June 29, 2006

"If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome [addiction], many of us would have recovered long ago. But we found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how hard we tried. We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn't there. Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed uttterly.

"Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a POWER GREATER THAN OURSELVES."


---Big Book, Chapter 4

The Cost of Forgiveness

In a Twelve-Step recovery program, the Fourth Step involves a moral inventory: "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." To make this moral inventory, it is recommended that the addict first compile a list of things and people he resents. This list of resentments is the key to uncovering assumptiona and wrong actions that lie in the addict's past (and continue to shape his present).

While identifying resentment will help the addict understand his own moral strengths and weaknesses, this list does not necessarily resolve the ongoing resentment that is polluting the addict's heart.

The problem is that while the addict has often (ok, always) contributed to the situations embodied in these resentments, he is not always the only one who has acted wrongly. Sometimes the resentments are due, at least in part, to the wrongs another has committed against the addict.

So what does the addict do with all of these resentments?

According to the Twelve-Steps he: (iv) makes an inventory, (v) admits to another his worngs, (vi) becomes ready to remove these wrongs, (vii) asks God to remove his wrongs, (viii) makes a list of people harmed by his wrongs, and (ix) makes direct amends to those he has wronged where possible.

But what does the addict do about the wrongs done to him? Here is where the resentment's balm steps in: FORGIVENESS.

To remove resentments, the addict must forgive.

But forgiveness does not come cheap. Forgiveness comes with a price tag. Is the addict willing to pay?



So what is this thing called forgiveness? Let's begin with some things that forgiveness is not:


FORGIVENESS IS NOT THE SAME THING AS EXCUSING.

People sometimes say that "to understand is to forgive all," but in a sense that's exactly wrong. Forgiveness is what is required precisiely when there is no good rationale to explain away why someone did what they did.


FORGIVENESS IS NOT FORGETTING.

Forgiveness is what's required precisely when we CAN'T forget.


FORGIVING IS NOT THE SAME THING AS RECONCILING

Forgiveness takes place in the heart of one human being. It can be granted even if the other person does not ask for it or deserve it.


So what IS forgiveness?

FORGIVENESS IS PAYING THE PRICE FOR THE OTHER'S WRONG.

Forgiveness comes with a price tag and it is expensive. Forgiveing is required when excusing or condoning or tolerating or accepting are not big enough to do the job. The first step in forgiveness is the decision not to try to inflict a reciprocal pain on everyone who has caused hurt.

When I forgive you, I give up the right to hurt you back.

I suspend the law of vengeance.
I give up the right to lecture you.
I give up the right to hold a grudge.
I give up the right to say, "I told you so."

FORGIVENESS HAS A PRICE AND THAT PRICE IS HIGH!

So why forgive?

Because the alternative is resentment and resentment has an even higher price tag.



Resentment means "to feel again." Resentment clings to the past, relives it over and over, picks each fresh scab so that the wound never heals.

Not to forgive imprisons me in the past and locks out all potential for change. I thus yield control to another, my enemy, and doom myself to suffer the consequences of the wrong.

As Lewis Smedes points out, "The first and often the only person to be healed by forgiveness is the person who does the forgiveness. ... When we genuinely forgive, we set a prisoner free and then discover that the prisoner we set free was us."

Yes, forgiveness has a price, but so does resentment.

Don't forgive, and your anger will become your burden.

Don't forgive, and bit by bit all the joy will be choked out of you.

Don't forgive, and you will be unable to trust anybody ever again.

Don't forgive, and the bitterness will crowd the compassion out fo your heart slowly, utterly, forever.


So, addict, as you consider the cost of recovery make sure to include the cost of forgiveness.

And one more thing. What about the cost of forgiveness to Christ? "He who knew no sin became sin that we might be justified." Forgiveness obviously came with a large price tag for the creator. Why pay the price?

The question here is what is the price of not forgiving?

Is it possible that God considered the price of not forgiving (i.e., the loss of relationship with his creation, the loss of human kind, etc.) and felt that this price was too high? Yes, forgiveness has a price. But the price of not forgiving can be even higher.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

For God, the price of forgiveness was great: giving his one and only son, becoming sin. But because of his love for us, that price was less than the price of not forgiving.

So go ahead, addict. Count the cost and pay the price of forgiveness!

Find the Addict

So where has the addict been? Why have these pages been so quiet these past two weeks?

Perhaps the better question would be: Where hasn't the addict been?

The addict has been traveling on business for the better part of the last two weeks. He has visited numerous exotic locations including:

ATLANTA


BIRMINGHAM



NASHVILLE



CHATTANOOGA



CORPUS CHRISTI



WESLACO, TEXAS



And the Mexico border town of NUEVO PROGRESSO




At long last, the addict is home in Minneapolis and ready to stumble again!

To Believe or Not?

The first step in recovery, as most people know, is to admit the problem. In 12-Step language:

"We admitted we were powerless over our addictive behavior -- that our lives had become unmanageable."

The second step is to believe.

"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

But what does it mean to believe? This is a problem that has troubled the addict both in recovery and in his pilgrimage of faith. What does it mean to believe?

Many addicts have trouble with the second step because they don't want to believe in a higher power. They don't want to be religious, don't want to be Christians, Muslims, Jews, or anything else. They don't believe in God and they don't want to believe in God. For these addicts, the struggle is one of how to live a spiritual life in an agnostic world. Where do they locate their higher power?

For this addict, however, the problem has been quite different. You see, this addict was a believer long before he was an addict. This addict has been a Christian since high school and has always held firmly to the belief that he is saved in Christ Jesus.

But if this is the case, why addiction? How could he stumble so poorly along the way as to have to be confronted with the second step, "came to believe"? If the believer has become an addict, was he ever really a believer?

What does it mean to believe?

The addict is slowly coming to understand that belief is something more than knowledge or intellectual assent. Belief is an act. Belief is trust.



Consider the following story:

A man steps off a cliff and plummets towards the earth below. In the course of his fall he manages to reach out and grab a branch (the proverbial cliff-hanger). The distance below him is too great to drop and the distance above is too great to climb. Then an angel appears above him. He calls out to the angel, "Save me!"

"Do you believe I can save you?" the angel asks.

Seeing the angels great wings and powerful arms, the man answers, "Yes, I believe you can save me."

"Do you believe I WILL save you?" asks the angel.

"Yes," answers the man.

"Then," the angel says, "LET GO!"

Would you let go? Could you let go?

Here is where the addict keeps stumbling. The addict has believed for many years that Christ CAN and WILL redeem him. But the addict has not acted in a manner consitent with that belief. The addict relies on his intellect, his status, his money to get him through adversity. When the chips are down, the addict relies on himself. The addict has yet to turn his belief in Christ from intellectual assent to trusting faith. And, sadly, the addict isn't even sure if he knows how to do this. The addict has spent his whole life relying on his own ability to take care of himself and face problems. How do you let go of the only thing you've ever known?

But then we come back to the first step: "We admitted that we were powerless over our addictive behavior ..." The addict has admitted that he cannot take care of himself. So he must let go. He must come to believe in a higher Power, in Christ, in a new way. Belief must be translated into trust. If the addict's sponsor says this is how the program works, then do it. Trust your sponsor. And trust Christ.

Are you ready to believe, Addict?