This has been a difficult week for the addict. For the first three days of the week I slipped into the depths of my addiction - I wantonly turned to internet pornography to distract and/or sooth my troubled spirit. I lied to myself and justified the acting out as something I deserved because I had gotten a lot of work done.
Finally I put out a call for help yesterday. My brothers in the Blueshirts came to my aid and we set some fences around my day with scheduled phone calls and check-ins. That worked for yesterday and has worked again today. But I am amazed at how tempted I am right now to go back to my addictive behavior. When I am stressed or triggered acting out doesn't seem such a bad thing. But afterwards ...
Still, today I am trying to move forward.
FEELINGS
I have been experiencing many different feelings today. I started the day feeling grateful and happy. Work has produced feelings of anxiety and some joy, a sense of being needed and a sense of accomplishment. But as I have experienced triggers and a desire to act out, I have begun to feel resentment. Why should others tell me what I can and cannot do?
ISSUES
I am very busy at work. I have quite a few projects to get done with short deadlines.
NEEDS
I need to understand my freedom of choice and then choose freely to surrender to God's will.
SOBRIETY
I have been sober today.
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