Note to Blueshirts - Stay Off the ASPHALT

It's been a bad week for me and I am even more worried about the week to come. I have acted out on the internet a few times this week, most recently yesterday. I am worried about the upcoming week because Beth is going to be in Chicago Saturday through Monday and I am going to be in Orlando from Monday through Thursday. So I won't see Beth for 6 days.

As I said, this week has been hard.

What's the trigger?

Is it part of that H-A-L-T acronym (Hungry Angry Lonely Tired)?

No, I don't think so. For me this week it has been stress and anxiety. Worrying about getting work done, worrying about sobriety (ironically), worrying about money. It has also been a little bit of the reward justification. As I have gotten big projects completed of "rewarded" myself at the end of the day. After all, I "deserved" it.

I think I am going to add to the H.A.L.T. acronym. I am going to add three new letters for Anxious, Stressed, and Pained.

So the new acronym is A.S.P.H.A.L.T.

A-nxious
S-tressed
P-ained
H-ungry
A-ngry
L-onely
T-ired

Fellow Blueshirts, as we walk together towards recovery, lets remember to stay on the path and to stay off the A.S.P.H.A.L.T.

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Turtle Pulse Check (10/17)

It's been 12 days since the marathon and the post-running blues seem to be wearing off. Life is returning to normal and I am again able to focus on my family, my work, and my goals. Flux is receding and the time for connection and self-care is here.


Feelings:

Today I feel happiness, peace, anxiety, fear, and gratefulness.


Issues:

I am behind on my workload and also feel some financial stress at home.


Needs:

Today I need to take time for prayer, make phone calls, and avoid isolation.


Sobriety:

After the frenzied flux of last week, I have been blessed with a place of calm. It has been a sober week.


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A Day with the Chatty Chatty Princess

It's a day at work with the Chatty Chatty Princess!

Today is the first day of the MEA Break for schools in our area. Neither Beth nor I foresaw the need for childcare during the break and were caught without a plan. So Emma - the Chatty Chatty Princess - came to work with me today.

We have been having a good time while I try to get work done. We brought in coloring supplies, some games, and some movies. We went to the Dairy Queen and got ice cream for lunch and then we went to Target and got her the Little Mermaid in the Beginning movie. She has watched it twice this afternoon while I have stayed bsy with work.

All-in-all, a very fun day!

Turtle Pulse Check (10/15) - Escaping Flux

It's been a long time with no check-in for this addict. So what's going on? Where has the addict been?

Flux.

Last we saw the addict he was on an emotional mountain top. Life was filled with joy and exuberance after finishing his third marathon and setting a personal best time of 4:51. Months of training had come to fruition with a successful run and a feeling of real personal accomplishment.

What the addict had not prepared for was the let down. We all know from life that mountain top experiences don't last. Sadly, life is lived out in the valley.

After the joy of victory started to subside, I found myself in a state of flux. I had lost the goal that had allowed me to be focused for the weeks leading up to the marathon. I had lost the adrenaline that comes with the training and race day experience. I had lost my bearings. I was in flux.

Sadly, I reached out to my old ways as the means to calm myself. Finding myself at home - alone - as my body recovered from the race, I went onto the internet and searched out pornography. I did not call my accountability partners or attempt to engage in an outer circle activity. I went straight to my addictive behavior - internet pornography.

I spent the next week in a flux of ups-and-downs as I continued to act out. At one point I even considered skipping my bi-weekly meeting with my accountability partners. I was sliding.

Eventually I did call one of the Blueshirts. The conversation was good and he helped me to look at what had happened and to see some of the causes. To that point I had not even thought about the loss of adrenaline and loss of goals. But in hindsight what had happened made perfect sense. I need to be better prepared for how to recover from my next mountain top experience.

This week has been good so far. I've been very busy at work and making daily phone calls. I'm living life in the valley, but hopefully I've escaped state of flux.

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Mission Completion!

D-Monk & Mrs. D-Monk after the Marathon

Sunday marked the third time that D-Monk has run the marathon. And while the weather was a bit miserable at times, the run was great for D-Monk!

The question leading into the race was weather: Is it gonna rain and how cold will it be? I monitored three of the local news stations to get a sense of what to expect on race day. All three seemed to be in agreement that there was a chance of rain, but there was disagreement as to when. Two stations felt that the rain would hold off until noon or later (approximately 4 hours into the race). The other station thought it would rain early and then stop half way through the race.

The other question was temperature. How cold would it be at the beginning of the race and how cold at the end? And - more important - what should I wear for the race? Predicted temps looked to be mid- to upper-40s at the start with anywhere from 50 to 60 at the finish.

