Down Again

This past week has been one of ups and downs for the addict, or should I say one of up and downs? For, in truth, the week has been all down with the exception of Tuesday, the addict's birthday.

Two weeks ago the addict had an uncommon sense of serenity. The addict was both clean and sober. That is to say, the addict was sober--he wasn't acting out; and the addict was clean--he didn't even want to act out.

This brief period of serenity was experienced by the addict as a tremendous gift. Not for one moment did the addict attribute sobriety to his own efforts. The addict has struggled long enough to know that he is powerless over addiction. Sobriety, when it comes, is a true and special gift.



But today the addict is not sober. What happened?

I really wish I knew. I see numerous possible explanations:

+ the addict began to feel secure in his sobriety; perhaps he let his guard down;

+ the addict has not been taking his meds for depression; this leads both to feelings of anger and anxiety, and increases the addict's exposure to compulsivity which includes the temptation to act out even when nothing else is wrong;

+ the addict's job has been stressful and stress always adds to the propensity to act out.

It is frustrating to go through these cycles. Sobriety one week, shame and resentment the next.

Nothing else to say now. Just another confusing week in a life full of stumbling behavior for one who both feels and is powerless.

"Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean!"