Holidazzled Addict

This year's Thanksgiving Holiday included a chance for the addict to march in a parade. On Friday evening, the addict, his sister, and four of their children participated in the Holidazzle Parade in downtown Minneapolis.




The Holidazzle is a fun parade event serving the interests of local commerce. The parade was started 15 years ago by downtown merchants wishing to attract more holiday shoppers to the downtown shopping district.

Although the parade is motivated by business dollars, it can be a tremendously fun family event. This is especially true because the parade runs five nights a week from Thanksgiving through Christmas. With so many evenings to fill, families have the opportunity to become prade participants which can be even more fun than being a spectator.

This was the first time the addict took part in the parade. It was a perfect time to make a debut as it was the night after Thanksgiving and the weather was unusually warm (55 degrees in November!).



So if you were in downtown Minneapolis this past Friday evening, you may have seen the addict.

Thought for the Day

Instead of pretending to be perfectionists ... we are content if we are making progress. The main thing is to be growing. We realize that perfectionism is only a result of false pride and an excuse to save our faces. [As addicts] we are willing to make mistakes and to stumble, provided we are always stumbling forward. We are not so interested in what we are as in what we are becoming. We are on the way, not at the goal. And we will be on the way as long as we live. No [addict] has ever "arrived." But we are getting better.

--"Twenty-Four Hours a Day," November 24th (Hazelden)

The Addict Gives Thanks - For Struggle!

The addict started his day today by giving some thought to Thanksgiving. For what is the addict thankful in 2006? The addict is thankful for many things, but the first answer to come to mind is a little surprising.

More than anything else this year, the addict is thankful for his ongoing struggle with addiction.





How can this be? Wouldn't one rather be thankful for having such a struggle removed from one's life? Isn't healing the goal here?

Last year if the addict had been reflecting on things to give thanks for, the struggle with addiction would probably not have been on the list. Of course this struggle might have been near the top of the addict's list of resentments, but not on the list for giving thanks.

What has changed? Why is the addict now prepared to give thanks for the struggle? Thanks for the failure to achieve sobriety? Thanks for the ongoing shame and humiliation?

The answer can be encapsulated in a single word: SURRENDER.

If you have been reading these pages recently, you know that surrender has been a recurring theme. Surrender looms on the horizon of this long and winding road traversed by the addict. Surrender is both the beginning and the end of hope.

The addict has, in the past, reflected on the 3-step dance of recovery:

(i) acknowledge powerlessness ("I need help"), (ii) acknowledge that there is one who has power to help the addict (there is a higher power); (iii) ask that higher power for help ("surrender").

The addict has also lamented the unending cycle involved in this 3-step dance. More, the addict has lamented his inability to truly surrender. Lack of complete surrender is what leads to the endless cycle.

The addict has also expressed frustration at being a Christian and yet still falling victim to the viscious cycle of addiction. If addiction leads to shame, this seems to be doubly so for one had already claimed to have turned his life over to a higher power. And if surrender seems impossible, this also seems doubly true for one who thought he had already surrendered.

So where in all this frustration does the addict find cause for thanksgiving?

Perhaps the addict is finally beginning to see the light. Although a Christian--and a very sincere Christian at that--the addict has finally come to understand that he has never truly surrendered his will to the God he claims to worship. Pride has encouraged the addict to acknowledge God as savior, but not as lord. Instead, the addict has relied on his own intellect to be the true lord of his life.

Only the ongoing struggle with something as baffling and powerful as addiction has been able to reveal to the addict that there is more to surrender than just acknowledging God with one's lips. Surrender means truly giving up the right to say what is right, to truly give up the need to make decisions and take responsibility for the world around me. Surrender is the final, all-out acknowledgment that God is bigger than I am and that He has the power to do what I can't.

Finally, the addict has reached the end of his rope. After repeating the cycle of addiction over and over and over and over the addict can no longer believe in even the remotest corners of his being that he has the power to over come this. To be healed from addiction, the addict must surrender to a higher power. And now, finally, the addict is ready.

I SURRENDER!

And you know what? There has been more peace and liberation in this process of complete surrender than the addict ever thought possible. The addict feels as if he is becoming a new creation. It is as if he is coming to believe for the very first time.

