The Ectothermic Turtle

This has been a good week for the addict. I feel as if I have received the gift of sobriety. I feel at peace with myself and my heart feels softened. I am a grateful recovering addict.

Two weeks ago I spoiled my wedding anniversary by selfishly acting out in my addiction. When I came home, I disclosed all. I disclosed not only that I had acted out that day, but that I had been acting out regularly, that I was not as far down the road to recovery as my wife hoped.

My wife challenged me. She asked where the accountability was in my program. I couldn't give her a good answer.

I took these concerns to my recovery group. We all agreed that we had not pushed each other enough on accountability. We decided to make a change. We agreed to be more proactive in the recovery of other members of the group. We acknowledged that each of our own conditions of sobriety had an impact on the recovery of others. There is a lot at stake.

Since then I have experienced sobriety as a gift. It does not feel as if I have acquired or earned it. Sobriety has been freely granted to me. How can this be?





LOOK AT THE TURTLE

I have called myself a turtle since I am so wont to withdraw at the slightest hint of controversy or confrontation. When the going gets tough, I hide in my shell. So I have been looking at the positive and negatives of turtles as a metaphor for recovery.

One thing I have learned about turtles is that they are ectothermic. That is, turtles are cold-blooded; they rely on their environment to regulate body temperature. Heat for their body must come from an outside source.

My hopes for healing from addiction must, in a sense, also be ectothermic. I have admitted that I am powerless over my addictive behavior and that my life is unmanageable when I try to control it. In order to heal, I must look outside of myself.

The turtle looks first to its immediate environment, and ultimately to the sun for sources of body heat. I must look first to my immediate environment and ultimately to the Son -- my higher power -- for sources of healing and recovery.

When I disclosed to my wife two weeks ago, my environment changed. I took down walls that kept me emotionally isolated from her. I turned to my brothers in recovery for more strength and accountability. And I prayed, prayed, prayed. I surrendered to my Higher Power for help.

And, at least for now, the gift of sobriety is here. It comes not from within, but from without. I am the addict and I am the turtle. The good things in life come ectothermically!