Fear of Fear of Economic Insecurity

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development ... [f]ear of people and economic insecurity will leave us."

--Big Book of AA


"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change ..."

--Serenity Prayer


"The complete life is the life of a child. When I am consciously conscious, there is something wrong. It is the sick man who knows what health is."

--Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest (August 20)


Fear of economic insecurity has visited the Addict once again. So long as the addict lives, economic insecurity will probably be sitting on his doorstep. Such is the life of the addict.

Economic insecurity visited this week as the addict and his beloved closed on a refinancing of their home. The need for refinancing was created by the last time the home was refinanced. The addict and his beloved went with an adjustable rate mortgage and now the rates are hiking.

But that's not the worst, this loan had an optional payment feature which opened up the possibility (and in this case the reality) of negative amortization. The addict had never heard the term "negative amortization" until he and his beloved realized that they were in trouble. To make a long story short, negative amortization means that the loan balance on our home was actually increasing! Trouble!

So refinance we did. The addict and his beloved have a new fixed rate mortgage. But there was a cost ... our monthly payments have increased. And the addict just had to replace his car less than a month ago generating another new monthly payment. As the addict and his beloved signed documents for the closing, it was hard to see how we were going to be able to make ends meet.


Fear of economic insecurity ...

The Beloved cried that morning. The stress of it all bursting through the cracks.

How is the addict supposed to respond?


Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change ...

There is much here that the addict cannot change. Some of it the addict honestly feels he can accept:

+ tight financial circumstances;
+ cutting costs;
+ embarrassment of having entered into a transaction he didn't fully understand.

There is one thing, however, that in all honesty the addict doesn't know how to accept: the stress, sadness, and anxiety suffered by his Beloved.

It is one thing to accept the consequences of troubled times for oneself, it wholly another thing to watch how those troubles impact someone you love.

So what does the addict fear? Maybe the addict doesn't fear economic insecurity after all. Maybe the addict fears the pain life throws at his loved ones. Maybe the addict really fears his inability to protect loved ones from pain.

Aren't men supposed to be protectors? Maybe a recovering addict can accept trouble, pain, hardship, and poverty, but still be immensely affected by how such circumstances impact his family.

The addict cannot fulfill the role of protector. Perhaps this means that the addict is a bad and worthless individual. Perhaps the addict won't be loved by anyone who figures out that he is a bad protector and thus a bad and worthelss individual. Perhaps the addict is unlovable -- at least to anyone who learns the truth about the addict.

Maybe the addict better hide this secret. Maybe the addict should withdraw and "turtle." Maybe the addict needs to care for himself ...

And so the vicious circle begins. Maybe it is not fear of economic insecurity, but the addict's finances have certainly got him into a state of fear.