One More Stumble, One More Cost

From time to time the addict blogs about the costs of addiction. Today the addict adds an entirely new, and entirely unexpected, item to that tally of costs: one lost marathon.

The addict was registered to run Grandma's Marathon in Duluth, Minnesota this past weekend. The addict has been training and was ready to go. But then, just two days before the race, came another stumble with addiction. A stumble which produced unexpected results.

Thursday should have been an ordinary day at work for the addict. It should also have been a day free from the perils of acting out. The addict had plenty of work to do, was enjoying his work, and was scheduled to leave the office early to pick up the Chatty Chatty Princess from pre-school. No extended periods of boredom and distractibility were on the addict's radar. Life, and the day, had purpose and meaning. And the Chatty Chatty Princess stood at the end of the day.

But the addict has been lazy lately -- lazy and careless. The addict has toyed with borderline behaviors and started to believe -- against all the evidence -- that his behaviors could be managed, that he could control the consequences of his addiction.

As usual, the addict was wrong.

What's the addict's definition of insanity? Doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.

Once again, for those of you who haven't already figured it out, THE ADDICT IS INSANE!!

Thursday afternoon presented the briefest of pauses from work and the addict was distracted by a thought. The addict, once again, insanely, felt that the thought could be explored without the usual consequences of addiction. But of course, this mere attempt to explore the possibility of acting out led to full-blown acting out.

Soon the addict was swept up into the full fury of his addictive behavior. The afternoon started to speed by. The time for leaving to pick up the Chatty Chatty Princess came and went. Still the addict kept on acting out.

Pre-school closes at 5:30. It takes the addict 25 minutes to get home on a good day.

4:15 ... still acting out.

4:30 ... still acting out.

4:45 ... still acting out.

What will happen if the addict doesn't get to pre-school before it closes? Will they tell his wife? What will his daughter think about Daddy getting there late? Who else will the addict disappoint?

4:50 ... still acting out.

4:55 ... the addict finishes his insane behavior.

What am I doing? What have I done? How could I do this when my youngest, the Chatty Chatty Princess is relying on me? Why am I doing this at all?

The addict shut off his computer, grabbed his things and ran out the door.

Maybe I can make it if I hurry ... Maybe I can manage the consequences ... Maybe ...

DAMN IT!!! THERE ARE NO MAYBIES AND YOU KNOW IT!!!

The addict is running for his car. The addict is wearing flimsy sandals, and is wrecklessly running for his car trying to undo the damage he has already done. THE ADDICT IS INSANE!!!

Half way to the car the addict's foot slips. He turns his ankle and lands on the outside of his foot.

PAIN!!!!

Who care about pain? Your late and the Chatty Chatty Princess is waiting for you!

The addict keeps moving forward ... rushing to get to his car.

Traffic cooperates and somehow the addict gets to pre-school on time. No one thinks he is late and the Chatty Chatty Princess rushes to him with hugs and a smile.

And the addict limps to the car with the Chatty Chatty Princess.

Perhaps he has not disappointed her, but the damage is done. The addict has hurt his foot trying to cover the costs of his addiction. There will be no marathon for the addict. And though it appears an innocent accident, and though no one else knows why the addict was running in sandals, the addict knows.

Yes, the addict knows. The addict is insane. And the addict is broken.