Turtle Pulse Check (03/24)

FEELINGS

Today I feel hopeful, grateful, anxious, and lonely.


ISSUES

With Braxton home from the hospital, I am at the office for a full day for the first time since March 14th. Now I face the issues of keeping up at work while remaining available to Braxton and the rest of the family. Also, focusing at work is more difficult.


NEEDS

I need to re-discover how to surrender myself and my issues to Christ. In this time of crisis, I have withdrawn from God and tried to become self-reliant. It's not working. I am too weak for such things. I need Christ.


CHECK-IN

Life as an addict has been dicey lately. My addict is very good at the game of justification and Braxton's cancer has fed the beast. "You should act out to relieve stress. You deserve it and it will be better for your family because then you can be more present to them. Go ahead. Act out!"

Fortunately, I have not acted out. But that has been more due to my increased responsibilities and commitment and not so much due to my personal strength. Still, whatever the source, sobriety is a gift to be welcomed.

Note to Blueshirts

Good morning, Brothers:

We had more good news on Braxton yesterday. He had a PET scan to determine how much the cancer had spread through his blood system and the results show that it is localized to his right leg. Today he is checking into the hospital and having surgery to insert a catheter-port underneath the skin on his chest. This port will be used for his chemo treatments. They will also extract some bone marrow and do a spinal tap to make sure that the cancer has not entered these areas.

I am experiencing a wide mix of feelings: sadness, stress, gratefulness, helplessness, anxiety. I am very grateful for Braxton's prognosis and that everything is moving forward now. I am stressed with trying to work and take care of the rest of the family while Beth spends time with Braxton at the hospital. My employer has been very flexible and has told me to take as much time as I need, but I have projects that I want to keep moving. Damn stubborn addict!!!

I have been all over my middle circle these past several days -- channel surfing, fantasizing, noticing women. I keep wondering how these thoughts can be in my head when so much serious stuff is happening. My addict keeps telling me that I need to act out to cope with all this stress. "Go ahead," says my addict, "You deserve to take care of yourself."

All I can do is cry out, "Help me, Lord!"

Thank you brothers for all of your support. It is good not to have to isolate.

Prayer Needed

Fellow Blueshirts:

I am breaking "radio silence" to let you know that our family needs prayer. The radio silence is the result of a relapse to acting out last week on Thursday and Friday. Unfortunately, something bigger has come along to break the silence.

Last Friday our family learned that Braxton (my 14-yr old step son) has cancer. After a weekend of tremendous fear and worry, we had a chance to meet with doctors yesterday and learn more about it.

Braxton has been diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma, a type of blood cancer that is more prevalent among children than adults. While the medical field has very little understanding of the cause of this type of cancer, how the disease acts is well understood and very effective treatments have been developed.

The good news is that Braxton has a good prognosis. There is a strong likelihood that his cancer will be completely removed within a year. But of course there are no certainties.

While the prognosis is good, hard times lay ahead for our family. Braxton will begin a course of chemotherapy this Wednesday. He will be hospitalized until early next week. And, what is really hard for him, he will be out of school for at least a month. So he will be missing friends, sports, and all the things that make up a normal life for a fourteen year old boy.

Please pray for Braxton to find strength and peace during this time of treatment. Please pray that Beth and I will be able to be good shepherds over Braxton and the rest of the family during this time. It is very very very hard to see your children get sick. It is harder to surrender the health of your children to God than it is to surrender yourself to God. Please pray that we will continue to trust in Christ and seek only to do his will during this time.

Thank you, Brothers!

Recovery - An Inch at a Time

"Victory is won not in miles but in inches. Win a little now, hold your ground, and later win a little more."
--Louis L'Amour

How much fuller each day feels when we can be patient and accept the inches we have progressed. Yet, we are aware of large problems which require miles of progress. We may want others in our lives to change quickly, we may be impatient with a work situation, or we may feel angry about an addiction.

Perhaps the spiritual message to us is we need to surrender to time. We are on the road moving in the direction of recovery. The forces of progress are at work. Our growth now may come in learning patience and trusting this process. Looking back we might see a mile of progress. It was made an inch at a time.

Today, I will accept my progress. There are many rewards already.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.

A Moment With the Chatty Chatty Princess

The sidewalks were icy when I dropped the Chatty Chatty Princess ("CCP") off at pre-school this morning. The CCP noticed some salt on the sidewalk and asked, "What's that white stuff on the ground?"

"That's salt," I replied. "We put salt on the ground to melt the ice so that the sidewalk's not slippery."

"Oh," she said. "Well then we should get lots of salt and put it on the ground everywhere so that the snow will melt and spring can come!"

Note to Blueshirts

Greetings, Blueshirts:

I always feel better after we have had our meeting. Checking-in, getting feedback, listening to others, all help put my struggle in perspective. It is never as bad as I think it is; yet I will always need help from others. Thanks!

I feel a great since of relief this week. With Rod, my sponsor, out-of-town last week I really struggled. I didn't put any fences in place to protect against wandering while my closest accountability partner was away. With no positive work on my side, I felt enslaved by my lusts, temptations, and fantasies.

This week things are better. The lusts, temptations, and fantasies are still there, but I am not alone. And that makes all the difference in the world.

So thank you, brothers, for making yourselves available to me and holding me accountable. Thank you for not abandoning me. Alone, I stand no chance against my addict. But with your help a nd the help of Christ, my addict stands no chance against me.

Stumbled ...

Last week was one long stumble for the addict. Twenty-seven days of sobriety capped off by one, long, miserable, shaming stumble.

My sponsor went out of town last week. More than just out of town, he left the country and was not even reachable by cell phone.

We sat down before he left and put together a plan. My sponsor was going on a cruise with his wife, but since a cruise ship had been an opportunity to act out in the past, we thought it was important to put together a plan. A plan for my sponsor.

Nobody thought about a plan for me. I wasn't doing anything unusual. Another week at work with lots to do and no travel to worry about.

I guess I needed a plan ...

On Tuesday I was triggered. I don't remember exactly what the trigger was. I may have seen a picture of a particularly attractive woman.

I was also stressed. I have a lot going on at work now. Although I am really happy about the additional work, it still causes stress. I was triggered and stressed.

And I was careless. With my sponsor out of town, I didn't do as much to stay connected with other addicts. I didn't choose another partner to check in with each day. I simply relied on my 27 days of sobriety to keep me going.

I was triggered. I was stressed. I was careless.

I acted out.

I viewed pornography on the internet while at my office on Tuesday last week. My sponsor was out of town and I did the same thing on Wednesday. I repeated the process on Thursday and Friday. By the end of the week I was all addict and no sobriety. It was sad.

My sponsor is back now. I have disclosed my acting out. I will meet with him and my fellow Blueshirts tonight. I want to get started anew on the path to healing.

Help me, Lord!