I decided not to worry about the rain and the night before the race I chose a long-sleeve shirt for the race. On race morning it seemed warmer so I switched to a short-sleeve shirt. But by the time I arrived in Minneapolis, it seemed colder again, so I went with a short-sleeve shirt and a throw-away long-sleeve shirt to wear over it.

Neither of my first two marathons gave me any chance to see what I was capable of in such a long run. With the first marathon I just wanted to finish. I didn't know what I could do or what it would be like, so I took it easy the whole way. My time was 5:26. The day I ran my second marathon was so hot that it immediately became all about survival. People were dropping like flies and so again I decided not to push myself. I finished at 5:15. This year I wanted to see what would happen if I pushed and decided to try to set an 11-minute a mile pace for the first six miles and see what happened.

Well ... nothing went as expected. I changed my mind several times on how to dress for the race. I lost the electronic chip that was supposed to track my time. The hip-pack I was wearing didn't fit correctly and I tossed it away after Mile 3 (and moved my running gels to my pockets). And then the rain started coming down at Mile 2. It rained and rained hard for the first 1/3 of the race. I was soaked!

But despite the rain, I was running well. My first three miles were all 10-minute miles! I was able to stay at 11-minutes per mile or less for the first 12 miles of the race! I was feeling great and realized I was going to set a personal best! So I pushed hard the whole race and finished 25 minutes faster than my previous best at 4:51.

W O W ! ! !

So despite the rain, despite the bad hip-pack, despite the cold start, and despite the lost chip, I had a great race on Sunday and really felt proud of what I had accomplished. I am grateful for the marathon and all of those who supported me - both on race day and during the training. I could never have done this alone!!



D-Monk, D-Monk's son, and D-Monk's dad.

A Turtle's Day: Week-Long Thrill Ride

This past week has been a thrill ride of ups-and-downs.

Last Thursday I attended the Twins-White Sox game with my Dad. The teams were finishing a three game series that the Twins needed to sweep if they to have any real chance at going to the play-offs. They had thumped the White Sox in the first game and then survived a 3-2 nail-biter in the second game.

The Metrodome was already boasting a play-off atmosphere when we arrived at the game. I have never seen so many fans wearing Twins apparel at a game before. I have to confess that I actually stopped at Target to buy a Twins jersey prior to the game. While the Metrodome may not be a great baseball park during the regular season, it is an awesome place for playoff baseball - that place rocks with crowd noise!!

Needless to say, my Dad and I were quite excited to be at the game. There were butterflies with every pitch as we hoped for a Twins win. The Twins got on the board first, but then had a disastrous 4th inning where they gave up six runs. Facing a 6-1 deficit, the crowd got nervous.

But those Twins chipped away. They scored two runs in the bottom of the 4th inning which was highlighted by a Carlos Gomez triple. The score was 6-3. Then in the 6th inning, Carlos Gomez tripled again and scored on a sacrifice by Denard Span. 6-4. Then in the bottom of the 8th, with a runner on third and one out, Chicago brought in their closer, Bobby Jenks. Up to the plate steps Carlos Gomez. He singles and the score is 6-5. The crowd is getting excited now! Next is Denard Span. He hits a TRIPLE and the game is tied!!!

P A N D E M O N I U M ! ! !

The Twins bring in Joe Nathan in the 9th inning and he retires the White Sox in order. The game goes to extra innings where the Twins win on a bloop single by Alexi Casilla. AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!!!!!

So I wore my new Twins jersey to the office on Friday and enjoyed the after-glow of an incredible night of baseball. The Twins went on to lose on Friday and Saturday before beating the Royals on Sunday to force some extra games. Chicago beat Detroit in a make-up game and then the Twins lost to the White Sox in a one game tie-breaker to see who would go to the playoffs. Every thrilling up must have its corresponding down. Sadness for Twins fans.

Monday brought a meeting of the Blueshirts - D-Monk's accountability group. Whether recovery is going good or bad, meeting with the Blueshirts is always a positive experience. There is something special about meeting with guys to whom you can reveal anything. There is a great amount of trust, encouragement, and strength in the Boueshirts.

But then came Tuesday and Wednesday. This addict really struggled on both days. I can't really say why, but I found myself acting out in the afternoon on both days. The cycle of addiction had set in and this addict was mired in shame.

Thursday came and I climbed up out of the valley. I checked-in with one of my accountability partners and had a clean day.

Thursday also brought a speech competition. I was entered both in the Tall Tales and Humorous categories. I experienced the ultimate thrill when I won best speaker for my Tall Tale - "The Salt Moose." I am now advancing to the district competition in Rochester, Minnesota.

And today I am feeling the nervousness and excitement of anticipation. I am scheduled to run the Twin Cities Marathon on Sunday. Today is the day where runners get to pick up their racing packets and get all their stuff together for the run. I am excited and scared.

Ups and downs.