Surrender. What a gift! What a blessing!

But without the on-going struggle of addiction, the addict would not have arrived at surrender.

And so the addict gives thanks for a year of struggle!

A Word for the Day

"If a man shuts his ears to the
cry of the poor,
he too will cry out and not be
answered."

---Proverbs 21:13

Purpose Driven Life: Day 10

THE HEART OF WORSHIP




POINT TO PONDER:

The heart of worship is surrender.


VERSE TO REMEMBER:

"Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness." [Romans 6:13]


RICK WARREN'S THOUGHTS:

Offering yourself to God is what worship is all about.

There are three barriers that block our TOTAL surrender to God:

i. fear;
ii. pride; and
iii. confusion.

FEAR - CAN I TRUST GOD?

Trust is an essential ingredient to surrender. You won't surrender to God unless you trust him, but you can't trust him until you know him better. Fear keeps us from surrendering, but love casts out all fear. The more you realize how much God loves you, the easier surrender becomes.

PRIDE - ADMITTING LIMITATIONS

We don't want to admit that we're just creatures and not in charge of everything. It's the oldest temptation: "you will be like God." [Gen 3:5]

We accept our humanity intellectually, but not emotionally. When faced with our own limitations, we react with irritation, anger, and resentment.

CONFUSION - WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO SURRENDER?

"Surrender is best demonstrated in obedience and trust."

Surrender is not the best way to live, it is the only way to live. Nothing else works. All other approaches lead to frustration, disappointment, and self-destruction.


D-MONK'S THOUGHTS:

Today's reflection in the Purpose Driven Life hits home for D-Monk. Surrender has been held in his heart as the key to recovery. But so many questions. Surrender what? And surrender to whom?

One of the blessings of addiction (once the addict has "bottomed out") is a willingness to admit your powerlessness. Life has clearly become unmanageable. And when an addict sees where his own decision making power has taken him, he is ready to overcome those first two hurdles to surrender -- fear and pride.

Fear is a very real hurdle to surrender. For years the addict acknowledged God with his mind, but did not want to surrender decision making to any power other than himself. Surrender to God might lead to a good life, but would it be full? Would God take away the right to enjoy pleasures that so many other seemingly good people get to enjoy? Perhaps acknowledging God with my lips will be sufficient and I can make my own decisions which will lead to a good life.

When the addict has reached bottom, he knows that he can no longer make all of the decisions needed to live a good life. He no longer fears surrender.

The same is true for pride. The addict could never acknowledge that God, no matter how great God might be, could truly know better than the addict what decisions were good for his life. Total surrender seemed foolish when the addict was so intelligent and self-aware. But again, bottoming out helps the addict past this hurdle. Pride is gone when addiction has become your heart's ruler. Surrender becomes more possible.

And so there is the last hurdle mentione by Rick Warren -- confusion. How do we surrender? Alas, it is this seemingly most simple question that proves the most difficult, at least for this addict.

D-Monk's thoughts at this time are really as follows: (i) the addict is ready and willing to surrender control of his life over to God (as he understands God); (ii) the addict is unsure exactly how to do this, but (iii) the addict is trying every day to do this. The time has come for surrender and the addict is ready.

A Day in the Life of the Addict

Today the addict was scheduled to give a presentation to 50 financial planning professionals. Here's how it went ...

***********************************************************

I arrived in plenty of time. I had my computer with the presentation on it, a
projector from work, and a remote from work. I also came with some simple
handouts. I realized on the way in that I had forgotten to print out copies of
a form that I wanted to hand out. Oh well.

I checked in and went to the front of the room to set up my equipment.

Plugged in and started the computer. Check.
Set up and focused projector. Check.
Plugged computer into projector. Check.
Got presentation up on screen. Check.
Toggled F7 switch so that I could have the presentation up on the big screen and
on my computer at the same time. Problem ...



I couldn't get the presentation to show up on my computer - only up on the big
screen. After a few minutes I gave up figuring at least everyone in the audience could see it even if it would be more difficult for me.

Tried out the remote control to advance the powerpoint presentation slides.
Problem ...

