Cold and Lonely

It's cold now in Minnesota. Currently it is 7 degrees with a forecast high of about 10 degrees for today. But it is colder still as the wind blows across our frozen landscape. Windchills today are below zero. It's cold and lonely on the Minnesota landscape.

It's cold now in the addict's heart. As the addict goes through another relapse in acting out, the heart becomes colder. And the winds which blow through the addict's heart make it colder yet. These are the days when the addict acts out but does not know why. Acting out is followed by denial, resentment, justification, and rationalizing. And the addict isolates and becomes colder. Cold and lonely.

Today's reflection from Hazeldon was on point for the addict:

"A [life of acting out] isn't a happy life. [Acting out] cuts you off from other people and from God. One of the worst things about [acting out] is the loneliness. And one of the best things about [recovery] is the fellowship. [Acting out] cuts you off from other people, at least from the people who really matter to you, your family, your co-workers, and your real friends. No matter how much you love them, you build up a wall between you and them by your drinking. You're cut off from any real companionship with them. As a result, you're terribly lonely. Have I got rid of my loneliness?"

So why has the addict returned to acting out? Why be blown into this life of loneliness? Does the addict even have a choice?

Times like these fill the addict with doubt. Despite belief in a Higher Power the addict wonders, can I ever escape this sickness? Maybe the twelve steps can work for others but not for me. Maybe I'm the exception.

Cold and lonely ...