The Insane Jerk Reflects - Step 8

As the addict continues to ponder his road rage incident, step 8 has repeatedly come to mind:

"Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."


The addict knows that he acted wrongly in the course of the "incident." The addict knows that he has no one to blame but himself for his wrong actions. And yet, when the addict replays the scenario in his head, more often than not he is thinking of what he could have said to come out on top in the conflict. What zinger could he have uttered to make everyone agree that he, the addict, was right and all others were wrong.

But now the addict is thinking about the eighth step. Especially the part that reads "became willing to make amends."

The addict knows he needs to acknowledge his own faults, he needs to acknowledge the wrongs that he committed which led to the incident. The addict knows that he is called on by Christ to forgive any wrong which may have been done to him. But would the addict be willing to make amends?

The question is somewhat academic since the addict doesn't know the person that he confronted and is extremely unlikely ever to see this individual again. But what would the addict do if he did meet this individual again? Would he make amends (i.e., would he apologize for his awords and actions) or would he want to continue the argument and make sure the other person realized what his wrongs were entering the situation?

When the addict thinks (fantasizes?) about meeting this individual again, he tends to think about continuing the argument and proving himself right. But this is not what he is called to do. Both his faith and his model for recovery call on him to acknowledge his own fault and nothing more. Make amends, take responsibility, and move forward.

And none of this is conditioned on the other's response. He could accept the addict's apology. He might even make his own apology. Or he could just tell the addict off and belittle the addict. The addict need not take any of this into account. In terms of the Serenity Prayer, these are among the things the addict cannot control.

But the addict can control his own response. He can choose to acknowledge his wrongdoing and offer apologies. And he can grow by taking these affirmative steps regardless of how they are received.

So as the addict continues to reflect on this incident, he will try to imagine making amends. He will prepare himself mentally for the day when he can make amends. He cannot control whether that opportunity will come, but he can choose to prepare himself nonetheless.

So to the motorist who experienced the misplaced wrath of the addict on Halloween night, I apologize. I was wrong to approach your car and I was wrong to say the things that I said. I apologize and I wish you peace.