Thursday, July 02, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Star Over a Desert Landscape?
This is actually a picture of the planet Venus taken from the parking lot of a warehouse. I am looking up over a tan building which looks more like a desert landscape in the picture.
Turtle Pulse-Check (3/19)
Confusion, confusion, confusion. Where I can blog while at work keeps changing. Why does this trouble me? Why do I need to blog while I am at work?
And why am I so distracted today? I don't feel focused about my work at all. Is it because of the change in office filter settings? Is it because I haven't been acting out? Where's that adrenaline rush I need to focus?
Confusion.
FEELINGS
Today I am feeling sad, lonely, resentful, confused, and anxious.
ISSUES
Focus at work; staying on task.
NEEDS
Today I need to re-connect with Beth.
SOBRIETY
I am sober today.
Gratefulness Journal
Today I am grateful for:
1. New beginnings
2. Gainful Employment
3. Time w- the Chatty Chatty Princess
The Turtle Returns
I can't really say what is going on here. A month ago our office systems blocked my access to the blogger.com website as a "social networking site" and so I moved my blogging over to wordpress.
Today I come into the office and I can't access my wordpress site. But now I somehow have access again to this site.
So for now the Addict is back.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Diary of an Addict Moves to New Location
Come check out "Diary of an Addict" at its new home on WordPress.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
What Is Christian Morality?
People often think of Christian morality as a kind of bargain in which God says, "If you keep a lot of rules I'll reward you, and if you don't I'll do the other thing." I do not think that is the best way of looking at it. I would much rather say that every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish creature: either a creature that is in harmony with God, and with its fellow creatures, and with itself, or else into one that is in a state of war with God, with its fellow creatures, and with itself. To be the one kind of creature is heaven: that is, it is joy and peace and knowledge and power. To be the other means madness, horror, idiocy, rage, imotence, and eternal loneliness. Each of us at each moment is progressing to one state or the other.
+ C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, 92 (1952)
Calling Out the Phone Brigade
Brothers:
I stumbled yesterday after five days of sobriety.
I want to avoid a repeat today.
If you do not hear from me by 4:00 today, please call me and hold me accountable.
D-Monk
+++
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
A Word for the Day - Do Not Be Deceived
"See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ."
- Colossians 2:8
Today I Am Grateful
Today I am grateful for:
1. My friend Shawn.
2. Dog show.
3. Laughter.
D-Monk
Monday, February 09, 2009
Minneapolis Weather
RAIN??!
"The freezing rain threat has really diminished this morning as temperatures have already climbed into the mid 30s. By this afternoon temperatures will continue to climb into the 40s. An area of low pressure will move northward this afternoon and spread rain across the state. Some areas may pick up .25 to .50 inches of rain through tonight which will cause some considerable snow melt. A few thunderstorms can't be ruled out either." (KSTP.com)
Current Temp: 36 (2c)
Man in the Mirror - Chapter 2
I am now reading Patrick Morley's book The Man in the Mirror. This is a study for Christian men designed to help us examine whether we are living according to our true priorities. Each chapter has questions for reflection and I will try to journal my responses here.
CHAPTER TWO - LEADING AN UNEXAMINED LIFE
Two Life Views
There are two predominant life views in America today. One view, the secular life view, believes that man is the central figure in shaping events. The second view, the Christian life view, believes God is sovereign and active in everyday life.
We have moved away from traditional Judeo-Christian values toward a life view that lets us self-select values based on whether they serve our self-interests. Like a child loose in a candy store, we determine our own fate, we captain our own ship.
The choice between a Christian life view and a secular life view is a choice between God's race and the rat race.
Christian in Captivity
"See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ."
If we are going to live by the Christian life view we must recognize, first, that ours is a minority view; and, second, that we are responsible for our own lives. Christ aches for us to turn to Him and follow His plan. But we are the ones who must decide to do it. The first step to knowing God's plan for our lives is the commitment to see ourselves as we really are.
To see ourselves as we really are, we must acknowledge our inability to do so without God's help.
Question
Of the two life views, the Christian life view and the secular life view, what percentage of each are you?
I think that I am probably 50/50 between the two. Although I believe in Christ and desire to surrender to Him, my actions do not reflect that at all times. I tend to set myself up as the judge of what values I am willing to accept and what goals I want to pursue. I tend to think of my time as my own and to believe that I am doing ok morally if I am not hurting others. I don't stop to ask myself if I am doing things as God would have me do them.
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Friday, February 06, 2009
A Word for the Day - Everything Is Permissible
"Everything is permissible for me"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"--but I will not be mastered by anything.
