The Addict's Polka

Although the addict hasn't been away, he is leaving the impression to many that he is gone. He hasn't posted much lately and he hasn't been talking much. He is in one of those ruts where he has closed-down emotionally.

The addict has become so disconnected, in fact, that his wife has asked him where he has been. His emotional isolation led his wife to voice her anger last night. Are you there? Do you love me? Why won't you talk to me?

Why won't the addict talk? Why all this isolation?

These questions raise further questions:

So how is recovery going?

Not well. I have been acting out fairly consistently at work. I will go through five or seven days of sobriety, and then through three or five days of acting out. I am frustrated and shamed by this state of affairs. I often wonder if I am getting any better.



And I don't want to talk to about it. Why not?

Well, that's a hard one. Part of me says it is to protect my spouse. I know that telling her about recovery slips and addictive behavior will hurt her and I don't want to hurt her. And I am afraid that bringing more hurt will hinder my chances of moving forward.

But that is only part of the story.

The truth is I am worried that telling her will hurt me. It will hurt me because she will be angry with me and she may (although she hasn't in the past) condemn me or leave me. But it will also hurt me because I would be acknowledging my failures, out loud, to a person I love and trust. I would be admitting that I cannot control my behavior, that I cannot heal myself, that I am not in control of my life.

Deep inside me I fear this truth. I strongly feel the need to be independent and strong. I don't know if this is because I am male, or if it has to do with messages in my upbringing, or other things. But I can't stand the idea that I need to ask for help -- not at work, at home, in public, or in recovery.



Part of me tells me that asking for help means that I am weak. And yet I know cognitively that this is not true. Strong people -- strong men -- focus on what they do best and accept help from others in other areas. We are stronger together than apart. True strength is realized in relationships with others and working together. But I am too weak to realize and admit this truth. When I ask for help, I feel shame.

So where does the addict go from here?



The addict needs to go back to the beginning, to the first three steps:

STEP ONE

"We admitted we were powerless over our addictive behavior--that our lives had become unmanageable."

STEP TWO

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

STEP THREE

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God."


Yes, the addict needs to return to the original three-step dance: (i) I need help, (ii) there is a power that can help me; (iii) I will make a decision to accept help from this power.



It's the addict's polka--and a powerful polka it can be!

So here I am, an addict.

Help!

I cannot heal myself.

I am weak, but I am not alone.

Help!

Return of the Addict

Yes, I'm back! The addict has returned from self-imposed exile. He took time off to get his house in order (literally) and has, impossibly, returned.

How has the addict been?

The hope was that by putting all of his energy into the pursuit of a definite goal -- getting the house on the market -- that life would have sufficient purpose and there would be no room for distraction. But, alas, this was not so.

The addict did pursue a goal, but the addict still got side-tracked from time to time. And the addict had put himself into a state of self-imposed isolation. The addict was not doing those things needed for growth, contact, and support. So the addict pursued his goal vigorously and, unfortunately, pursued his addiction too.

How frustrating is the life of addiction. The continuous pursuit of what we know deep down will not satisfy us. Giving up more and more of our own life in return for less and less. Creating doubts which isolate us from those we love and which lead to separation from the Creator.



The addict begins to feed the cycle of his shame: (i) I am a bad and worthless person, (ii) nobody will love me if they know the truth about me, (iii) I am the only one who can take care of my needs, (iv) my addictive behavior is how I take care of those needs, (v) my addictive behavior brings me shame --> (i) I am a bad and worthless person ...

Around and around and around I go.

But it is getting better over time. Slowly the addict is finding healthy ways to reach out to people and connect. Slowly the addict is learning to give up all or nothing thinking. An addictive slip does not mean I am not still on the road to recovery. The addict can keep working the program.

So to all of you who have reached out a hand to help this struggling addict ... Thank you. To anyone struggling with addiction or feelings of worthlessness ... know that you are not alone.

And so the addict wanders on ...

The Problem of Pleasure

As I've been trying to overcome my "need" for the pleasure of addiction, I found the following description of pleasure from C.S. Lewis' Screwtape Letters on point:

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[This is a fictional elder demon writing to a younger, less experienced demon]

Never forget that when we are dealing with any pleasure in its healthy and normal and satisfying form, we are, in a sense, on the Enemy's [God's] ground. I know we have won many a soul through pleasure. All the same, it is [God's] invention, not ours. He made the pleasures: all our research so far has not enabled us to produce one. All we can do is to encourage humans to take the pleasures which our Enemy has produced, at times, or in ways, or in degrees, which He has forbidden. Hence we always try to work away from the natural condition of any pleasure to that in which it is least natural, least redolent of its Maker, and least pleasurable. An ever-increasing craving for an ever diminishing pleasure is the formula.... To get the man's soul and give NOTHING in return--that is what really gladdens [Satan's] heart.

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That definitely sounds like addiction to me: "an ever-increasing craving for an ever-diminishing pleasure." Selling my soul and getting nothing in return.

So remember:

Pleasure is not the problem!

God created pleasure for our enjoyment. It is seeking pleasure in the wrong ways--from drugs, acts, and things as opposed to affection, love, and people--that is the problem.

We were made for pleasure. Addiction robs us of this gift.