The computer seemed unwilling to recognize the hardware for the remote. Oh
well, at least the presentation was up on the big screen where everyone could
see it. So I decided just to go have breakfast and not sweat the details.

About fifteen minutes before the presentation, I thought I might be able to fix
the screen problem if I rebooted the computer with the projector already plugged
in.

Computer reboot. Check.
Password entry. Problem ...

On reboot the computer wouldn't take my password. The program director was
telling me we were going to start in a few minutes. I just nodded. I'll reboot
again.

Computer reboot. Check.
Password entry. Problem ...



So now I am getting nervous. In my desire to have the best possible set-up
(presentation on both computer and big screen), I had potentially screwed up
everything. The computer was not accepting my password. If I couldn't get it to accept my password then I would
have no presentation at all. Nothing. Zip. Zero. Zilch!!!

Slow ... deep ... breath.
Acknowledge powerlessness.
Surrender.

Then I realized that the number-lock key was on and this was interfering with my
password!

Number-lock key off. Check.
Computer reboot. Check.
Password entry. Accepted.
Presentation on computer screen. Check
Presentation on big screen. Check.

And then I was already being introduced ... Whew!

**************************************************



Aint technology great!!

Purpose Driven Life: Day 9

WHAT MAKES GOD SMILE?





POINT TO PONDER:

God smiles when I trust him.


VERSE TO REMEMBER:

"The LORD takes pleasure in those who fear him, in those who hope in his steadfast love." [Psalm 147:11]


RICK WARREN'S THOUGHTS:

**God smiles when we LOVE him supremely**

Jesus said, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment." [Matt 22:37-38]

God deeply loves you and desires your love in return. He longs for you to know him and spend time with him. This is why learning to love God and be loved by him should be the greatest objective of your life.

**God smiles when we TRUST him completely**

"By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that is in keeping with faith." [Heb 11:7]

Trusting God is an act of worship.

**God smiles when we obey him WHOLEHEARTEDLY**

Jesus said, "If you love me, keep my commands." [John 14:15]

God doesn't owe you an explanation or reason for everything he asks you to do. Understanding can wait, but obedience can't. Instant obedience will teach you more about God than a lifetime of Bible discussions. In fact, you will never understand some commands until you obey them first. Obedience unlocks understanding.

**God smiles when we praise and thank him CONTINUALLY**

**God smiles when we USE our abilities**

When you live in the light of eternity, your focus changes from "How much pleasure am I getting out of life?" to "How much pleasure is God getting out of my life?"


D-MONK'S THOUGHTS:

According to Warren, God smiles when we love him, when we trust him, when we obey him, when we thank him, and when we use the abilities he has given us.

For me, the greatest difficulties are presented by LOVING God and OBEYING God.

What does it mean to love God? One part of this seems to be understanding and acknowledging WHO God is. God is the Creator and giver of life. God is the one who the world revolves around--not me. My life is a GIFT from God an I will enjoy it more when I acknowledge this truth.

How about trusting and obeying God? This is extremely difficult for one as prideful as myself. The addict assumes that he has superior intellect and wants to subject all commands to that intellect to appraise whether the commands are reasonable.

But the truth is that I will never understand God's commands until I try to obey them. God's commands are based on relationship--not on a hollow construct of intellectual principles. To understand the commands, I must willingly enter into relationship with God.

D-Monk has a long, long way to go down the road of obedience, but he is ready to try. I am ready to surrender to relationship with God.

I believe, God, help me in my unbelief!

Purpose Driven Life: Day 8

POINT TO PONDER:

I was planned for God's pleasure.


VERSE TO REMEMBER:

"For the LORD takes pleasure in his people." [Psalm 149:4a]


RICK WARREN'S THOUGHTS:

This is the first of five purposes discussed in "The Purpose Driven Life."

Bringing enjoyment to God, living for his pleasure, is the first purpose of your life. When you fully understand this truth, you will never again have a problem with feeling insignificant. It proves your worth. If you are that important to God, and he considers you valuable enough to keep with him for eternity, what greater significance could you have?

Bringing pleasure to God is called WORSHIP.

