Day 11 - Dissonance

Good Morning, Brothers:

I am back in the office after three days off. It is strange to be at the office during this time of year. There is a strain between treating the office in a "business as usual" mode and recognizing the fact that this time of year is different; the Christmas season is special.

The same dissonance faces our struggling addicts. We must work the steps in the same manner each day. Yet some times are clearly different from others. We want to recognize the uniqueness of this time of year, but we also need to keep tending to our addict on a daily basis.

Let us thank God that Christmas is special. Let us celebrate this season and nurture our addicts as well. We have three more days of sanctification.

Celebrate your recovery!!!

Day 7 - The Coming Dawn

Merry Christmas, Blueshirts!

Now we celebrate the entrance of light into a world shadowed in darkness.

By the tender mercy of our God,
the dawn from on high will break upon us,
to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death,
to guide our feet into the way of peace.'

-Luke 1:78-79.

It is no accident that Christmas is celebrated in December. While the gospels do not give us the actual birth date of Jesus, they do tell us what his arrival means: Dawn is breaking upon us.

December 21st is the first day of winter, the darkest day of the year. But from this point forward, each day sees a little more light than the day before. The dawn is coming. We will emerge from the shadow of darkness.

And as we emerge from this shadow, what awaits us? If we follow Christ, we are heading towards peace. The dawn gives light to we who have been sitting in darkness, and that light shall serve to guide us on the way to peace.

As addicts we have been sitting in darkness. We have lived a life of fear and secrecy, struggling to calm ourselves amidst a harsh and barren world. But as we begin to work the steps and turn our struggles over to Christ, the dawn breaks and we start moving towards peace.

The walk towards peace is a journey. We are guided on the way, but we are not there. We celebrate the coming of the Light in mid-winter, but the fullness of the sun will not prevail until summer. It is a long journey, but our way is lit for us.

Be not afraid.

The light has come.

Follow the light.

Do Not Be Afraid

A note to my fellow Blushirts:

Brothers:

Today is Day 4 of our end-of-year sanctification; Day 4 of a journey where we allow God to touch us directly in our walk to recovery. And our response is likely on of fear.

Fear seems to be natural when the Holy One touches us. When the angel appeared to Mary, to Joseph, and to the Father of John the Baptist, the first words were always, "Do not be afraid."

When God reaches into our world to help us, it is a portent of change. As addicts we are always afraid of change. Though we despise our addictive behaviors, we have also come to rely on them for comfort, coping, and escape.

When God comes to bring healing, the first step is to remove these behaviors. The first step is to take away our security.

Do not be afraid. It is God himself who comes to heal us. Though we do not know any better way than addictive behavior for coping, we can be sure that the God who gave us life also knows how to restore life. Though we do not know what change will bring, have faith in the one who is bringing change.

God came into the world as a baby to heal us all and restore us from sin. God comes into the lives of addicts to heal and restore.

Do not be afraid.

Courage to Change

After a period of improving sobriety, I have experienced a major slip this week. I have acted out - at my place of work - two days in a row. This is not good. What's more, I can't really point to any triggers for these recent incidents. I haven't been angry or lonely or stressed. I have simply acted out because I wanted to.

That's a bad place for me to be.

I have to admit that I am both frightened and discouraged by this turn of events. Will I ever get better? Am I making progress? God, are you there?

As I often do, I turn again now to the serenity prayer:





In the past I have tended to focus on the serenity portion of the prayer. I have taken comfort and courage from acknowledging and accepting the things I cannot change.

But today I am looking elsewhere. Today I am focusing on what I CAN change. I am looking for the courage to do what must be done. This is where I am letting myself and others down, by not acknowledging what things I actually do have power over.

So I am making myself a list of some of the things that I do have control over and can do to help maintain sobriety.

These are some things that I have power over:

+ I do NOT need to look for pictures of celebrities that are new to me; I am not a slave to my curiosity;

+ I CAN pray and meditate two to three times each day, including weekends;

+ I CAN take my meds daily, as prescribed;

+ I CAN get regular exercise;

+ I CAN be honest with my life partner and tell her when I have slipped;

+ I CAN make two to three phone calls daily to my accountability partners;

+ I CAN regularly journal about my feelings and other life circumstances that may be challenging me;

+ I CAN avoid changing the filter preferences on my computer so as to avoid exposure to content that will trigger my addictive behavior;

+ I CAN avoid channel surfing and be more intentional about my television habits;

+ I CAN make a daily surrender of myself to God;

+ I CAN take some time to create a personal vision statement and provide positive goals for who I want to be.