- 1 Corinthians 6:12
Today I have been feeling resentment. I resent that it is "not permissible" for me to act out and comfort myself with my addictive behavior. I resent the expectations placed upon me by others.
But this verse reminds me that it is not others who are restricting my behavior. I am free to choose whether or not to act out. I am choosing not to act out despite the temptations (and excuses and justifications) to do so. So I need not resent anyone else - rather I need to recognize that the choice to be sober can be difficult and comes with the cost of self-denial.
Turtle Pulse Check (02/06)
This has been a difficult week for the addict. For the first three days of the week I slipped into the depths of my addiction - I wantonly turned to internet pornography to distract and/or sooth my troubled spirit. I lied to myself and justified the acting out as something I deserved because I had gotten a lot of work done.
Finally I put out a call for help yesterday. My brothers in the Blueshirts came to my aid and we set some fences around my day with scheduled phone calls and check-ins. That worked for yesterday and has worked again today. But I am amazed at how tempted I am right now to go back to my addictive behavior. When I am stressed or triggered acting out doesn't seem such a bad thing. But afterwards ...
Still, today I am trying to move forward.
FEELINGS
I have been experiencing many different feelings today. I started the day feeling grateful and happy. Work has produced feelings of anxiety and some joy, a sense of being needed and a sense of accomplishment. But as I have experienced triggers and a desire to act out, I have begun to feel resentment. Why should others tell me what I can and cannot do?
ISSUES
I am very busy at work. I have quite a few projects to get done with short deadlines.
NEEDS
I need to understand my freedom of choice and then choose freely to surrender to God's will.
SOBRIETY
I have been sober today.
Weather
STILL WAITING FOR THE WARM-UP
"Look for highs into the upper 30s and the low 40s by this afternoon. Partly cloudy skies should dominate while breezy southeast winds will stream in at 10-15 mph. Even Northern Minnesota will thaw out today, with most spots in the mid to upper 30s Up North." (KSTP.com)
Current Temp: 29 (-2c)
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Calling Out the Phone Brigade
MAY-DAY!
MAY-DAY!
I'm an addict and I am calling out for help!
I have acted out three days in a row now. For the most part I haven't even felt much remorse because I think "I've gotten away with it."
This is dangerous. This is not the road to recovery. This is not surrender to Christ.
MAY-DAY!
MAY-DAY!
I'm calling out the phone brigade. I need your help, Blueshirts. Check on me today.
+++
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
L.I.F.E.Workbook: Principle One - Assignment Two
“Understanding Our Cycle”
In this assignment you will keep looking at that silent self that has kept you in bondage. The purpose of this assignment is to continue to bring into the light that which has been cloaked in darkness. It is also to show you some things that you will need to work on in a very specific and practical way.
FANTASY - those thoughts that you have about sex.
- “preoccupation” – you’ve been preoccupied with sexual thoughts and imaginings.
Sexual thoughts lead to RITUALS, which are those things we use to prepare to act out. Any thought or behavior you use to get from fantasy to acting out is part of your ritual.
A ritual begins with faulty thinking, which launches the process long before you act out.
What have you told yourself about why its OK to act out?
Two main categories of faulty thinking:
Justification – For example, we might think that is we do enough good things for God, we are allowed to do a few bad things. It is like we have a balance sheet in our heads – a formula we have worked out – and we reason, “God won’t mind if I do these sexual things because I did so many other good things for Him.”
We’ve read I Cor. 7 about how Paul says we should marry so that we don’t “burn.” When we find that’s not the case with us, our faulty thinking tells us that our sexual struggles are our partner’s fault or that we’ve married the wrong person. We then feel justified in committing sexual sins. We might even believe our acting out is a way we can satisfy ourselves so that we can tolerate remaining in our marriage. In our sick thinking, we see our sexual sin as having the positive benefit of preventing divorce.
We also tell ourselves that it’s OK to act out as long as “no one gets hurt.” We think that if we can just keep our sin a secret, especially from our wives, then no harm is done.
Entitlement – Sometimes we justify our sexual sins by thinking we deserve it, which is a form of “entitlement.” Many of us have said to ourselves, “Nobody loves me and no one will take care of me. I have to do it for myself.” We believe no one else understands us and the pain we feel. Down deep we’re angry about not getting our needs met, and we feel entitled to meet our needs ourselves, including using sex or unholy relationships.
Entitlement also tells us that we do so much, we work so hard, and we’re so stressed that we deserve a reward. Because life is so often difficult, we might even think it’s only fair to do these sexual things. We deserve some comfort and gratification.
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