And it is important to remember that worship is not for my benefit, it is for God's benefit! When we wroship, our goal is to bring pleasure to God, not to ourselves.

Finally, worship is not meant to be a part of life, it IS life.

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." [1 Cor. 10:31]


D-MONK'S THOUGHTS:

It takes a radical turn of thought to grasp the fact that we were made for God's pleasure. I am very used to looking at each day and determining what to do with it for MY pleasure. I tend to think that each day, and life as a whole, is all about me. And I tend to follow a course of events and decisions that make myself feel isolated and shallow.

Turning the focus of each day to God's pleasure offers great hope. When I live each moment, no matter howe simple or routine, and offer it to God, days become meaningful. Every task is infused with meaning so long as I am performing the task not for myself, but for the greater glory of God.

Isolationism

It was a good weekend for the addict. It was a hard weekend and a good weekend.

For a number of weeks now, the addict has been feeling very isolated. Not just isolated, but VERY isolated. The addict marveled to himself about how isolated one could feel on a plane full of people, or at an office full of co-workers, or even at home.



Isolation is, of course, one of the tools the addict uses to "protect" himself. If threatened, the addict will throw up walls or withdraw into his super-strength addict turtle shell. To prevent being hurt, the addict will withdraw from anyone who might love him. But, of course, the addict will then be deprived of love, joy, and happiness as well (but at least he won't feel hurt!).

But this type of isolation doesn't seem to explain the addict's recent experiences of feeling isolated and alone. So far as the addict can recall, there has been no serious threat to the addict which would cause him to withdraw or isolate. But there is no doubt that the isolation has been there.

What up?

After a heart-to-heart discussion with his beautiful and beloved betrothed over the weekend, the addict thinks he may have stumbled across an answer. The addict has been using the internet as a resource and a tool for sharing his recovery and his feelings about life, work, and recovery. The addict has become a regular participant on a number of discussion forums, and a member of the web community "Stumble Upon." The addict came to these places as a means of self-disclosure and self-exploration.

Since the addict has always had difficulties expressing feelings and emotions, he turned to the web as a possible way of overcoming these struggles. The web had places where the addict could feel safe. He found other like-minded people and many other sensitive people who would listen to his story and encourage him along his way. And this was good.

The goal was for these tool to provide a supplement to the addict's recovery and encourage the addict to grow socially. What ended up happening was that the addict found an outlet for his emotions and struggles and the internet became a substitute instead of a supplement.

Rather than adding to the depth of the addict's emotional experience, the internet shrunk it. Because when the addict was able to share his stories on-line, he no longer sought or attempted to share them with loved ones in his "real" life.

Sadly, the addict didn't even notice this was happening. He noticed that he was feeling isolated, but the explanation did not occur to him. Not until he was confronted by his beloved betrothed did the addict realize that he was withdrawing from his loved ones.



But his beloved betrothed was there. She came to him and had the courage and love to confront him. Where are you, addict? she lamented. What are you feeling? Why aren't you sharing? And she had the courage to share her concerns even though the addict might respond by withdrawing further.

The addict is grateful for the love of the betrothed. What a wonder she is!

Thankyou, Beloved, for the ways that you love the addict. Thankyou, Betrothed, for your courage and encouragement!

The Insane Jerk Reflects - Step 8

As the addict continues to ponder his road rage incident, step 8 has repeatedly come to mind:

"Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."


The addict knows that he acted wrongly in the course of the "incident." The addict knows that he has no one to blame but himself for his wrong actions. And yet, when the addict replays the scenario in his head, more often than not he is thinking of what he could have said to come out on top in the conflict. What zinger could he have uttered to make everyone agree that he, the addict, was right and all others were wrong.

But now the addict is thinking about the eighth step. Especially the part that reads "became willing to make amends."

The addict knows he needs to acknowledge his own faults, he needs to acknowledge the wrongs that he committed which led to the incident. The addict knows that he is called on by Christ to forgive any wrong which may have been done to him. But would the addict be willing to make amends?

The question is somewhat academic since the addict doesn't know the person that he confronted and is extremely unlikely ever to see this individual again. But what would the addict do if he did meet this individual again? Would he make amends (i.e., would he apologize for his awords and actions) or would he want to continue the argument and make sure the other person realized what his wrongs were entering the situation?