This is not an exhaustive list, but it is a good start. I need to stop making excuses and continue to focus on the areas in my life where I can take responsibility for my behaviors.

It's true, there are many things in my life that I cannot control;
I surrender these and ask for serenity.

But there are things that I can control;
I ask for courage to do these things and take responsibility for the person I am and the person I want to be.

Bill Mallonee Concert

I was fortunate to have the opportunity to see Bill Mallonee live last night in Minneapolis. What a tremendous concert!!

It was a coffee-house type setting (actually a local church) and Bill played acoustic guitar and was sometimes accompanied on piano by Mariah Rose.

To see this incredible song writer live is a real treat! I was blown away! And he gave the background for many of the songs he sang.

For those familiar with Bill Mallonee (former front man of the Vigilantes of Love), here is the play-list from last night's set:

1. Solar System
2. Goes Without Saying
3. November Ghost
4. High & Lonesome
5. Nothing Like a Train
6. Bethlehem
7. That's What I Meant
8. Friendly Fire
9. String of Pearls
10. Bank
11. Resplendent
12. Skin
13. Tobacco Sunburst
14. Every Father Knows

And for those who aren't familiar with his music, head out to parting-shot.com to learn more!

Spatial Disorientation

As an addict I am constantly being reminded to trust and use the tools of recovery:

"Work the steps"

"Make calls"

"Attend meetings regularly"

"Third-Step Prayer"

"Daily inventory"


Sometimes these reminders are frustrating. Why do I have to keep working the steps? Why should I make phone calls when everything is ok? Why does my life have to be reduced to a set of practices that constantly reminds me of what I am trying to escape from?

Why?

Two words: SPATIAL DISORIENTATION.

"Spatial disorientation" is what an aircraft pilot experiences when he flies into weather conditions that prevent him from being able see the horizon or the ground. Points of reference that guide his senses disappear. His perceptions become unreliable. He no longer is sure which way is up or down. It can be deadly.

The only way a pilot can overcome spatial disorientation is to be trained to read and trust his cockpit instruments to tell him what is real. That's why flight instructors force student pilots to learn to fly planes by the instruments alone.

As an addict I have to recognize that my spirit suffers from spatial disorientation. My twisted perceptions keep me from recognizing what is really happening in my world. I do not know where the horizon lies and cannot recognize temptation when it crosses my field of vision.

As an addict, I have spent a life of trusting only myself to navigate life's hazards. I have trusted myself and I have failed miserably.

To attain freedom, I must learn to trust in Christ. But I am stubborn. I am resistant to turn to anyone but myself. I may agree with Christ, but only after I have relied on my own thining to reach that agreement. If this keeps up, I will never escape spatial disorientation.

So recovery brings a new set of tools: the 12 steps, meetings, sponsors, accountability partners, phone calls, daily prayer. If I cannot immediately learn to trust Christ, then I must learn to at least turn my trust to something other than myself. The tools of recovery are my flight instruments. I must learn to trust them even when I cannot see the horizon or the world around me. And to learn to trust them, I must practice using them every day - both good days and bad days.

So, yes, in some ways my life has been reduced to daily application of a set of spiritual tools. And, yes, this can be frustrating. But as an addict, I must remember that I am subject to spatial disorientation. I need to use and trust these tools or I will crash and burn!

Playin' in the Snow

The snow began to fall on Saturday morning. With a predicted 8-10" on the way, I had a number of options:

i) Go to the store and stock up on food
ii) Settle in and stay off the roads
(iii) Start shoevling
(iv) Panic!

Of course, I chose option (v): Hop in the car with the Chatty Chatty Princess (the "CCP") and drive to Grandma's house!

With this being the first real snow of the season, the CCP was filled with the need to be outside. And all of the responsible items on the list, like shopping, and shoveling, lost their appeal next to the CCP's unbridled excitement.

So we got our snow clothes on, hopped in the car, and headed over the river and through the woods to Grandma's.

Then we played in the snow!!!!

We went sledding!
We made snow angels!
We ate snow!

And when we were finished playing, we went inside for freshly baked cookies and hot cocoa.

Forget being a grown-up ...
it's snowing out side and I'm going to Grandma's house!!!