The Addict's Polka

Although the addict hasn't been away, he is leaving the impression to many that he is gone. He hasn't posted much lately and he hasn't been talking much. He is in one of those ruts where he has closed-down emotionally.

The addict has become so disconnected, in fact, that his wife has asked him where he has been. His emotional isolation led his wife to voice her anger last night. Are you there? Do you love me? Why won't you talk to me?

Why won't the addict talk? Why all this isolation?

These questions raise further questions:

So how is recovery going?

Not well. I have been acting out fairly consistently at work. I will go through five or seven days of sobriety, and then through three or five days of acting out. I am frustrated and shamed by this state of affairs. I often wonder if I am getting any better.



And I don't want to talk to about it. Why not?

Well, that's a hard one. Part of me says it is to protect my spouse. I know that telling her about recovery slips and addictive behavior will hurt her and I don't want to hurt her. And I am afraid that bringing more hurt will hinder my chances of moving forward.

But that is only part of the story.

The truth is I am worried that telling her will hurt me. It will hurt me because she will be angry with me and she may (although she hasn't in the past) condemn me or leave me. But it will also hurt me because I would be acknowledging my failures, out loud, to a person I love and trust. I would be admitting that I cannot control my behavior, that I cannot heal myself, that I am not in control of my life.

Deep inside me I fear this truth. I strongly feel the need to be independent and strong. I don't know if this is because I am male, or if it has to do with messages in my upbringing, or other things. But I can't stand the idea that I need to ask for help -- not at work, at home, in public, or in recovery.



Part of me tells me that asking for help means that I am weak. And yet I know cognitively that this is not true. Strong people -- strong men -- focus on what they do best and accept help from others in other areas. We are stronger together than apart. True strength is realized in relationships with others and working together. But I am too weak to realize and admit this truth. When I ask for help, I feel shame.

So where does the addict go from here?



The addict needs to go back to the beginning, to the first three steps:

STEP ONE

"We admitted we were powerless over our addictive behavior--that our lives had become unmanageable."

STEP TWO

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

STEP THREE

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God."


Yes, the addict needs to return to the original three-step dance: (i) I need help, (ii) there is a power that can help me; (iii) I will make a decision to accept help from this power.



It's the addict's polka--and a powerful polka it can be!

So here I am, an addict.

Help!

I cannot heal myself.

I am weak, but I am not alone.

Help!