When the addict thinks (fantasizes?) about meeting this individual again, he tends to think about continuing the argument and proving himself right. But this is not what he is called to do. Both his faith and his model for recovery call on him to acknowledge his own fault and nothing more. Make amends, take responsibility, and move forward.

And none of this is conditioned on the other's response. He could accept the addict's apology. He might even make his own apology. Or he could just tell the addict off and belittle the addict. The addict need not take any of this into account. In terms of the Serenity Prayer, these are among the things the addict cannot control.

But the addict can control his own response. He can choose to acknowledge his wrongdoing and offer apologies. And he can grow by taking these affirmative steps regardless of how they are received.

So as the addict continues to reflect on this incident, he will try to imagine making amends. He will prepare himself mentally for the day when he can make amends. He cannot control whether that opportunity will come, but he can choose to prepare himself nonetheless.

So to the motorist who experienced the misplaced wrath of the addict on Halloween night, I apologize. I was wrong to approach your car and I was wrong to say the things that I said. I apologize and I wish you peace.

Today's Addict: An Insane Jerk!

It's always hard to be an addict, but some days it is harder than others. That has been the experience of this addict recently.

Addicts always have a tendency to live on the border of insanity and being complete jerks, and some days this is more true than others. That has been the experience of the addict lately.

Today the addict will share in embarrassing detail an "incident" that took place last night. The addict shares this experience out of sheer frustration. Out of the hope that bringing the addict's own embarrassing behavior to light will help the addict to grow and become a better person in the future. In short, the addict shares this story as a lost cry for help.

The addict has been on a binge recently. He has acted out with regularity and this has caused a loss of productivity at work and a general mood of resentment at other times. The addict has been caught in a long train of rationalizations: "My behavior is really quite normal." "Life is stressful and I have to find relief somewhere." "My acting out may be bad, but I am not as bad as other addicts," etc.

And the addict went a week without taking his anti-depressants. Those who know the addict well know that this makes the addict cranky.

And this is the addict who created the "incident" last night: a frustrated addict who had been acting out to relieve stress, who was rationalizing, and who had lapsed on taking his medication leaving him as a ticking time-bomb just waiting for a trigger ... (sigh)



At about 8:00 last night the addict stopped at a gas station with his spouse and his youngest child in the car. As the addict was getting ready to leave the gas station, he found himself behind a car that had pulled up right in front of a "No Parking" sign. There was not enough room to pass the car which was blocking the route to the gas station exit. The addict's only (rational) choice was to back up and find another way out.

Of course the addict did not make the rational choice. Instead he became angered by the inconsiderate person in the high-priced SUV who was parked in a clearly marked "no parking" zone. So the addict honked his horn.

Nothing.

The addict couldn't tell if there was anyone in the high-priced SUV or not, but his anger had taken over (and on Halloween ...). So the addict got out of his car (with his wife and child inside) and went and banged on the window of the SUV. Seeing that the driver was sitting there, the addict made very exaggerated gestures indicating he should move.



The driver of the SUV got out and began telling the addict that it was not ok to bang on the window of his car to which the addict responded that it was not ok for his car to be parked there. More pleasantries were exchanged, including the addict calling into question the relative intelligence and/or education level of the SUV driver, and in the end, the addict did what he should have done in the first place -- backed his car up and found another way out.

Why didn't the addict do that to begin with? What feeds this anger and this need to become the self-appointed enforcer of the law? And why does the addict spend the rest of the night re-living the scenario? Why does the addict want so badly to have been the "victor" in his memory?

So many questions and no good answers. The addict is definitely an egotistical, self-serving, and angry individual. Obsessive and stubborn as well. The addict wants to change these behaviors, but doesn't see how.

What should the addict do?

Can anybody out there help the addict change his ways?

Oh Nature, Thou Art a Tease!

Yesterday in Minneapolis it was 67 degrees.

Today, when we will be sending our little ones out into the night for trick-or-treating, it is only 34 and windy!!

Oh, Nature, thou art a tease!!!