Sitting in Darkness

Today is Christmas Eve. But I am not sure that I am "feeling it." Instead I feel blue, uncertain, a little sadness. I know Christmas is on the doorstep, but I don't yet feel the joy.

There is a prayer in the first chapter of Luke that opens with the following line:

"Blessed be the Lord God of Israel,
for he has looked favourably on his people and redeemed them." (Luke 1:68)

It is a prayer of joy and hope that celebrates the impending arrival of Jesus. It is a prayer that looks forward to salvation and the forgiveness of sins. It is a prayer that underscores the reason for our joy at Christmas.

The prayer closes with the following promise:

"By the tender mercy of our God,
the dawn from on high will break upon us,
to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death,
to guide our feet into the way of peace." (Luke 1:78-79)


While the prayer brings the promise of light and salvation, I cannot help but be struck by the description of those to whom the promise is being delivered: those who sit in darkness and the shadow of death.

Can there be any better words to describe the state of the addict?

Sitting in darkness and the shadow of death. Yes, I think that is where I am today. My heart is sad and incomplete. It wonders why it is more pre-occupied with the preparation for Christmas than with the promise of joy that Christmas is to deliver. My heart feels in a shadow.

But there, too, is where the hope lies. For the shadow points to the light. Knowing sadness, knowing fear, knowing darkness - these all imply the joy, imply the hope, imply the light that is coming with the new dawn of the birth of the Christ child.

Today my heart is sad. But that is ok - I am walking in shadows. And behind the shadows there is the light. God is coming. Peace is near!!!

Listen to the Angels!

If they told you he was a poor boy
... would you come?
If they told you he was a poor boy
... would you come?
If they looked you in the eye
... and said, "Do not fear
... he is the one"
And they told you he was a poor boy
... would you come?

OH ... LISTEN TO THE ANGELS!

If they told you she wasn't married
... would you come?
If they told you she wasn't married
... would you come?
If they said this teenaged mother
... would be the chosen one
And they told you she wasn't married
... would you come?

OH ... LISTEN TO THE ANGELS!

---Neal Hagberg/Neal & Leandra, "Listen to the Angels" (1999)

Stumbling Along

Good morning, Brothers:

I am checking in to acknowledge that I am struggling and I need help to get out of these straits.

Last week I acted out at the office on Thursday and Friday. I had a good day at home on Saturday, but then acted out yesterday. I fully expect that I will act out again today unless drastic measures are taken.

So I am once again calling on the phone brigade. I will try to call each of you at least once today and do so again tomorrow. I also pledge to answer my phone if one of you calls me (I ignored at least two calls last week).

This is a stressful time for many of us - let's do what we can to share one another's burdens.

Phone Brigade Defeats Suds

I have been blessed with a mostly good week. I have really taken to heart the idea of avoiding "SUDs" - seemingly unimportant decisions. Like the decision to get out my laptop at home and check e-mail when no one else is home. Or the decision to follow a link from the Sports Illustrated website to view swimsuit pictures. I tend to rationalize these choices as small ones - seemingly unimportant decisions - SUDs.

I am trying to be more vigilant in treating every decision as an important decision. Every choice - no matter how small - is a potential opportunity to choose for or against Christ and for or against sobriety. Every choice matters. When I recognize this truth, it makes it easier to make the right choices.

I am grateful for this powerful insight.

I am also grateful for you - the phone brigade. You have all helped me to be more accountable this week. Yesterday I was on the precipice of yielding to the SUDs when I got a phone call at 4:00 (thank you, Rod). I was at the weakest point of my day and rationalizing about just looking at one or two sites when my phone rang. That phone call got me through the end of my work day.

Thanks, Phone Brigade!!

Phil Monroe's "Cycle of Addiction"

THE CYCLE OF ADDICTION
(by Phil Monroe)




Often the cycle starts with certain triggers, external or internal circumstances that remind us of the allure of the pornography. These can come in the form of thoughts, experiences, feelings, situations, etc.

