said you would attend. And I really wanted to be there!! How much more fun could there be than going to your little one's first school parent meeting!!

Oh well. Eventually I'll get it all figured out. In the meantime I'll just enjoy the ride!

Note to Blueshirts

Hello, Blueshirts:

It is definitely a time of transition and I am feeling it in many ways.

The kids all went back to school this week. Emma started kindergarten and so my morning routines have taken a big jolt. I am now involved in taking both Emma and Zoe to school a couple of days a week. Unfortunately, school for them doesn't start until 9:15am and I am taking a bus to work now. There is a 9:30 bus, but it means I don't get to the office until 10:00 on those days. Although I've cleared all of this with my supervisor, I can tell there is some resistance to the idea. So I am definitely feeling some extra stress with this change.

I also have not really adjusted to my new office space at work. I have a nicer office than before, but one that is more isolated in location. I am slowly beginning to realize how much I have relied on others stopping by to give me some socialization during the work day. That simply isn't happening now. So I am feeling a bit lonely at the office and need to figure out how to be proactive about reaching out.

I have had a good week for sobriety. No acting out last weekend or so far this week.