Stumbled ...

Last week was one long stumble for the addict. Twenty-seven days of sobriety capped off by one, long, miserable, shaming stumble.

My sponsor went out of town last week. More than just out of town, he left the country and was not even reachable by cell phone.

We sat down before he left and put together a plan. My sponsor was going on a cruise with his wife, but since a cruise ship had been an opportunity to act out in the past, we thought it was important to put together a plan. A plan for my sponsor.

Nobody thought about a plan for me. I wasn't doing anything unusual. Another week at work with lots to do and no travel to worry about.

I guess I needed a plan ...

On Tuesday I was triggered. I don't remember exactly what the trigger was. I may have seen a picture of a particularly attractive woman.

I was also stressed. I have a lot going on at work now. Although I am really happy about the additional work, it still causes stress. I was triggered and stressed.

And I was careless. With my sponsor out of town, I didn't do as much to stay connected with other addicts. I didn't choose another partner to check in with each day. I simply relied on my 27 days of sobriety to keep me going.

I was triggered. I was stressed. I was careless.

I acted out.

I viewed pornography on the internet while at my office on Tuesday last week. My sponsor was out of town and I did the same thing on Wednesday. I repeated the process on Thursday and Friday. By the end of the week I was all addict and no sobriety. It was sad.

My sponsor is back now. I have disclosed my acting out. I will meet with him and my fellow Blueshirts tonight. I want to get started anew on the path to healing.

Help me, Lord!