This leads to tempting thoughts in our own minds. We begin to ponder the idea of going back to the pornography.

This leads to “SUDS”: Seemingly Unimportant Decisions, the little decisions we make that get us closer to the object of our addiction. For instance: “I’m just going to check my email, nothing more.” “I’ll just get online, there’s no harm in that.” “I’ll only look for a little bit, but then I’ll stop.”

Finally, there’s an indulgence. Many times this indulgence is justified by a false sense of control: “I can handle this.”

You may also notice that there is a direct line from the triggers to indulgence. This is because many of us have been in this cycle of addiction for so long that we can’t even recognize when the tempting thoughts or the SUDS appear. We mindlessly move quickly from the triggers to indulgence.

After a time of indulgence we have these defeated interpretations of our sin. We have broken the promises we made to ourselves. We think we might as well just continue sinning because we have already indulged. This often leads to continued indulgence.

Eventually we get tired of that cycle of indulgence and defeated thoughts, so we move to the next stage of guilt, which really just prolongs the same defeated thoughts.

To assuage our guilt, we move into a time of penance: we try to get ourselves “clean” by doing something good.

This leads to a time of abstinence.



To learn more about how to break this cycle, go to Breaking the Cycle of Addiction.

Spatial Disorientation

As an addict I am constantly being reminded to trust and use the tools of recovery:

"Work the steps"

"Make calls"

"Attend meetings regularly"

"Third-Step Prayer"

"Daily inventory"


Sometimes these reminders are frustrating. Why do I have to keep working the steps? Why should I make phone calls when everything is ok? Why does my life have to be reduced to a set of practices that constantly reminds me of what I am trying to escape from?

Why?

Two words: SPATIAL DISORIENTATION.

"Spatial disorientation" is what an aircraft pilot experiences when he flies into weather conditions that prevent him from being able see the horizon or the ground. Points of reference that guide his senses disappear. His perceptions become unreliable. He no longer is sure which way is up or down. It can be deadly.

The only way a pilot can overcome spatial disorientation is to be trained to read and trust his cockpit instruments to tell him what is real. That's why flight instructors force student pilots to learn to fly planes by the instruments alone.

As an addict I have to recognize that my spirit suffers from spatial disorientation. My twisted perceptions keep me from recognizing what is really happening in my world. I do not know where the horizon lies and cannot recognize temptation when it crosses my field of vision.

As an addict, I have spent a life of trusting only myself to navigate life's hazards. I have trusted myself and I have failed miserably.

To attain freedom, I must learn to trust in Christ. But I am stubborn. I am resistant to turn to anyone but myself. I may agree with Christ, but only after I have relied on my own thining to reach that agreement. If this keeps up, I will never escape spatial disorientation.

So recovery brings a new set of tools: the 12 steps, meetings, sponsors, accountability partners, phone calls, daily prayer. If I cannot immediately learn to trust Christ, then I must learn to at least turn my trust to something other than myself. The tools of recovery are my flight instruments. I must learn to trust them even when I cannot see the horizon or the world around me. And to learn to trust them, I must practice using them every day - both good days and bad days.

So, yes, in some ways my life has been reduced to daily application of a set of spiritual tools. And, yes, this can be frustrating. But as an addict, I must remember that I am subject to spatial disorientation. I need to use and trust these tools or I will crash and burn!

The Answer!

"All right," said the computer, and settled into silence again. The two men fidgeted. The tension was unbearable.

"You're really not going to like it," observed Deep Thought.

"Tell us!"

"All right," said Deep Thought. "The Answer to the Great Question ..."

"Yes ...!"

"To Life, the Universe, and Everything ..."

"Yes ...!"

"Is ..." said Deep Thought, and paused.

"Yes ...!"

"Is ..."

"Yes...!!!...?"

"Forty-two," said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm.


- Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy